TowelFic By Holmes

Summary: Mulder and Scully take revenge for Skinner's
ingratitude during SR 819.

Xanthe thought that Skinner was distressingly overdressed
in SR819, and I agreed, hence the hatching of this story. She's
responsible for an idea in the story...I'll tell you at the end about it.

The disrespect to a certain celebrity is for Woodinat.

Many thanks to both Xanthe and Woodinat for their
encouragement to post this. (If you don't like the story though,
please don't hunt them down and kill them. The guilt for this
story rests solely with me.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder, Skinner, Scully, etc.  Chris
Carter and 1013 Productions own them. I'm not making any
money off of them, but I do show them a better time than he
does, and I think they really, really like me if nothing else.

Rating:  NC17
Holmes Rating: 4 1/2 sick puppies out of five. Don't think
you're getting off easy.  4 1/2 sick puppies are even sicker
than 5 sick puppies in my book.
Additional Holmes Rating:  SBCOEAH Snowball's Chance
Of Ever Actually happening.

Confession time: Why it got this rating: For consensual,
but strange, bdsm games, m/m, m/f, m/m/f sexual
relationships, twosomes, threesomes, and other "somes"
arrangements I'd warn you about, but it's been a long time
since I've had algebra.

Category: M/Sk/Sc, Slash, Humor, WalterTorture,
and KrycekTorture


Warnings:  Not only are there spoilers for SR 819
(Season 6 episode) I paraphrased the dialog, and
it's no doubt, out of order since I wrote the first scene
the Tuesday following the night it premiered. My
apologies for all of the inaccuracies.

Also: I know that there was no damned cup of coffee on
Skinner's desk in the episode. This is AU.   Also, the
BDSM in this story is played for laughs.

This story starts out seriously, but halfway through the
first chapter, I toss that RIGHT out the window.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TowelFic for Xanthe by Holmes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "So I was injected with... nanocytes is it?... which filled
my blood with carbon, and hardened my arteries?"
Skinner said, his voice hard-edged and surly, "who
would do that? Why would they go to all of that trouble
to kill me?"  Every facial expression and movement of
his well-muscled body said back off, fuck off, leave the
room before you say something to really piss me off.

"To see who you would turn to," Mulder said patiently
and firmly, with a polite smile frozen on his lips.

Skinner snorted, "So you think this is all about you.
Might I remind you that you no longer work on the XFiles,
in fact, neither of you do?"

"But YOU still do, sir," Scully said soberly, "it may very
well have something to with the XFiles."

Agent Mulder laid out two photographs on the A.D.'s desk.
They were of a bearded, longhaired man in baggy clothes.
"Sir, here are the surveillance camera shots of the man
who followed you into the FBI building. Do you
recognize him?"

"No, sorry, I don't," Skinner said with calculated
disinterest as he passed them back to Mulder.

Mulder frowned worriedly as he collected the photographs
and tucked them back into the file, handing to Skinner,
"Are you sure? This appears to be the same man whom
I chased in the hospital garage and who was responsible
for the death of the Tunisian diplomat who tried to kill you..."

Skinner stared at him defiantly.

Mulder took a deep breath, and continued, "Look, sir,
this man may not want you dead, but he may have been
the one to infect you with the nanocytes. He fits the
description of the man who you stated was watching you
at the boxing match when first became ill.  No doubt this
man is responsible for the death of the physicist who
tried to warn you.  There is evidence to suggest that this
man and his misuse of nanotechnology can be traced
back to the highest levels of our government. I'd like to
investigate further, but of course, I'll need your approval
to do so."

Skinner refused to meet his agents' eyes as he dismissively
tossed the file aside. "I'm sorry, agents, I have neither
the authority nor the heart to allow you to investigate
this matter any further. You work for A.D. Kersh, and
you follow his orders now."

Mulder and Scully were wide-eyed with disbelief.

Skinner cringed as he imagined what they were
thinking.  Mulder looked hurt and livid... always a
dangerous combination in his lover.

He knew what Mulder was thinking just by looking
at him. //"How many times do I have to save your
ungrateful, disobedient ass before you trust me,
much less respect me? I'm not just your subordinate!
I'm lover; I'm your top, for Christ's sake. You owe me."//

Skinner looked away, struggling desperately not to
fall into the role of penitent sub he had been trained so
well to play.  No way did he want their BDSM games
to become a part of their working relationship, but he
knew that he'd start babbling the entire story and beg for
forgiveness if he held Mulder's steady, questioning gaze.

He glanced up at Agent Scully, and that was just as bad.
The hurt and disbelief in those now suspicion-narrowed,
iceberg-blue eyes of hers shamed him. He could almost
hear the accusation in them. // "We risked our lives and
careers for you! You said that you wished that you had
helped us more!  Now that you're safe, you no longer
give a shit DO you, you LIAR! //

 Skinner felt his cheeks grow hot. //Sanctimonious
assholes! How many times have THEY died so far? Well
once in 'Nam and once on the operating table are more
than enough trial runs for me. I don't intend to die again
for a very long time. SCREW THEM! // "If that will be all
agents?" he said rebelliously, "I have work to do."

Skinner picked up a file, and pretended to be engrossed
in it, determined not to look up until they left...so he was
shocked to feel hot coffee splatter all over his shirt and
into his lap. "SHIT!!!!" he screamed as he jumped up,
tearing his shirt and pants away from his tortured
skin as fast as possible.

"How CLUMSY of me. I'm terribly sorry, sir" Agent Scully
said, running around the desk to help her boss get as
much fabric away from his skin as possible.

"GODDAMN IT, SCULLY, STOP! YOU'RE RIPPING
MY PANTS TO SHREDS! Skinner bellowed.

Kim Cooke ran into the office, "Are you okay sir?"  She
stopped dead in her tracks, gaping at her boss whose
shirt was coffee-stained and ripped open and whose pants
were puddled around his ankles. Skinner clenched his jaw,
and looked up and away... anywhere, just to avoid his
secretary's stunned gaze.

"He's fine," Scully said cheerily, blithely ignoring the
withering stares that everyone in the room gave her for
using that phrase for the thousandth time at least,
"he just spilled boiling hot coffee on himself. I was trying
to help him get the fluid away from his skin before it burned."

"UH," Kim said.

Mulder said nothing, but appeared to be in some difficulty,
since he was biting his twitching lips as he turned his back
to everyone.

"Kim, just make sure that he isn't disturbed for ANY
reason until Agent Mulder and I can find another suit
for him," Scully said authoritatively.

