Voices III: Losing My Voice
by Elizabeth Gerber

Rating: NC-17 (language and sex)
Category: SRA
Keywords: SLASH M/SK
Spoilers: SR-819, Redux, Gethsemene
Summary: Mulder and Skinner's relationship is recovering well, but
Skinner himself isn't so lucky.

Archive: Ephemeral, Gossamer, Archive/X, WalterTorture,
MulderTorture--yes, please. Others, just ask first. Also found with a
bookcover image at my page:
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Chelsea/1334. "Voice of Reason"
and "Voice of Fear" can also be found there.
Feedback: Yes, please, to elixia@mindspring.com

Disclaimer: The characters and situations depicted within belong to
1013, Fox and Chris Carter. 
Thanks: To m. butterfly for her beta magic and her commas.

WARNING!! This story contains romance and sex between two men. This
one goes farther than my others in the smut department.  Also a
schmoop alert.
Note: Medical information should be fairly accurate (I work in a
medical library, and my mom's an OR nurse), but I have taken some
liberties, and I'm sure I've made mistakes.  They are all my own.
Much good information came from http://www.MedicineNet.com.


^^^^^^^^^

When I woke up in his arms, I had a moment of panic.  A tiny little
one, just a trip of my heartbeat, but it was enough to knock me off of
the couch onto the floor, bruising my hip on the coffee table on my
way down.  As far as morning-afters go, I've had better, but it wasn't
irreparable.  

From my spot on the floor, I looked up into Walter's face and saw that
I hadn't woken him.  Amazingly.  He was still sleeping, his arms
wrapped around his own chest in lieu of mine, his face relaxed, his
breathing steady.  He looked so beautiful, naked on my couch, but I
bit my lip and covered him better with the blanket as I stood up.

I still felt a little restless, a little unsure.  I couldn't really
believe, in the bright light of morning, that he was going to stay.
He never promised that he would stay, even though he said he'd
forgiven me.  I figured, how easy would it be for him to discover that
he really couldn't forgive me, now that the sexual impulse was
satisfied?

I wanted to wake him up, talk it over with him, but I didn't have the
heart for it.  He'd mentioned sleepless nights; I knew how hard that
could be.  So, I got dressed, laced up my sneakers and headed out for
a run.

^^^

The run was good, cleansing.  I jogged back up the stairs of my
building a little more confident, in myself if not our relationship.
I realized that I'd been alone for years; I could do it again, even if
I wouldn't be happy.  I could make it, and I probably wouldn't fall
off the couch if I didn't have to share it.

When I let myself back into my apartment, the smell of coffee
surprised me.

"Hey, there you are.  I saw your sneakers were gone, figured you'd
gone for a run."  His voice was upbeat, but a little wary.  There was
a slight tone in there that said he'd been worried, worried I'd ran in
more ways than one.  

But I hadn't.  I had that under control.  I came around into the
kitchen and met his look with a smile.  "Yeah, I woke up early and
didn't want to disturb Sleeping Beauty."

He chuckled deeply, "Come here, you!" Then he surprised me by grabbing
my arm and pulling me towards him quickly.  He kissed me--hard.
Pressing my lips open with his, seeking out my tongue, conquering my
mouth, all the while holding me fast with his thick hands around my
upper arms.  I was glad he was holding me because my legs had turned
weak from the force of his passion.

When he finally let me go, I rocked back on my heels, drawing in a
deep breath.  My eyes travelled from his flushed face down to his
body.  He'd fished his boxers from the heap we left the night before,
and he'd taken a clean t-shirt from the folded pile on my bed.  It fit
him perfectly, stretching tightly over his pectorals and his arms.  I
could see that I had never done it justice.

I reached to pull it off of him, but he stopped me.  

"No, you did all the work last night.  Now it's my turn," he growled
in my ear.

He took my hand and led me into the bedroom, where the bed was
miraculously clear of laundry and papers.  He'd been busy during my
run.  He pushed me down so that I was sitting on the bed and then
kneeled before me.  He pushed my t-shirt up my chest and over my head,
following his hands with his mouth on my stomach, my chest.  

I'd been hard since he first kissed me, but it was getting unbearable.
I moaned something, "Please...," but he kept his attention above my
waist, pulling lightly at my nipples with his teeth.  "Walt!" I
gasped, and he finally took pity on me.

He pushed me back on the bed and pulled my sweats off to reveal my
straining erection.  Standing above me, he pulled off his own t-shirt
and shorts before flashing his most dangerous smile at me.  He joined
me on the bed, then, kissing me again and then grasping me around the
waist and flipping me onto my stomach.

I pulled my knees up under me, opening myself to him, and begged him,
"I need you in me."  It had been so long since I'd felt him fill me
up, felt his warm strength slip inside me.  He reached over and took
the condoms and lube from my bedside drawer, where I'd always kept
them.  I thought I would weep from relief, and maybe I did.

