TITLE: Trust and Starlight
NAME: frogdoggie
E-MAIL: frogdoggie@zdnetonebox.com
CATEGORY: VRA, MSR, M/SK/SC friendship. SK/SC UST
RATING: PG-13 
SUMMARY: Skinner POV angst - post "This Is Not
Happening" fic. Want to read more of my fic? Then
surf here: http://www.squidge.org/3wstop
FEEDBACK - YES PLEASE, AND THANK YOU SIR, CAN I
HAVE ANOTHER? Comments, suggestions and healthy
debate are always welcome. Flames? They only serve
to warm my body and mind.
ARCHIVE: Sure. Anywhere - as long as my name and
e-mail addy stay on it.
TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING. Everything up until TINH.
KEYWORDS: vignette romance angst Scully Mulder
Skinner PG-13
DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and all other
X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen
Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting.
No copyright infringement is intended and no profit
is being made from their use. 

Thanks to Avalon of the IWTB list for beta help.

Trust and Starlight
by frogdoggie

She came to talk to me of starlight.

I wonder if she realizes how much that simple sign
of trust meant to me? How much it meant to me that
she acknowledged I believe? How much I appreciate
that she understands I'm willing to go to the wall
for her and Mulder now? What the gesture said about
last doubts slipping away...how I wouldn't blame
her if she still doubted...but how grateful I am
that she doesn't doubt me still?

"What if he's dead?" she began, her breath a ghostly,
white cloud between us. Her voice was tremulous
from emotion and the cold night air.
"I'm sorry..." she demurred.

But did she have a moment's hesitation even before
she knocked on my door? I wonder if she hesitated
over professional decorum before as well as after
I answered her knock? I know I had some hesitation.
I debated whether to ask her in or join her outside.


I sometimes ask myself if it *is* a bit pointless
that we still perform that superior and subordinate
dance of convention. It might even be rather sad
and a trifle silly. But I invariably answer that
it's a dance born out of necessity. We need it
in order to cling to normalcy in some part of our
lives. It's a formal dance to bond us in the chain
of command...to tell us that we're Assistant Director
Walter Skinner and Special Agent Dana Scully...and
not two frightened, desperate and guilty people
trying to stay afloat as the dark waters of circumstance
rise to drown them.

And yes, I need that professional distance, that
barrier between us, because I don't trust myself
to not let it cost us both if I allow the barrier
to drop completely.  If I ask Scully inside instead
of meeting her outside…outside the confines of
my heart as well as a hotel room.

"...I had a bad dream," she added.

I wonder if she knows how many times I've speculated
about her dreams...what she dreams in sleep...good
and bad? What she hopes, wishes and desires when
awake, too.  I wonder about those kind of dreams
most of all.

"Let me get some clothes on," I replied.

What did it do to her to see me standing there
in my T-shirt and sweat pants and not have it be
Mulder? I wonder how many times she's had a bad
or even good dream to relate, or a lead to expound,
or an interesting observation to make, or even
a wry comment to pass on...and how many times Mulder
got a knock on his door...and received whatever
she had to contribute? I can't even imagine what
it cost her to not have me be Mulder tonight. I
know what it cost me to not have it be Mulder...to
not be Mulder for her for even one night as well.

"Oldest thing in the universe. Stars that are long
dead now, but whose light is still traveling through
time. It won't die, that light. Maybe it's the
only thing that never does," she said.

I wonder what it cost her to speak to me of death
and souls residing in starlight? She spoke of the
never-ending light from billions upon billions
of suns. We discuss such portentous, intimate matters
with lovers...not well-meaning people like me who
are merely friends. 

I know I once spoke of such things to Sharon when
we were still young and in love. I had hope, like
that never-ending, never-dying starlight, for so
many things back then. I wonder if Scully and Mulder
did, too, when they were together? Maybe they spoke
of the hope that's like undying suns after joining
in love...maybe during or maybe after that special
moment of ultimate sharing. 

"He said that's where souls reside. Maybe he was
right," she whispered.

Does she really believe that Mulder is right about
souls residing in the starlight? I'd like to think
she does, and that he is, even though I've died
twice and never seen anything resembling the light
from billions of suns. Because if he is right,
I can have hope that it'll be different for me
next time. I can have faith my soul will reside
somewhere wondrous, rather than the hell it's so
often been in here on Earth. 

"If you're trying to prepare yourself, I want you
to stop," I answered.

But I wonder if she believed me when I told her
not to prepare herself for him to be right? Not
to think of him in the past tense...the 'was' that
relegates him to death. I wonder if she knew how
afraid I am that he was right, and that he knows
the truth now so intimately? I wonder if she knows
how much I haven't prepared myself for him to know
that particular truth as well? How unprepared I
am to think of him in the past tense...to relegate
him to that space between the stars where the light
from billions of suns helps to reveal all the answers?

And I wonder that she trusted me enough to talk
of starlight...and that she trusted
me to touch her, to pull her close in support...to
comfort her as she cried in anticipated loss and
grief. 

But one thing I'll never wonder...I'll never wonder
how I'll never betray that trust and let her know
I love her. How I'll never let her know I felt
the warmth of arousal as she took refuge against
me. How I'll never let her know the shame I feel
when that warmth makes me want to be more than
just a friend to her.

No...I'll never wonder because I'll be her friend,
her anchor, her rock, her shelter from the storm...as
long as she needs me to be...and simply nothing
more.

-THE END-