"UH," Kim said as she nodded her head. She backed
out of the office never once taking her eyes off her
blushing boss.

Scully knelt in front of Skinner. "Lift up your foot," she
said sharply, and Skinner obeyed.

It appalled Skinner that he responded to that firm, no
nonsense tone before he knew what he was doing.
He looked over at Mulder, clearing his throat to get
his top's attention. If only he could get him to turn around,
Mulder would see what Skinner wanted to know in his
eyes. //Did you tell her about us? Did you carry through
with your threats?//  All he could see was Mulder's
shaking shoulders. //What the hell is *that*
about, I wonder?//

"The other one, now!" she said, and once again,
Skinner complied.

Scully deftly grabbed Skinner's trousers, got up, and
walked over to Mulder, and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Mulder, I could use some help here. At least get
the A.D. a towel."

"Mpmf" Mulder said, still biting his lips, and ran as
ordered into Skinner's washroom.

Scully turned back to Skinner. "I'll be happy to pick
up a suit from your apartment, if you'll just give me
the directions."

Skinner handed his keys to Scully. "The square one
is my car door key. That won't be necessary. I picked
up my dry-cleaning at lunch. Just pick a suit..."

Scully nodded, and turned to leave.

Skinner cleared his throat. "Agent Scully? Even if my
suit pants are wet and torn, I'd still like to put them
back on now that they've cooled off.  Scully?
AGENT SCULLY!?!"

Scully ignored him until she got to the door. She turned
and smiled sweetly at him, and left the room with his
trousers draped over her arm, closing the door behind her.

Mulder emerged from the washroom, and tossed Skinner
a towel. "Don't worry sir, you'll look great in this!" he smirked,
"and we'll be back before you know it!"

Skinner blushed as he knotted the towel around his waist.
"Just make sure she brings back the damned suit!" he growled.
"The last thing I need is for the Deputy Director or any of the
other A.D.'s to see me like this."

"Yes, sir!" Mulder said, ogling the A.D.'s body up and down
as he sauntered out of the room.  He re-opened the door, and
stuck his head in. "By the way, sir, how much is it worth
to you for me to keep the news of your... condition...
from A.D. Jana Cassidy?"

The file that Skinner threw merely bounced off the closing
door, not even useful in muffling Mulder's humiliatingly
self-satisfied laughter.

------------------------------

Mulder's long legs stretched to their limit as he ran
down the hall to catch up to Scully for a change. She
stepped into the elevator, and he lunged inside, barely
making it. "Okay, Scully, give," he panted. "What the
HELL was that McDonald's coffee moment in Skinner's
office about?"

"He was lying," Scully said, coolly looking up at Mulder.
"He knew exactly who that man was.  He's afraid to tell
the truth.  Remember when you were lost in the Bermuda
Triangle?"

Mulder nodded and gestured for her to continue.

 "Well, he's acting the same way now that he did then
when I asked him to help find you," she said, her eyes
darkening with anger.  "He lied his ass off to me at first
because he had been threatened within an inch of his life
if he ever spoke to either of us again.  The only difference
is that he's far more scared now than he was then."

"Obviously," Mulder snapped, looming over her, "but
that still doesn't explain why you tried to scald his balls
with Sanka. This is my love life you're destroying here.
I assume you had a damned good reason for that."

"Oh stop growling!" Scully said smiling up at him.
"The Sanka didn't do any damage to your toys, and yes,
I had a very good reason for spilling the coffee.
*I* have a plan."

"A plan?" Mulder said cocking his head quizzically.
"Well, c'mon, Scully, don't keep me in suspense!
What is it?"

"WE are going to bug the A.D.'s car!" she said triumphantly.
"We even have the keys, and a perfect excuse to get into it.
If the mystery man shows up at his car, and considering his
penchant for parking garages I think that he will, we'll know
exactly what they're saying to one another."

"Hmmm, it's devious, evil, flouts authority, could save my
sub's ass... and not only that, we get to investigate an XFile."
Mulder grinned broadly.  "I like it!"

"We save OUR sub's ass," Scully said, straightening
Mulder's tie with a sharp tug.

Mulder grabbed Scully's hand. "OUR sub's ass?" he said,
cocking his head.  "The deal was, you'd take care of him if
anything happened to me."

Scully lightly cupped Mulder's balls with her free hand.
"You're absolutely right," she said,  "So, how soon do
you want something to happen to you?"

"Okay, okay," Mulder laughed as he quickly grabbed
her other hand before she could squeeze him. "OUR
sub. Scully you really need to see someone about this
unhealthy testicular fixation of yours."  He raised her
hands over her head, and pressed them to the
elevator wall.

"Spoilsport. You're no fun," Scully whined, trying to
wiggle her way out of his grip, "Oh, c'mon, I'll be good.
I promise."

"Dana 'Shoot First And Let God Sort 'Em Out' Scully
is promising to be good?" he said with mock seriousness,
kissing her on top of her head. "Hmmmm... that story's
too far-fetched even for ol' Spooky Mulder. I think I
should consider handcuffs..."

"Mulder, stop. Seriously," she said, "We need to worry
about who we can talk out of some surveillance equipment
in a hurry.  Someone owes me a favor, so..."

Mulder grinned as he let his partner go, "Don't call in a
favor just for that.  Hell, our cars have probably been
bugged four times each during the time we were in
Skinner's office. Let's just recycle one of those, and grab
whatever Spender's using to listen in, and we're there."

"Fine with me," she said, rubbing her wrists. "I'll take
care of finding and installing the bug and getting the suit
to Skinner, and you can take care of ransacking our old
office for everything else, since you do it twice a day
anyway..."

"What can I say, I just like to nurture my inner Visigoth,"
he said with a shrug.  The elevator doors opened with a
ding, and Mulder chuckled. "Parking garage level...
autos, spy accessories, and men's fashions.  Your floor,
Scully."

She smiled, "Meet you back at our car then?"

Mulder nodded, and waved a rakish goodbye as the
elevator doors shut. He pushed the LL button, and indulged
in a case of the jitters. He would never admit it to Scully,
but this foraging trip had him scared shitless. He'd never
attempted to steal anything more than shredded files
from Spender and Fowley. When the doors opened on
the basement level, he felt an even more powerful adrenaline
rush than he always did, half expecting to find himself
face to face with his intended victims. This time, he found
himself face to face with an empty hallway.

He looked both ways, and walked purposefully to his old
office, wincing as the sound of his footsteps reverberated
throughout the floor. The whole world had to know he was
here. He slowed down, making a marginally more successful
attempt at stealth, but his achingly slow progress began to
make him more and more apprehensive.