I felt the cold gel against my skin, but then his warm finger was
there, and he pressed it inside of me smoothly.  I was ready for him,
welcoming, and he must have been pleased with what he felt.  He bent
over and kissed me--in between my shoulder blades, then the back of my
neck.  He pulled back to position himself and pushed himself into me.

I bucked back against him, driving him in more deeply.  The head of
his penis brushed my prostate, and I gasped, almost losing it.  But he
pulled back a little and reached around to take me in his hand.
Simultaneously thrusting with his hips and his hand, he brought us
both to the very edge, and then I couldn't hold off any longer.  I
came, spasming around him, pulling him over the brink with me.

When I opened my eyes, he was still on top of me, and my chest was
sticky with cum.  He kissed me again--the base of my spine, the middle
of my back, and then whispered in my ear, "I'll be right back."

He returned with a warm damp cloth and cleaned me up before crawling
back onto the bed with me.  I reached over the side of the bed and
pulled up an afghan to cover us as he lay down beside me.  I put my
arms around him and fell asleep with my head on his chest, the strong,
deep rhythm of his heart leading me into sleep.

^^^

I woke up with him pushing at my head. 

"Mulder get off of me.  Wake up and get the hell off of me."  

Even through the fog of sleepiness, I could tell he was panicked.  The
thought of his panic drove me into wakefulness and I sat up beside
him.  "What's wrong, Walt?"  As I rubbed my eyes open, I looked at him
and realized that he was pale and sweaty.  I cupped my hand around his
cheek, and his skin was too cold.  There was fear, something I wasn't
used to seeing, in his eyes.

"Jesus, I can't breathe," he ground out through clenched teeth.
"Thought it was your damn big head but still can't."  He was gasping
for air, and my mind was spinning.

I couldn't think what to do; I just kept staring at him as he turned
whiter than my sheets.  Thinking it would let him breathe more easily,
I helped him sit up against the headboard, and he seemed to ease a
little.  I felt for his pulse at his neck, and it was so fast I could
barely feel the individual beats.  He bent over in pain then, moaning,
"Fox!"

I leapt off the bed.  "I'm calling an ambulance, Walt.  Please hold
on!"  I punched in the digits and gave them the information before
rushing back to him.  I could only hope and try to trust that this
would be a real ambulance that would come, not someone who would take
him away from me.

I rushed back into the bedroom, pulling my sweat pants on, only to see
him slump back against the headboard.  My heart lurched.  I shook him,
called his name, but he didn't respond.  For once, I thanked whatever
gods may be for my memory.  It had been a couple of years since that
CPR class.

I picked him up from the bed and laid him down on the floor, tipping
his head back.  A-airway.  Seemed open.  B-breathing.  I held my face
above his mouth, but I couldn't feel anything, could perceive no
movement of his chest.  Okay, five breaths.  I fit my mouth to his and
breathed into him, giving him everything I could.  His chest rose a
bit each time, so I knew it was working a little.  

C-circulation.  I felt again for a pulse, but there was nothing.
Nothing.  Taking a deep breath and hoping that I wouldn't hurt him too
badly, I laced my hands together over his heart and pressed down
firmly.  Fifteen compressions.  Back up to his mouth for two breaths.
Fifteen compressions.  Two breaths.  Two more cycles, and then I
checked his pulse again, but there was still nothing.  

Compressions, breaths, compressions, breaths.  I felt that I could go
on forever if it would save him.  I knew that it had to save him, had
to bring him back.  Compressions, breaths, and then there was a weak
cough, a slight pulse.  I turned him gently onto his side and knelt
down over him, entwining my fingers with his, watching every shallow
breath.

Finally, after what felt like 45 minutes but was probably only 10, the
EMTs arrived.  I told them what had happened, and they lifted him onto
a gurney, hooking him up to machines.  They covered his body, which I
realized was still naked, with a blanket.

The EMT looked at me. "If you want to get dressed and follow, we're
going to Northeast Georgetown."

"No! I'm coming!"  I'd be damned if I left his side after what had
happened with Scully.  I grabbed my shoes and shirt from the floor and
ran after them, dressing as I ran.  I put my shoes on in the elevator
and followed them into the back of the ambulance.  The EMT didn't
bother to argue with me.

They hooked him up to more machines once we were inside and moving.
He was still breathing, still had a pulse.  I couldn't tear my eyes
away from the site of the blanket barely rising above his chest with
each shallow breath.  The beeping of the machines kept time for me.
If my concentration and hope could have kept him breathing, they would
have.  Maybe they did.

^^^

When we arrived at the Emergency Room, I was pushed to the side as
Walter was wheeled into a treatment room.  I heard someone shout,
"He's bottoming out!"  The blare of a machine.  I ran after and saw a
tiny little nurse kneeling above him on the table, pressing onto his
chest.  Somebody else was helping him breath with oxygen, and the
machine picked up its rhythmic bleeping again.

People in various sorts of scrubs surrounded him, blocking my sight,
and panic rose up side of me.  I had to see him, had to see that he
was alive.  The room started to take on a slow tilt, and then there
was a hand on my arm.  I was led, stumbling, to a chair, where a woman
with kind brown eyes sat down next to me, holding a clip board.

"Sir, are you okay?  Can you hear me?"  

I nodded numbly and she smiled at me.

"Your friend is in good hands, but we need you to give us some
information so we can help him."  I nodded again, so she continued.
"First, what is his name?"

"Walter Skinner.  S-K-I-N-N-E-R"

She wrote it down.  "And who is his next of kin?"

I realized I had no idea.  "Um, his parents are dead.  His wife died.
Ummm."

"It's okay, Mr...?"

"Mulder."

"And what is your relationship?"

"We work together. He's my boss, or he used to be." I sighed, not
knowing what to say.  "We're friends."

"Do you know his medical history?"

"Oh, geez, you'll want to get in touch with Dr. Plant or Dr. Carerra.
He was treated last month for a strange blood condition.  Other than
that, he's very healthy.  He works out.  He's not even 50 yet."

"Okay, Mr. Mulder, that should help.  If you could just fill out these
forms a best you can, we'd appreciate it.  Is there someone you can
call to wait with you?  Bring you a jacket or something?  It may be a
while until we can tell you anything about Mr. Skinner's condition."

I nodded and managed a gruff thank you before she returned to the
desk.  Taking the stupid clipboard with me, I walked over to the
phones to call Scully.  I didn't even have any change with me, so I
had to call collect.  After hearing the terse recording of "Mulder"
she accepted the charges.

"Mulder, what did you do now?"  She sounded happy, light in a way she
never did during the week anymore.

"Scully, I need you."  Yes, I was pathetic, but I couldn't help it.  I
didn't feel like I could hold it together much longer.

"What's wrong, Mulder?  Where are you?"

"Northeast Georgetown.  It's not me, Scully, it's Skinner. I think he
had--"  I almost couldn't say it past the lump in my throat.  "I think
he had a heart attack."

She gasped then.  "Oh my God, Mulder!  I'll be down there right away."

"Scully," I interrupted before she could hang up on me.  "I need you
to do me a favor.  Can you please go by my place and get me a pair of
jeans and my jacket?  And my wallet and keys, please."

She sounded confused and curious, but--bless her--she didn't ask for
an explanation then.  "Okay Mulder, I'll be there in about 45
minutes."

I hung up the phone and returned to my hard, plastic chair to fill out
the forms.  I could give them his address, phone number and employment
information, but beyond that they were going to have to call the
Bureau for details.

After a short while, the brown-eyed nurse came over to tell me they
were taking him up to surgery.  I handed her the forms and headed up
to the surgical waiting room.  There were two families, a group of
friends, and me.  Feeling under-dressed and out of place, I waited for
Scully, tapping my foot in time to my relentless heartbeat.

^^^

I was lucky Scully arrived when she did.  Between my tapping, shifting
and pacing, I was getting homicidal looks from some of the people
sharing the waiting room with me.  And I didn't have my gun on me to
defend myself.  The 70-ish volunteer woman at the information desk,
who evidently had the patience of a saint, just kept looking at me
like she wanted to hug me.

Scully walked in and sat down next to me, dropping a shopping bag at
my feet.  I looked inside to find jeans, a long-sleeved henley, my
wallet and keys, and Walter's wallet and keys, even a pair of boxers
and socks.  She handed me my black leather jacket, which I put on,
glad to have it in the chilly waiting room.  "Thanks, Scully."

Scully placed her hand on my knee.  "I talked to the ER doctor, and he
told me Skinner was doing pretty well.  They gave him a drug to help
thin his blood, and now they're performing angioplasty to remove the
clot from his artery.  Once the clot is gone, he won't be in pain
anymore."

"That's good, Scully.  Thanks for talking to the doctor."  My voice
was rusty from worry and disuse.

Scully turned sideways in her seat and moved her hand to my arm.  For
a quick moment, I flashed back to Walter's larger hands on my arms,
holding me close.  She was trying to look me in the eye, and I allowed
her the contact.

"Mulder, he also told me you saved him.  You performed CPR on him for
several minutes before the EMTs arrived."  Her voice was quiet,
respectful.  "I didn't even know you knew CPR, Mulder.  It's lucky you
were there."   There was a questioning tone to her voice, and I'm sure
she was dying to know all the details.  Dying.

"I took a class."  I answered the easier question first.  I didn't
want to tell Scully about what was going on between Walter and me.
It's not that I never intended to tell her; I did.  I just wanted to
keep it private for a while, keep it special.  However, she had to
suspect, and I really didn't have the energy to waste hiding from her
or dancing around the subject.

"Scully, I'm involved with Skinner."

Her hand slid down my arm, and I thought for sure she was pissed, but
then she took my hand in hers.  "I know that."

I look up at her in frank shock.  