He broke out into a sweat wondering if he would ever
get there, and if hidden cameras had been installed in
the basement since he had called it home, and who could
be watching. He had never noticed how long the hallway
was when he worked down here. His luck held though.
No one seemed to be around, when he finally, blessedly,
reached the office. With one furtive, last look around for
potential witnesses, he put his ear against
the door, and listened carefully. Silence... not so much as a
squeaking chair or a paper rustle. He was safe.

He picked the lock effortlessly, and eased through
the door, wanting to hold onto the option of escape
as long as possible in case a nasty surprise was waiting
for him, and shut it. There, right in the open on top of
Spender's desk, he found what he was looking for.
//Beautiful!// He rubbed his hands together, ran to the
desk, and put on the headphones, and switched everything
on. //Better check this out. Spender and Fowley could
actually be working on something important for a change. //
The sound of Scully bitterly cursing as she rummaged around
their car reassured him that his profiling skills were as sharp
as they ever were, and he grinned smugly. He wasn't stealing;
he was liberating it.

He had just gotten everything packed up and ready to
go when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway.
Oh. Shit.  He grabbed the listening devices, and the
recorder, shoving them and himself behind Diana's desk.
//If it's Diana maybe she'll let me off the hook for old time's
sake...// His heart sank as the door shut, and he heard
Spender's voice.

"God, Diana, I've been thinking about this for the last
200 miles."

"Me too, Jeff!  I need you now!"

"On my desk, woman!"

Mulder held his breath, waiting for Spender to start
screaming about his missing surveillance equipment,
but all he heard were smacking sounds, zippers
unzipping, and moans and groans that sounded
more appropriate for root canal without benefit of
anesthesia than for foreplay. Apparently, Spender
was sex-stupid.  Mulder peered around the cabinet,
but could only see Spender's ass pumping away
between Diana's legs.

He would have punched out anyone who suggested
that he could be as happy as he was to see that man's
behind. Since it meant that, as long as Spender kept it
up for a minute or two longer, neither one would probably
notice him if he was quiet enough, Mulder figured that he
could be excused.

As Diana screamed, "Harder, harder, harder!" Mulder
crept out of the office with his ill-gotten gains, carefully
closing the door, only to hear MORE footsteps coming
down the hall... a man's footsteps. Quickly, he shoved
the equipment behind a trashcan, and stood in front of
it, hands in his pocket.

"What are you doing here, Agent Mulder?" A.D. Kersh
boomed. "I thought I made it quite clear that you were
no longer on the XFiles."

"I just came down here to ask Diana a question, and
I've been waiting for them to finish," Mulder said innocently.

Kersh's eyes narrowed. "What question? Finished
with what?"

Before Mulder could answer, Diana screamed, "OH GOD,
I THINK I'M GONNA COME! OHGODOGODOGODOGOD!!"

Kersh's head snapped toward the door, his body rigid with
fury. Grim-faced, he pushed Mulder aside, and started
pounding on the door. "LET ME IN NOW!!!!" he bellowed.

Mulder could hear the two ersatz XFiles agents crashing
into the furniture, and cursing behind the door, and
snickered as he imagined them trying to set a record for
putting their clothes back on, nearly killing themselves
in the process.

The quaking agents finally opened the door a crack.
"Llllet me explain, sir..." Spender stammered timidly
as he peeked out.

"SHUT UP!" Kersh snarled, shoving the door open, and
nearly bowling over his two lovestruck agents. The infuriated
A.D. stormed into their office and slammed the door shut
with a reverberating bang.

Mulder gleefully raised his arms straight up.  //Touchdown!
This is going to be good! Too bad I can't stay.  I better not
push my luck though. Oh well, at least it'll be a long while
before Spender notices anything is missing.// Mulder
grabbed the stashed equipment and ran laughing like
hell for the elevator.

----------------------------


He didn't feel safe, not even in the parking garage, until
he finally reached the car. That took a lot longer than he
would have liked since, not only had Scully re-parked
behind a column close to, but discreetly out of sight of
Skinner's car, the light by that column had burned out.

She motioned vigorously for him to get in. "Where the
hell have you been?"

"It's a long story that I'll tell you about over lunch when
we both have time to savor it," Mulder said smugly,
as he got in on the passenger's side in front. When
she opened her mouth to protest, he said the magic
words. "I'll buy."

She turned around, and stared at him, cocking an
eyebrow. "No greasy spoons or fast food places?"
she said suspiciously.

"Or coffee bars," he added slyly, pleased to see
her struggling to keep a straight face. "I'll go you one
better. How about Bread and Chocolate for lunch, and
Maggiano's or Addie's for dinner?"

"Real restaurants! That must be some story you've got
to tell," she said delightedly, "But I'm warning you, I'm
going hold you to it, Mulder.  Don't tease me where
chocolate is concerned."

Mulder held up his hands in surrender, "Hey, I know
better than to come between you and sugar OR coffee.
Has he shown up yet?"

"Skinner? No," she said. "He's probably waiting for
everyone to leave so he doesn't have to face anybody.
You'd think he'd had to strip for the entire bureau."

"Aww, poor baby. He's just too sexy for his pants,"
Mulder tsk-tsked. "For once, I'm glad that he's so
damned modest around women.  That'll give us time
to get everything ready," he said, "Help me set this shit up."

They busied themselves setting up the equipment,
making sure that they could both share the earphones.

"I hope this works," Scully said. "I would have felt a
lot better about this if we could have made sure that
I installed the bug properly, and set the sound levels.
We really should have called in that favor..."

"Shhh!" Mulder said as he pushed her head down.
"Duck!"

"You better have a DAMNED good reason for pushing
my head into your lap, Mulder!" Scully hissed.

"Be quiet!" Mulder hissed back. "Skinner!"

As he spoke, the sound of footsteps echoed throughout
the parking garage. "Oh calm down!" Scully whispered.
"I took out the light over the car. He couldn't possibly see us."

"We can't be too careful! THAT might be *exactly* what
would draw his attention to us!" Mulder snapped.

"How come you're only paranoid when you shouldn't be?"
Scully said, shaking her head.

"Goddamn it, shut UP! Someone is following him,"
Mulder said as he pushed her face down against his
leg to muffle her voice... and immediately felt her teeth
sinking into the tender flesh of his thigh.  "AGGGGH!
SHHHHHTT," he said with a strangled groan, releasing
his grip on her.

As soon as the sound from the second set of footsteps
stopped, she sat up. "Don't make that mistake again,"
she said ominously.