She sighed.  "Mulder, I'm neither an idiot nor a child.  I've known
there was something between you two for a long time.  However, even if
I hadn't know before, the piles of clothes by the bed and the used
condom and lubricant packages would have clued me in."  She was
smiling.  It was *okay* with her.

"Got it, Scully.  So, I assume I can count on you to keep quiet about
this?"

"As the tomb, Mulder."  Shit, yeah, the tomb.  She must have seen
something in my face because she continued in a hushed voice.  "You
know what I mean, Mulder.  Anyway, why don't you go change?  I'll see
if I can get any information from the nurses."

^^^

Grateful for the change in subject, I took the grocery bag and headed
for the men's room.  After changing, I washed my face.  Looking at
myself in the mirror, I couldn't believe what all had happened in the
last 24 hours.  I'd had my hopes dashed in Walter's office, got drunk,
threw a fit in Walter's home, ate dinner with him at a diner, made up
with him, had sex, slept in his arms, gone for a run, got laid,
performed CPR and ridden in an ambulance.  Shit.

I realized that it was my fault.  He was sick, I made him exert
himself, begged him to, and he had a heart attack.  His heart stopped
and it was my fault.  The bile rose up in my throat, and I practically
dove for the stall.  On my knees, the tile digging into my skin,
throwing up what little was in my stomach, I began to do penance for
what I'd done.  Scully may be the Catholic in our partnership, but I'm
the expert in guilt.

I was still retching a little, uselessly, when I heard a light tap on
the bathroom door and then Scully's voice.  "Mulder?"  Gently,
quietly.  "Mulder, are you okay in there?"

I willed my stomach to be still.  "Yeah, Scully, be out in a moment."
I heard the door close then and pulled myself up and over to the
sinks.  What I really wanted to do, assuming I couldn't be with
Walter, was sit on the floor and try to pretend none of this was
happening for a while.  However, Scully and reality awaited outside
the men's room door.

^^^

Sure enough, she was waiting right outside the door.  "Mulder, are you
okay?"  Her concern was evident in her eyes, in the way she reached
out to me, but I brushed her off.

"I'm fine, Scully.  Did you find out anything about his condition?"

"Yes I did, actually.  The procedure went well, and he's in the
recovery room now.  We'll be able to see him in his room in a little
while."

"How long?"

"About half an hour or so.  Why don't we go down to the cafeteria and
get something to eat until then?"

I nodded my acquiescence.  I had no intention of eating, but Scully
and I had a lot to talk about.  Once I had a large coffee and a bag of
chips in front of me, I started in on Scully again.

"Okay, Scully, I need to know if this is connected to the nanocytes.
I know you said he was recovered, but in his shape, a heart attack
doesn't seem too likely."

"Well, a man his age even in good shape can have a heart attack, but I
agree that it seems strange.  I called Dr. Plant, and he's ordered
some blood tests to be done once Skinner's stabilized.  We'll be able
to see if the nanocytes have become active again.  It's also possible
that there was simply some small amount of blockage left over from
last month and that it caused this attack."

So we knew effectively nothing at that point.  "Skinner--Walter--he
wouldn't give me any details about who infected him with the
nanocytes, but I believe he knows.  He wouldn't tell me because he
thought it would put either or both of us at risk, but it doesn't seem
like much of a risk, considering he almost died on me today."

My emotions threatened to overwhelm me again, but I stuffed them back
down.  There was work to do.

"Mulder, I want to get them, too, whoever did this to him, but right
now you should concentrate on Skinner.  He's going to be in here for a
little while, and he's going to need you here with him, not running
off getting yourself in trouble."

"Scully, that's another thing.  How long have you know about our
relationship?  Does anyone else know?"  

"I think I'm the only one, Mulder.  Actually, I had thought you two
were involved last year, but then it seemed to be over."

"I never thought you would have lied for me about the body in my
apartment if you'd known we were together."

She sighed and looked away a bit guiltily.  "I thought it was over.
Anyway, I was sick."  She pinned me with her gaze.  "I was dying, and
I was convinced Skinner was dirty.  Hurting his feelings wasn't a big
concern at the time.  I'm sorry."

I looked down.  "It was pretty much over, then, and after the fiasco
with Ostelhoff it was over for sure.  We just now..."

"You just got back together?  God, Mulder, what timing."  She reached
across the table and briefly touched my hand.

"The Mulder luck." I gave her the best smile I could manage.  "Do you
know what room he's going to be in?"  She nodded, and we rose from the
table, heading towards the elevators.  I wanted to be there when they
brought him in to his room.  I needed to see for myself that he was
alive, breathing.

^^^


Subject: Voices III: Losing My Voice(2/2) SLASH NC-17 M/SK


We didn't have to wait long in that hall in the Cardiac Care Unit
before a gurney came towards us carrying Walter.  I fixed my eyes on
him as soon as I could; he was so pale, so dwarfed by the machines
around him.  Scully went into doctor mode as he was pushed into the
room, plucking his chart from the end of the bed.  

The doctor, a middle-aged black man with light brown skin, turned from
his patient to us.  "Excuse me, I'm Dr. Regelson, and you are?"

Scully extended her hand.  "I'm Dr. Dana Scully, and this is my
partner Special Agent Fox Mulder.  We work with Mr. Skinner at the
FBI.  We're also his friends.  I was involved with his treatment last
month."

"This was for the blood condition?  I saw some mention of that on his
chart.  I see a Dr. Plant has ordered some tests?"

"Yes, Dr. Plant and I worked together on the unusual pathogen that
infected Mr. Skinner at that time.  We need to find out if there's
been a reoccurance of the pathogen that has caused the MI."

"Well, Dr. Scully, the procedure was, for the most part, straight
forward.  We used the balloon angioplasty to dislodge the clot from
his artery.  Thanks to the quick action on the scene, the area of his
heart muscle affected was relatively small.  The strange thing was
that when a man his age has a heart attack, we usually see that the
arteries are significantly clogged with plaque.  Mr. Skinner's
arteries, on the other hand, were clear, very clear.  I don't know
what would have caused a clot to form, but it doesn't appear that
there is much danger of another one forming soon."

"That's good to hear.  However, the particular behavior of the
pathogen was that it built walls within the blood vessels."

"Ah, then I can see why you're concerned about the causes of this
blockage.  Please notify me about the results of those tests.  Now,
Dr. Scully, Agent Mulder, I have other patients to see.  Mr. Skinner
tolerated the anesthesia well, so he should be waking up soon.  Please
do what you can to help him remain calm and comfortable.  He'll need a
lot of rest over the next few days."

Scully nodded and glanced over at me.  I nodded at the doctor as well,
and then he rushed of down the hall.

"Sounds pretty good, Mulder.  You can sit with him; I'm going to talk
to the nurses."

I thanked her and, finally, walked over to his bed.  His breathing was
steady, much deeper than it had been in those horrible moments back at
my place and in the ambulance.  The monitors told me that his heart
was beating strongly again, and I had to resist the urge to lay my
head on his chest to feel it myself.  I didn't want to hurt him.  I
pulled the chair over next to the bed railing and perched in it,
taking his hand gently in mine.

I watched his face, how strong the lines in it were.  I watched his
chest rise and fall, the wide bulk of it impressive even in a hospital
bed.  I watched his hand in mine for any signs of movement, stroking
it softly along the lines of the bones.  He was something to look at,
even pale and drawn, even unconscious and ill.  I loved him, and I
prayed to God, the Consortium and shape-shifting aliens that he would
survive.

^^^

His hand twitched in mine, and I look up to see his brown eyes
fluttering open.  I stood up and put my other hand on his forehead,
rubbing it lightly over his skin.  "Walter, hey, can you hear me?"

"Mulder--" his whispered voice was hoarse, dry, so I reached for the
cup of water beside his bed and helped him take a few sips.

"Better?"

He nodded a little and his eyes closed again for a moment.  "Mulder,
what happened?"

The doctor had said it was important not to upset him.  "Don't worry
about it.  You're okay now.  You're going to be okay." I spoke softly,
trying to reassure him.

"Tell me," he commanded, even in his tired, thin voice.  "What
happened?"

"You had a heart attack."  I felt his body react under my hands.
"Shh.  Shh.  It was only a small one, and they stopped it really fast.
Scully said everything sounds good."

"Good," he whispered, licking his dry lips.  I offered him a little
more water.  He spoke once more, "...love you...," before dropping off
to sleep.

I smiled in relief and sat back in my chair, still holding his hand in
mine.  A few minutes later, a nurse came in to take some blood and
then Scully came in to sit with me.

"He woke up for a minute.  He seemed pretty out of it, but he made me
tell him what had happened."  I was still worried that I shouldn't
have told him, that I shouldn't have upset him.  "I tried to keep him
calm."

"Don't worry about it, Mulder, he probably won't even remember.  He's
still got to be pretty hazed.  It's good he woke up."  As usual,
Scully's clear logic helped *me* calm down, so I hoped it would work
with Walter once he was awake enough to appreciate it.

"Mulder," she continued quietly, "I hate to bring this up, but what
are you going to do about the Bureau?  I don't have a problem with
your relationship, but some people might not be so tolerant."

"God, Scully, fuck the Bureau.  I don't care what they think."  Her
question, mentioning a reality beyond this room, beyond us, made me so
angry.

"I know you don't, but what about him?"  She tipped her head towards
my sleeping lover.  "It's his career too, and he's the one who would
take the bigger fall.  I'm not telling you what to do; I'm just
reminding you to think about him."

"God damn it, Scully! He's all I can think about!" I felt tears
forming in my eyes, so I stood up and walked over to the small window
looking out onto the parking lot.  "You didn't see him, Scully.  You
didn't see him crying out in pain.  You didn't his chest still, feel
his pulse *dead* under your fingers.  I can still see it, every time I
close my eyes.  Shit!"  I spoke louder than I'd intended to, and
louder than I should have, because I head a groan from the bed.