He rubbed his thigh and pouted for a few seconds, then
motioned for her to press her face close to his so she
could share the earphones that he was holding.  It was
awkward, but they managed, and soon, they heard the
sound of a car door opening, and someone scooting inside.

"Did you hear that?" Mulder said gleefully, "it's working!"

"Shh!" Scully said just a tad spitefully, "I can't hear a
damn thing with you talking."

They listened as, once again, a car door opened.

Skinner's voice crackled through the earphones. "I've
been waiting for you to show up."

"Just remember that I can press the button at any time,"
a familiar voice replied.

"KRYCEK!" Scully and Mulder said.

 "What's this about?" Skinner asked.

"All in good time," Krycek said, getting out of the car.

"Kryeck, wait" Skinner said, "let's discuss this. Surely
we could arrive at a reasonable compromise."

As Skinner negotiated with Krycek to stay, Scully
glanced nervously at her partner, who was turning
several shades of red, and had his hand poised to
open the door. "Don't even think about beating the
answer out of Krycek, Mulder!" she said placing her
hand on his arm.

"I won't stand by and let that son of a bitch hurt him,
Scully," Mulder said grimly, "Let go of my arm."

"NO! Remember, *I* have a plan," she said, gripping
his arm even harder.  "I expected something like this."

They stopped talking when they heard Skinner's voice
grow desperate.

"PLEASE!" he yelled. "What'll it take to get rid of
these damned things?"

They heard the car door slam.

"I love it when you beg, Wally," Krycek said.

"*Don't* call me..." Skinner snarled.

"Look, Wally. Either I call you whatever I want to,"
Krycek laughed, "or you go back to being the world's
surliest laddie pencil. It's your choice."

"Why don't you turn me into an Etch A Sketch this time?"
Skinner growled. "That way the doctors could cure me by
turning me upside down and shaking me."

" If I were you, Wally," Krycek said silkily, "I'd lower my
eyes and ask me nicely for my help."

After a few long seconds of silence, Skinner took a
deep breath. "What do I have to do to get rid of the
nanocytes... please... sir?"

"Good boy, Wally," Krycek sneered. "I should have you
paper trained within the week. Now, strip and put on these."

"Property of A. K! What the fuck is this about?"

"Give me a break, Wally.  Even you should be able to
figure what the collar and manacles are for," Krycek
napped. "Do I need to press a few buttons to help you
think more clearly?"

"No!" Skinner said hastily. "That won't be necessary.sir.
I'm undressing as fast as I can."

Mulder and Scully heard the sounds of rustling clothing,
thumps, and once even a horn honking.

"Damn! I hope no one else is around," Scully said,
wincing as she heard the horn. "That could throw a
crimp into our plans."

"It's pretty deserted. Wish we could have a better view,
though," Mulder said.

"Strange, you didn't think that was necessary before,"
Scully smirked.

"Ha, ha. Very funny," Mulder said in a tone of voice that
let her know he thought that it was anything but. "When
does this 'plan' of yours go into effect?"

"As soon as they're involved, which should be any
moment now. That reminds me, I need my medical bag."
Scully said as she reached in the backseat and pulled
out a black satchel.

Mulder quirked up an eyebrow, but said nothing.

Krycek's voice crackled over the headphones. "VERY
nice, Wally. I'm going to find out if your ass is as tight
as it looks. Out of the car, and into the backseat.
I want you on your stomach."

"B-b-but I'm naked," Skinner spluttered.

"Nothing gets by you, does it, Wally?" Krycek
snickered. "Poor, poor, Wally. Don't worry. I'm not totally
heartless. I found a towel in that pile of laundry you were
carrying. You can wear it until you get back into the car."

"You have GOT to be kidding," Skinner squeaked.

"The towel or nothing, Wally," Krycek said.

"I'll take the towel." Skinner said sullenly.

"What was that, Wally?" Krycek said, "How did you
ask the man who holds your life in his hands for this towel?"

"May I please have the towel... sir?" Skinner said. Mulder
and Scully could visualize him clenching his jaw as he spoke.

They heard two car doors opening, and shuffling,
clanking sounds that seemed to go on forever. Finally,
they heard a flop, and the sound of something dragging
heavily across the seat.

Scully nodded at Mulder, "This is it.  We sneak up, and
take the ratbastard on my signal," she said, "Let's move."

The agents eased their car doors open, and eased them
to, and slinked behind the column. They were directly
behind Krycek, and could hear their two men with no
problem now. They saw him unbuckling his belt, and
Scully nodded her head in Krycek's direction.  Mulder
nodded back, and slowly and silently crept up on the traitor.

Mulder grinned as he saw Krycek tucking a Palm
Pilot inside his jacket. Scully had timed this operation
perfectly. //Scully, I want to bear your children!//

Krycek carefully doubled his belt, and strapped Skinner's
bare butt.

"HEY!" Skinner yelled. "What the hell did I do?"

"Nothing, Wally," Krycek said, "I just felt like strapping
your ass. In fact, I STILL feel like strapping your ass. I
n fact, I can't remember a time when I HAVEN'T felt like
strapping your arrogant ass. Of course, I've really fantasized
more about strapping your ass on your balcony, but I can't
wait.  I'm going to strap your ass a few times here, THEN
I'll strap your ass on your balcony." Krycek began to giggle. "
Jesus, just listen to me. I've said ass so many times that if
I didn't know any better, I'd think that I was you."

Krycek began belting Skinner with all his strength, laughing
joyfully as Skinner grunted with the effort of keeping silent.

"EYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Krycek screamed as
Mulder grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back, and
slammed his head against the car roof.

"EASY, Mulder!" Skinner yelled, "He's the only one who
knows how to cure me!"

Mulder ignored the A.D., and jerked Krycek's twisted arm
far enough up his back to make him scream again. "Well,
well, well Scully," Mulder said, "what have we here?"

"I do believe that it's the little Breck Girl himself," Scully
snickered, holding her gun on the captive.

"Awwww, and would you look at this?" Mulder said,
shoving Krycek's face toward Scully.  "He cut off all
those pretty widdle shoulder length curls he had the
last time we saw him."

"It's your fault, Mulder," Scully said. "He must have
heard you say that you hated him because he was
beautiful."

"Fuck you, bitch!" Krycek spat.

Mulder banged his captive's head against the car,
"What did you say?"

"Nothing," Krycek mumbled.

Mulder banged his head again. "Wrong answer. Apologize
to my partner. NOW."

"If you're going to abuse your prisoner, please shut
the car door so I can't hear it." Skinner said.