I went over to him and cupped my hand on his cheek.  His skin was
warmer, warmer than before, proof that he'd survived.  "Shh, it's
okay.  Go back to sleep."

"Scully?" He asked, barely loud enough for me to hear.

"She's right here." 

Scully walked over to the other side of the bed then and took his
large hand in her small one.  "What is it, sir?"

He tried to say something, but neither of us could understand it.  She
leaned in then, her red hair a drape over his face.  He whispered
again, still too quietly for me to hear.  Scully seemed to understand,
though, because she smiled and nodded her head at him before sleep
claimed him again.

"Come on, Mulder, we need to give the nurses a chance to do their
thing.  They'll get mad and throw us out if we get in their way.  As
it is, I talked them into letting the two of us stay most of the
time."

"Thanks, Scully," I muttered somewhat gracelessly, and reluctantly
followed her out into the hall.

^^^

"Scully, what did he say to you?"

"Nothing, Mulder," she replied lightly.

"Sure, whatever.  Why don't you head on home, Scully.  I'm sure you
have things to do.  I'll just wait out here until they let me back
in."

"I don't think so.  If I leave you here, and you fall on your face,
the nurses will ban us for sure.  When was the last time you had
anything to eat?"

I sighed loudly.  I had thrown out the chips from the cafeteria
earlier. I'd intended on finding something for breakfast after my run,
but Walter sort of distracted me.  After that, things got a bit
hectic.  I looked at my watch.  It was after 6:30 in the evening, and
I hadn't had anything since last night.  No wonder I felt like shit.

Apparently my pondersome look was answer enough for Scully because she
answered, "That's what I thought."  With admittedly ill humor, I
allowed her to lead me like a child to the grim institutional
cafeteria.

I asked the older woman behind the grill counter for a cheeseburger
and fries, and she put it on my tray, favoring me with a look laced
with sympathy.  I had to wonder what the deal was with all these old
ladies.  They probably thought I was there to visit my beautiful young
wife.  Not quite.

Scully popped a bottle of orange juice onto my tray to offset the
coffee I'd chosen and soon we were at a small round formica table.

"Mulder, I  hope you're not angry with me for dragging you down here.
I know you want to stay close to Skinner, but you were really starting
to look the worse for wear.  He'd kick both our asses if he woke up
and couldn't see you because you were on a bed on another floor."

All the mothering was really getting to me.  "Yeah, thanks Scully, I
can take care of myself."

"Not when you're concentrating all your energy on somebody else.  When
you've been injured, Skinner had to order me home before I'd leave
you.  I understand.  Just eat your cheeseburger so we can get back
upstairs to your man."

With a brief snort, I set to eating my dinner, which was unfortunately
the variety of hamburger that proceeds to sit in the bottom of your
stomach as if you'd eaten a hockey puck.  After we finished, just as I
was standing up to dispose of my tray, Scully placed her cool hand on
my arm.

"I took care of the Bureau, Mulder.  I told them the hospital wasn't
allowing any visitors for two days, so you're in the clear until
then."

I looked at her with open-mouthed awe.  She'd lied to the Bureau.  For
me.  Again.

She laughed a little at my shock.  "Don't worry about it.  I figured
it was best for him anyway.  Once they're allowed in, weasels like
Colton will be showing up in hordes to score points with the A.D."

I hadn't thought of that, but Scully was right.  I would have to use
the next two days well.  I wondered if Scully would be willing to feed
my fish, but then I remembered that my latest batch had died a couple
weeks ago.  It was just as well.

^^^

When we got back to the ward, I found a more comfortable chair and a
blanket waiting for me next to Walter's bed, thanks to Scully's magic.
Scully left with a promise to come back in the morning, and I settled
in, determined to watch Walter all night.  I figured if something went
wrong, at least I would notice right away.  Soon, however, I was
having trouble holding my head up.  I rested my head on the side of
his mattress so that I could just watch the rise and fall of his chest
through my slitted eyes.  I had never seen anything more reassuring.

I woke up to the feeling of a hand moving through my hair, smoothing
it, petting it.  Still half-asleep, I moved my head closer to the
source of the wonderful sensations, pressing lightly into its palm.
Lost in the animal pleasure of the contact, I forgot where I was.
Then a machine started waling down the hall, and I came fully awake.  

I looked up at Walter, and he was smiling at me.  A warm, gorgeous
smile that almost made up for the wires still attached to his body.  

"Hey, how do you feel?"

His smile faded, and I sat up straighter.  "I feel okay, Mulder, just
tired.  I remember talking to you last night, but I was pretty out of
it.  Did I--"  He paused, looking down at his hands.  "I had a heart
attack, didn't I?"

I wished I could lie to him, but he sees through me every time.
"Yeah, but the doctor says it was relatively small."

"So it wasn't too bad?  I don't remember."

I wanted to tell him that it wasn't bad, and maybe according to the
doctor it wasn't.  But all I could think of was my hand on his
neck--no pulse.  I felt the tears at my eyes, choking me.  "It was bad
enough," I finally said quietly.

He caught my gaze, held it until my eyes dried.  I think he understood
then how bad it had been for me.  I didn't know if I should or not,
but I stood up then and kissed him.  I pressed my lips gently onto
his, trying to erase the memory of forcing air into his still lungs.
I rested my head then lightly on his shoulder, and he reached up with
his hand, lightly caressing the back of my neck.

I pulled away at a tap on the door, and a nurse entered.  I looked at
my watch, and it was 7:30 a.m.  I went to the men's room to wash my
face and give the nurse a chance to take care of Walter.  Soon after I
came out, Scully arrived bearing donuts and real non-hospital coffee.
We expected Drs. Regelson and Plant to come during their morning
rounds, and all three of us were anxious about what news they would
bring.

^^^

Dr. Plant came in first.  I got up and stood next to Walter, gripping
his hand in mine.  I hope I didn't hurt him, but I wanted to get my
hands around the neck of whoever infected him with those things.

"Well, Mr. Skinner, it appears that once again, you'll live."  A
collective breath was released in the room.  "We have tested and
re-tested your blood samples, and we can detect no trace of the kind
of activity in your blood that made you ill last month.  Dr. Scully
and I both agree that your heart attack was most likely caused by some
residual carbon linkages.  As you've been recovering, those walls have
been breaking down.  Apparently, one of those walls wasn't broken down
far enough."

"So the nanocytes weren't re-activated?  This is definite?"

Dr. Plant sighed. "Agent Mulder, we know very little about this
technology.  However, as far as I can tell, there has been no new
activity.  If these nanocytes are experimental, this may well have
been an unforseen consequence of Mr. Skinner's infection."

So, Walter almost dying *again* was one big Consortium fuck-up.  I
wanted to laugh, so help me, but I was afraid that if I started I
wouldn't be able to stop until they put me in the shirt with the long,
long sleeves.  I contained myself, shook Dr. Plant's hand, shared a
tense smile with Scully.

Dr. Regelson walked in with a thick chart.  "Well, Mr. Skinner, you
are in excellent health for a man who just had a heart attack."

"Thank you, doctor," Walter replied, his eyes intense.

"Your cholesterol level and aterial blockage are both extremely good
for a man your age.  Your blood pressure could be better, but it's not
in itself worrisome.  You obviously work out.  You also eat a healthy
diet?"

"I try."

"Very good.  Frankly, according to conventional medicine, you should
not have had a heart attack.  Dr. Plant tells me that this rare
pathogen you were exposed to most likely explains the clot formation.
While this is problematic in its own way, your general state of health
should allow for a quick recovery.

"Unless you experience unforseen complications, I will release you
tomorrow afternoon.  You will need to stay at home and relax for two
weeks before returning to work."  Dr. Regelson fixed Walter with a
sharp look.  "Do yourself a favor and listen to me on this or you
could end up back in here again."  He glanced at me then and back to
Walter.  "After the two week period you may return to normal sexual
activity and exercise.  Not before."

Walter nodded.  I think I blushed.  Scully just tried to hide her
smile behind one hand.  Regelson promised to return tomorrow before
Walter's discharge and took his leave.

^^^

Walter sent me home after that.   In cohoots with Scully, he got her
to drive me.  He told me to shower, shave and change and come back
when I smelled better.

I have to admit the shower did feel good.  The hot water eased some of
the ache out of my back from too much time spent in hospital
furniture.    When I stepped out of the bathroom, naked and warm, I
couldn't help myself.  Just for a moment, I got into my bed, the
covers still rumpled from our morning activities.

Letting myself go, I could still feel him on me, in me.  I could feel
his kisses on my back like blessings, feel his strong back protecting
me.  My body was remembering his touch, too, and I grew hard for him.
There under the covers, I took my cock in my hand and brought myself
to climax, but it was him touching me the whole time, him loving me,
his voice in my ear.  

The ache I'd been feeling in the pit of my stomach lifted for the
first time since rushing to the hospital.  For a few precious moments,
I let myself rest.  I let the guilt go and the anger, and I took in
return the promise of love.  I never thought giving up would feel so
good.

I cleaned myself up then, shaved and dressed.  Before leaving my
apartment again, I packed a bag to put in my trunk.  I didn't know if
he would let me, but I wanted to stay with him while he recuperated.
I thought maybe this time I could get Scully working on my side in a
medical matter.  It turned out to be even easier than I imagined.

^^^

When I got back the hospital in the early afternoon, a therapist had
just come in to work with Walter.  She said she needed to make sure he
would be okay resuming a minimum level of activity.  I noticed he was
sitting up in bed for the first time.  His color was better, and the
IV was gone.  