Scully leaned into the car and swatted his boss's bare,
welted butt with her hand.

"HEY!" Skinner yelled, outraged.

 "Oops! Sorry sir!" she smirked as she admired the view,
"My hand slipped while I was abusing the prisoner."

Krycek started to laugh, but Mulder banged his head.
"Just remember, *my* hand never slips, asshole."
He looked at Scully and smiled. "So what's next with him?"

"Hmmmm. You know, Mulder," Scully said thoughtfully,
"I think we need some privacy for the next phase of
our plan.  Remember that serial killer body dump we
found last week?"

 "I am so fucked," Krycek groaned.

 "You are so right," Mulder said nodding and
smiling cheesily.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Skinner yelled, "BODY DUMP?
JUST WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?"

"Don't worry," Scully laughed as she patted the
wincing A.D.'s abused butt, "You're in trouble, but
not in *that* much trouble."

"That dumping ground is a helluva place for a first date,
Scully," Mulder said. "I think we ought to pay a visit
to the boys instead."

Scully's eyes narrowed in disapproval,  "I don't think
Byers would appreciate us bringing this vicious ratbastard
to their place. He's very protective of his boys."

"I'll call ahead to ask first, and I'll take the usual
precautions to protect their location," Mulder said.
"C'mon, just think Scully. At their headquarters you'll
have a fully equipped lab at your fingertips, and men
bringing you cups of hot chocolate and marshmallows
whenever you crook your little finger. Frohike knows
what you like."

Scully grinned, "Well, since you put it *that* way,
what are we waiting for?"

"For me to get out of these manacles and into my
clothes?" Skinner said hopefully as he looked over
his shoulder.

Skinner's face fell as his two agents scowled at that
suggestion. He gave his best approximation of Mulder's
puppy dog look, and held his breath.

Both agents started to fidget after just a few seconds
of that pitiful look, but Mulder was the first to break
eye contact. He cleared his throat, looked at Scully
and raised an eyebrow.  Scully shrugged her shoulders
and nodded.

"Hmph. We *could* use something more substantial than
handcuffs to chain up Ratboy," Mulder said grudgingly.

They found the key to the manacles in Krycek's jacket,
and freed Skinner. While Skinner was getting dressed,
Mulder forced Krycek to take off his jacket at gunpoint
after which Scully shackled the furious triple agent.

Mulder put on the leather jacket and twirled around.
"Whaddya think Scully?"

"I think I know how you can afford all those expensive
clothes on a GS-13 salary," Scully said.

"You said it!" Krycek said bitterly. "He's *always*
stealing my clothes."

"Well if you *didn't* want me to steal your clothes, you
should have gone back to wearing suits," Mulder snapped.
"I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those tacky suits of
yours. Where did you get those from anyway? Sears?"

Krycek blushed.

"Oh shit! You DID get them from Sears!" Mulder cracked up
as he shoved the red-faced man into the backseat of the car,
and against an extra surly Skinner.

"Thank you Special Agent Kenneth Blackwell," Krycek
said sourly.

"Mulder, I think it's time that you properly accessorized
our guest," Scully said, handing him a black silk scarf.

"With pleasure," Mulder said as he tied the scarf around
Krycek's eyes.

Scully got into the driver's seat, turned around, and stuck
out her hand to Skinner. "Hand me the keys," she said.

"But it's my car!" Skinner said.

"So it is," Scully said coolly. "Hand me the keys."

Skinner glared at her, but resentfully slapped the keys
into her hand.

"I'm adding five more for that, sir," she said as she closed
her fingers over the keys.

"Five more what?" Skinner said, looking at her in confusion.
He turned to her partner, "Mulder, would you care to explain?"

"I don't think you really want me to until we're alone, sir,"
Mulder snickered.

"Good call. I wouldn't be skeptical about Mulder's
theory, if I were you, sir," Scully laughed.  She backed
out of the parking space, and sped out of the garage
as fast as she dared.

"It's times like these that I really wonder why I keep
coming back from the dead," Skinner mumbled, as
they sped toward the Lone Gunman Headquarters.

------------------------------


Lone Gunman Headquarters
11:30 PM

Mulder pounded on the door. "HEY! MOVE YOUR LAZY
ASSES! OPEN UP!"

They heard the sound of latches being thrown, and
locks turning. "DUDE! CHILL!" Langley said, "I'm opening
the door as fast as I can."

"Hi Langley," Mulder said, brushing past him and dragging
Krycek along, "Mind if we come in?"

Langley snorted, and held the door open for Scully and
Skinner who studiously avoided looking at his face.
This only made matters worse.

Mulder and Scully exchanged an amused look upon
seeing the Lara Crofts T-shirt and boxer shorts that
the blond haired geek was wearing.  The similarity
between the overly buxom action heroine's hairstyle
and Langley's was startling.

Skinner took one disdainful look at Langley's legs and
muttered "Must be riding a chicken," as he walked past.

Langley cupped his ass and said, "Got something better
for me to ride, dude?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Skinner said,
as he walked as fast as dignity permitted to stand in the
corner. From his logistically sound position in the corner,
butt safetywise, he glared at Langley.

Langley shrugged his shoulders and snickered.  "At least
you know where bad boys belong, dude."

Skinner worked his jaw from side to side, looking
mostly cold and menacing until he caught sight of Frohike's
outfit. The A.D.'s uncontrollably twitching lips totally ruined
the effect of impending doom that he had achieved.

Frohike's outfit wasn't making it any easier for the other
agents to keep a straight face either. Frohike had a very
poorly rendered 3D Japanese Anime babe on his T-shirt that
made it appear as though he had huge breasts.  Huge
SAGGY breasts.with a teeny tiny woman's head stuck
between them.

"You didn't tell me that you were bringing the lovely Agent
Scully," Frohike said with a leer as he smoothed his hair,
"and the equally lovely A.D. Skinner."

Both Scully and Skinner rolled their eyes and snorted.

"Mmpph," Scully said, her hand covering her mouth.

"Christ Almighty," Skinner said.

"Behave yourself, Frohike," Mulder said as he hauled
Krycek over and pushed him into a chair. "We don't
have time for that romantic shit. We have a serious
problem here, and we need your help."  In spite of the
seriousness of his words, Mulder kept staring first at
Langley's underwear then Frohike's and struggling to
stifle his giggles.

Langley and Frohike were just as entertained by Krycek's
manacles and blindfold as the agents were by the geek
lingerie show.

"When do we get to open our gift, Mulder?" Langley said,
caressing the prisoner's face.

"Keep your fuckin' hands off of me!" Krycek snarled, jumping
out the chair and startling Langley.