I noticed he'd talked them into bringing him some scrub pants to wear
under the hospital gown.  If he was going to be up and moving around,
that little swath of material wouldn't have covered much on a man his
size.  I almost laughed imagining him turning his A.D. voice on the
poor nurses, requisitioning pants.

Kelly, the therapist, had some papers she was going over to prepare
him for tomorrow's discharge.  "Will someone be at home to help you
out, Mr. Skinner?"

"No, but I'll be fine.  I feel fine already."  I could hear him
chafing at the idea of dependence.

"Well, we do recommend that you have someone with you, at least for
the first few days.  If you're going to be alone at home, Dr. Regelson
may want to keep you admitted for an extra day or two."

Catch-22.  I saw it in his face.  "I'd be happy to stay with you," I
volunteered innocently.

"Oh, Mulder, I'd hate to put you out."

"Not a problem."  I felt almost chipper.  I was getting my way, and I
didn't even have to ask for it.

"Very good.  Just make sure he gets lots of rest and doesn't lift
anything over twenty pounds.  The doctor will give you a list of his
medications tomorrow, I'm sure."

"I'm, sure," Walter echoed glumly.  I think he was imagining me as
nursemaid in some sort of Gothic horror tale.  Well, he'd find out
soon enough.  Besides, I knew I could always call Scully if anything
went wrong.  She's always willing to come running with an aural
thermometer and a blood pressure cuff.

Next thing, Kelly said, was to get Walter up and walking around a
little to make sure his heart rate wouldn't go out of wack or
anything.  The two of us spotted him and he swung his legs out of the
bed, and I stood with my hand at his back while he recovered his
balance.  I know from experience that a couple days on your back can
play havoc with that.

With some wires still attached to him to monitor his heart, we made
our way slowly out the door and down the hall.  I could tell he was
tired and sore, still.  I read that a few minutes of oxygen
deprivation is hell on your muscles.  I missed his confident stride,
his straight-arrow walk that turns heads in the corridors of the
Hoover, but it was fine just to see him walking.  Not shuffling even,
just ambling along steadily.  

As we walked back towards his room again, he started listing a little
in my direction.  I slipped my arm around his waist and let him lean
on me.  Kelly smiled at me and helped me guide him back into the bed.
She told us the results looked great, left some printed instructions,
and went on her way.

Walter sat up, wearily, in the bed.  "Jesus, Mulder, I'm an old man."

I thought he was joking.  "Yeah, but I love you anyway.  I'll buy you
an engraved cane, and we'll go to Atlantic City."

He growled, "I'm serious Mulder.  Look at me, I'm old and bald with a
bad heart.  I can hardly walk ten yards, and I need you to babysit me.
It's a miracle I can even get it up."

I was shocked that he saw himself that way.  "Is that what you think I
see?" I asked quietly.

He didn't respond; he just looked down at the white knit blanket on
his bed.

I moved closer then and sat on the edge of his bed.  I reached out
slowly with one hand and caressed his cheek.  "You are the strongest
man I've ever met."  I ran my other hand over his head and then moved
it down so that I held his face securely in my hands.  "You've got a
hell of a body and a good, strong heart. Even the doctor says so, but
I know better than he does."

That got a small smile out of him, so I continued.  "When you do grow
old, I'll be there.  If you want me to.  I want to be there.  I love
you.  I love your body, and I love your heart."  I ran my hands down
to his shoulder and leaned in, kissing him on the smooth crown of his
head.  "And I love your gorgeous bald head."

He laughed then, a bit thickly.  "Only you, Mulder."

Brushing away my own tears, I hopped down from the bed and covered him
with the blanket.  As his eyes drifted closed, I lowered the back of
the bed so he could rest.  A nurse knocked on the door then and told
me to make myself scarce for a while.  Before I could leave, Walter
grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him.

"I love you too, Mulder.  Thank you."

I couldn't help but smiling, even as the nurse pushed me out the door
and shut it behind me.

^^^

Not knowing what else to do with myself, I found I was actually
hungry.  I'm really not very picky, so I decided to stick with the
cafeteria.  I went with the Salisbury steak special this time, and
it's filling up the hole in my stomach quite well.  Tomorrow, I'll
take Walter home.  Thanks to Scully, we'll escape the hospital before
the visitors even get their chance.  

I'm really looking forward to taking care of him.  I know, I'm not
usually so domestic, but it's an opportunity to show him how much I
care.  How it's so much more than the sex.  When we were together
before, we managed to keep it separate.  We were a couple in the
bedroom and our own men the rest of the time.

I think that's where the mistake came in.  It's so much easier to find
yourself drawn in by the darkness when you're alone.   Together, we'll
be unconquerable.  We can overturn the Bureau and the Consortium and
win over my mother.  We've got Scully, too, and the Gunmen on our
side.  

With the love of a great man, the friendship of a good woman, and the
technical assistance of three fine geeks, there isn't anything I can't
do.

^^^^^^^^^

THE END

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