Mulder slammed Krycek back in the chair, and backhanded
him. "Mind your manners!"

"PLEASE keep your fuckin' hands off of me," Krycek said,
curling his lip.

Mulder backhanded him again, making him yelp.

"Mulder, that looks like fun!" Scully said, "Could I try it?"

"Sure! C'mere, Slugger," Mulder said with a grin.

She ran over excitedly, sat her black bag on the table,
and slapped Krycek hard, but he didn't move or make a
sound.  Puzzled, Scully looked up at Mulder. "What did I
do wrong?" she said.

"Here, let me help you," Mulder said as he got behind her,
nuzzled her, and wrapped his left arm around her waist.
"It's all in the swing and where you land the slap. Keep your
hand stiff, and I'll show you what I mean." His other hand held
her right wrist, drew her arm back, and made her slap Krycek
with enough force to knock the helpless man's head back.

"OWWWWW!" Krycek yelled.

"Oooooh, thanks Mulder," Scully said with a shiver as she
looked up to him. "You know this is really..."

"Romantic?" Mulder laughed, and kissed her ear.

"Yeah," Scully said with a contented sigh as she relaxed
against him.

"I am so fucked," Krycek moaned.

"You are soooo right," Scully said smiling and nodding
cheesily.

Byers stalked into the room wearing nothing but an Star
Trek Enterprise towel, "Boys, the massage oil is getting
cold, damn it! When I say I want a massage now, I mean
I want a..." Byers stopped and stared at the manacled and
blindfolded Krycek, then at the black bag, then at Mulder
and Scully. "Who is he, why is he here, why is he trussed
up like a bondage queen, and what's in that bag?"
he said suspiciously.

Mulder and Scully quickly separated and went back into
professional FBI agent mode.

"Didn't Frohike tell you?"  Mulder asked, genuinely puzzled.

"FROHIKE!" Byers bellowed. "EXPLAIN!"

Frohike nervously ran his fingers through his hair, "Uhm,
well.I uh..." he squeaked.

"Frohike, sweetie" Scully purred, "I'll explain everything to
your top.  Run along now, and get everyone a nice cup of
hot chocolate with marshmallows, okay?

"Yes ma'am, thank you, ma'am, I'll do that," Frohike said
gratefully. "Isn't she hot?" he said to Mulder.

"Don't make me regret my generosity!" she laughed.

"You won't, I promise. I'm putting milk chocolate shavings
on yours," Frohike said.

"Good boy, bribery always works with me," she said,
beaming at him fondly as he ran to do her bidding.

"Ahem, I'm waaaaaaayting," Byers said sternly, tapping
his foot.

"Meet Alex Krycek," Mulder said, giving Krycek a hateful
punch. "This worthless piece of shit infected Walter's blood
with nanotechnology. Thanks to him, poor Walter damn near
had both arms amputated, and actually died once on the
operating table."

"Nanotechnology! That's some heavy shit," Langley said.
"Totally cutting edge."

Byers let out a low whistle, "Not to mention totally
unpredictable!  Even under the best of circumstances, Krycek
couldn't be sure that he could control the nanocytes.
Their programming could evolve out of his control, and they
could start multiplying, and he wouldn't be able to stop them."

"Which is where you come in," Scully said firmly.  "Mulder
show him what we found."

Mulder pulled the Palm Pilot out of his purloined jacket.
"We think he controls the nanocytes with this. With all of
you working on hacking into the program..."

Byers laughed, "Look, we're good, but I have to be honest
with you. Walter could be dead by the time we hack into
the program, and if we did manage to hack into it..."

"Don't worry, Byers," Scully said confidently.  "I know
just how to cut down your research time. Krycek is going
to help us."

Krycek snorted, "Not likely."

"How?" everyone else said in unison.

"Clear this table off, and get two chairs, Langley,"
Scully said.

Langley looked at Byers, and Byers nodded. Langley
complied, and everyone looked expectantly at Scully.

Scully crooked her finger at Skinner. "Okay, sir, take
your seat."

Skinner eyes widened in surprise. "Me? Agent Scully
what exactly do you have in mind?"

She smiled at him, and patted the seat of the chair.

After a moment's hesitation, Skinner reluctantly stepped
out of the corner, and walked toward the chair, and
screamed "SHIIIIIITTTTT!!!" as he was baptized by 7 cups
of hot chocolate with marshmallows.  Frantically, he ripped
his shirt and pants off as fast as he could to get the boiling
hot liquid off his skin.

"Jesus, I'm so sorry, big guy," Frohike stammered as helped
Skinner tear off his hot chocolate soaked shirt and pants.
"I didn't see you. I was carrying the tray, and I couldn't see!
Are you okay?"

Skinner ignored him. He was desperately trying to get the
wipe up all traces of hot chocolate and marshmallows off of
his nude body with his jacket.

Langley ran off and came back with paper towels to sop
up the mess, and a cold, wet dishtowel to soothe Skinner's
burned flesh.

"AHHHH!" he said as Langley laid the cold towel on his flat,
muscled stomach.

Seeing Byers furiously glare at Frohike, Scully laid her hand
on Byers' arm, contritely looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry, but
don't blame this mess on Frohike and Skinner. It's my fault, and
I promise that I'll make it up to everyone."

Byers nodded grudgingly, "Next time you're here, you're Princess
Leia, and we're Jabba the Hut."

She pursed her lips, and said. "I'll pose in Princess Leia's outfit for
you, and you can take pictures, but that's it."

Byers grinned. "It's a deal," he said, shaking her hand.

"Frohike, finish cleaning up, and bring more hot chocolate,"
Scully said authoritatively, "Sir, over here."

"Yes ma'am," Frohike said, and did as bidden.

"But I'm naked!" Skinner sputtered.

 "Great minds think alike, eh Scully?" Krycek said,
howling with laughter. "C'mon, Mulder, take off my
blindfold. I wanna see."

Mulder punched Krycek halfheartedly, and said, "Scully,
don't you have any ointment or anything for the poor guy?
You remember our conversation in the elevator don't you?"

"I'll take care of your toys," Scully said. "Byers, do you
have a pair of old sweats that Skinner could borrow?"

Skinner looked at each of his agents. "Toys?" he said,
raising both eyebrows. They smiled sweetly at him.
He groaned.

"Are you kidding, Scully? None of us have shoulders
like that. We don't have anything he could wear," Byers
said thoughtfully, "but he could wrap up in my Xena
Warrior Princess beach towel. It'd be better than nothing
at all."

"Oh YEAH," Frohike said, looking up from his cleaning.
"It's nice and big, and it's hot, just like the big guy! I'll go
get it for him, and then I'll bring more chocolate." Frohike
went into Byers' room, found the towel, came back, and
gave it to Skinner.

Skinner sighed melodramatically, and got a sad, faraway
look in his eyes as he knotted the towel around his waist.
"Back in the good old days," he said nostalgically, "I know
it's hard to believe, but I used to wear clothes every single day,
all day long.  My shirts were always fluorescent white, and
everyone feared me so much that they never attempted to
parboil my ass in caffeinated beverages."  He looked down
at the towel and grimaced. Xena's face was staring up at him
balefully. "I don't like you either," he snarled at the towel's image.

Her lips twitching, Scully cleared her throat, and patted the
chair again.  She broke down and giggled as Skinner looked
both ways with exaggerated carefulness, walked across the
room to the chair, and hurriedly sat down.

"I'm going to check you for burns now," Scully said. She
narrowed her eyes as she saw the large, angry splotch
on his stomach. "Well, I know you're hurting, but thankfully,
it's nothing serious," she said soothingly. She took a tube
of ointment out of her bag, and put some on her fingers and
with feather light touches smoothed it into the splotch.

He hissed as she touched it, and blushed as she lifted the
towel to continue her inspection.

She looked him over carefully to the sound of numerous
whistles and catcalls, "Ignore those assholes, sir," she
said giving the unrepentant, smirking, sinners a laser
beam stare. "I shouldn't even have to have you do this,
but would you make everyone turn around, Mulder?"

"Okay, you heard her. The show's over," Mulder said,
"Give the man some privacy. Turn your heads."

Everybody grumbled, but did as they were told.

  "You're lucky," she said, as she daubed some ointment
onto a blotch about 3 inches in diameter on his right inner
thigh. "There's just this place here. It could have been
embarrassing if it had splashed two inches higher
and to the left."

"And this ISN'T?" Skinner growled, snatching the towel
out of her hands, and smoothing it back over his legs.

"Could be worse. The Deputy Director could be here.
Stand up and turn around," she ordered. He obeyed,
and she continued her inspection, and once again lifted
the towel, frowning as she saw the welts. "Looks like you
got a burn on top of your welts."

"Agent Scully," Skinner said tightly as he tried to lower
the towel back over his butt, "Thank you for your concern,
but I don't think this merits your professional attention."

Scully slapped him on the hand, and he released his grip
on the towel.  "DOCTOR Scully to you right now," she
said sternly. "For the record, you aren't qualified to
decide what merits my professional attention in these
matters. Hold still."  She daubed ointment on his firm,
red, well rounded ass, and pulled the towel back over it.

"Are we done yet, Agent Scully?" he said gritting
his teeth.

"No, sit down. This won't take long, though, sir," she
said patting him on the back. As he sat down, she went
to the black bag, and pulled out a syringe, cotton balls,
alcohol, latex gloves, and a rubber hose. "Stick out your
arm, and make a fist," she said as she snapped on
the latex.

As soon as he saw the syringe, he yanked his arm
away and stood up. "We're done!" Skinner said.
"I'm hailing a cab."

Mulder chuckled. "Let me get this straight. You're
going to hail a cab, and your entire outfit consists
of a Xena Warrior Princess towel? Unless Xena's
carrying cash or traveler's checks, I don't think so."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Krycek laughed with
impunity while everyone was distracted, "And you
laughed at my polyester suit from Sears!"

Red-faced and shaking, Skinner counted to ten, and
held out his hand. "I need my wallet, Mulder,"
he snarled. "NOW."

"You need something else even more, sir," Mulder
said, ominously slapping the side of his leg.

Sullenly, Skinner sat back down, and stuck out his
arm. "Weren't the burns and the belting enough
humiliation?" he muttered.

Scully patted his hand and smiled sympathetically,
"I wish I could do this some other way, but it'll only
be a little stick, and it's going to save your life."

Skinner took a deep sigh and rubbed the bridge of his
nose with his thumb and index finger. "It's been a lousy
three weeks. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

She squeezed his hand. "Don't worry about it."  She
turned to Mulder, and said, "Take off Krycek's blindfold.
I want him to see this."

Everyone stared at her, but Scully explained nothing.

As soon as Krycek's blindfold was off, he fixed her
with a narrowed-eyed stare.

"Pay attention, Ratboy" she said as she prepared
Skinner's arm, and drew blood in the syringe.
"There will be a test afterwards."

"So are you going to experiment with it to find a
cure?" Skinner said, watching his blood go
into the syringe.

"Nope, I'm going to commit a felony with it, sir,"
Scully said. "Don't watch."

"Oh crap, I should have known Mulder would have this
effect on you sooner or later," Skinner said, covering his eyes.

She held the syringe in front of a bug-eyed Krycek. "See
this, you son of a bitch? This is infected blood. You saw
me draw it out of Skinner's arm, so you know I'm not
bullshitting you. You have ten seconds to give me the
cure before it becomes a personal matter for you."

Krycek backed away as far as he could, almost toppling
over backwards in his chair.

Scully smiled evilly. "Have I ever mentioned how
glad I am you wore a T-shirt under your leather
jacket today?" she said. Holding the syringe like a
killer holding a butcher knife, she stabbed it into
Krycek's good arm, and slammed down the plunger.

"YOU BITCH!" Krycek screamed as he watched
the contaminated blood surge into his body.

"Did I hear you call my Scully a bad name?" Mulder
said thumping him on the head.

"I take it back, I take it back! Now, could I *please*
have some aspirin, Mulder? At least let me die without
a headache," Krycek whined.

"NO! Whatever happens to Skinner happens to you
too now, Ratboy," she said gleefully.

"GREAT! I'll make the Sanka and the hot chocolate,
and get the towels," Skinner said eagerly.

"I'LL BRING THE BELT," Byers and Langley said as
they turned around to leer.

"Oh fuck," Krycek said miserably.

"If that doesn't scare you, try to imagine just how
much pain one woman with a medical degree and a
needle can cause," Mulder said grinning evilly.

"I don't know the whole cure," Krycek said even more
miserably. "When I hacked into the Consortium
system, I only got half of that program."

Mulder pulled Krycek up by a fistful of his T-shirt.
"DON'T LIE TO ME!"

"I'M NOT!" he screamed. "IF HE DIES, I DIE!

I'D TELL YOU IF I KNEW!"

Byers put his hand on Mulder's shoulder. "Don't despair.
When Krycek gives us his lower level access code, we'll
be able to hack the higher access codes and get the rest
of the program, especially if you let us call in some help.
The guy's a real hardass, but he's good."

Mulder let go of Krycek, turned around, and clapped
Byers on the shoulder. "Do whatever you have to do.
Just save Walter."

Byers nodded.

"Okay, dude," Langley said, flopping down on the floor
in front of Krycek. "Tell us what you know..."

"Don't think I'll forget this," Krycek spat out.

"I certainly *hope* that you don't forget that we saved
your life," Byers said coolly. "Now unless you'd prefer
Mulder to ask the questions, apologize and
answer Langley."

"I'm sorry, Langley," Krycek said, grimacing.

"S'alright, dude. What's the story on this system?"
Langley said.

Ignoring everyone else in the room, both of them
started talking animatedly, Krycek still looking
as if he couldn't believe how distasteful his position was.

Mulder laughed. "Would you look at Krycek? I haven't seen a face like that
since your cat fell into the toilet, Byers."

Byers shrugged his shoulders. "Well, at least we have a working relationship
with him now, and though he may not look like it, Langley's thorough."

"Hot chocolate for everyone," Frohike crowed.

"No thanks," Skinner said hastily

"C'mon be brave. I've made some extra special adult
hot chocolate just for you, big guy," Frohike laughed.

Skinner scowled, but Frohike kept staring at him in
anticipation. The A.D. gave in, sighing dramatically,
and took a swig from the cup. A delighted smile
spread over his face. "Scotch Chocolate! Thanks!"
he said.  He toasted Frohike, and drank it down.

"Any time, big guy," Frohike said smugly.

He delivered the other cups of hot chocolate, leaving
the most decadent cup by the equally delighted Agent
Scully. Whipped cream, marshmallows, chocolate shavings
and a cherry topped her cup.  She gave Frohike a big hug
and a kiss on the cheek that made him grin from ear to ear.

"Well, we know who YOUR favorites are now, Frohike"
Mulder said fondly. "I admire your good taste, though."

"And I envy your good fortune," Frohike sighed.
"Don't bother to deny it either. We're not blind and stupid."

Mulder was as laconic as ever, but Skinner and Scully
looked in surprised at each other at his words.

"I'll be damned," Byers said. "You win the pool, Frohike."

Frohike grinned, and walked over to Langley and Krycek.

"The pool?" Mulder said raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I bet that you were fucking Scully, and Langley
bet Skinner, and Frohike bet both. He won," Byers said
sheepishly.

"Now that we have the truly *important* matters out of the
way, I *do* hope that you could see your way clear to help
me save Walter's life," Mulder said wryly.

Byers grinned. "Sure, no problem, Mulder, even if you did cost
me a hundred bucks."

"Good," Mulder said, his eyes glinting with mischief. "You're
a great guy, almost as great as Frohike, who is going to
celebrate being $200 richer by buying Scully and Skinner
and me lunch since we're the ones responsible for his
good fortune.  Isn't that right, Handsome?"

"Fuck you, punkass," Frohike said cheerfully.

"GNARLY FUCKIN' SHIT!" Langley yelled at his
computer screen.

Krycek looked at Mulder, his eyes bulging out. "It's not
my fault! I didn't do anything, I swear!"

Mulder curled his lip in disgust, clenched his fist, and
walked over to Krycek. "Sure it is, Ratboy!  You did it
all. This whole fuckin' mess is your fault. You..."

Scully interrupted, "Hold that thought, Mulder. Now,
what's the gnarly fuckin' shit, Langley?"

"According to the researcher's notes, we need TWO
programs to infect the nanocytes," Langley said, slapping
his computer monitor in frustration. "I got all of one, but
I can't hack the second. I've run every firewall-breaking
program we have too, goddamn it! Sorry, Byers, my man,
you'll need to call your top in on this one."

"How about Frohike?" Byers said fearfully. "Let him try."

"Byers, I took a look at what he did," Frohike said placatingly.
"He's done everything that I would have done."

"Sit down at the keyboard and try it anyway." Byers said,
desperation rising in his voice. "Sometimes you can get
ideas as you type."

"Suit yourself, dude," Langley shrugged, "but I'm telling
you, we need an insider. Our Kung Fu is pretty good,
and either one of us could hack into this system given
enough time, but we don't have the time.  We gotta call
your top.  Sure it'll piss him off to leave the Star Trek
convention early, but with his contacts at the Consortium,
he could get us the answer like that," he said snapping
his fingers.

Krycek's eyes widened in horror. "Oh shit! Your top isn't
the guy who always wears the Lt. Reg Barkley and Dr.
Beverly Crusher Forever T-shirts, is he?"

Byers nodded miserably.

"We won't be able to sit down for WEEKS!" Krycek
and Byers groaned.

"Cheer up, Byers," Mulder laughed. "With Pantene
Boy's butt to abuse, he won't even know your ass
exists. Call him, even if he is insane."

"What do you mean?" Byers asked.

"Everyone knows that Riker, Worf, and Troi are
sleeping together, and that Picard, Crusher, and
Data are sleeping together!" Mulder said scornfully.

"Bullshit!" Byers snapped. "Everyone knows that
Crusher and Troi are sleeping together, and that
Picard is sleeping with Commander Riker and Worf,
and Data is sleeping with everyone."

"You can jump in and help me any time, Scully"
Mulder said accusingly.

"Sorry, Mulder," she smirked. "Everybody knows that
Picard, Riker, and Crusher are sleeping together, but
Crusher has a thing going with Ensign Ro Laren on
the side."

Mulder's eyes narrowed. "So, Scully, what *did* you
mean when you said that you and Holly ate out last night?"

Scully blushed. "Never mind that now. We need to
save Walter."

"Hate to interrupt the great conversation dudes," Langley
said  "but your top is on his way, Byers.  We really need
to suck up to him. He was third in line for Gates
McFadden's autograph. She was wearing a rubber
dress too, dude."

Byers ran his fingers through his hair, panicking. "Damn,
we need to roll out the red carpet, and FAST!
Langley, order five pizza supremes."

"Check," Langley said, as he loped off to the telephone.

"Frohike," Byers said, "make a pitcher of Tang, and
DON'T spike it this time! Make sure we have plenty of
Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and the stuff for hot chocolate,
and go to the store if we're out. Oh, and while you're at it,
buy plenty of chocolate-cherry Moon Pies, Cheese Whiz,
bean dip, Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos... Oh hell, just buy one
of everything that ends in "itos".

"Check, boss man," Frohike said as he went to the kitchen.

"I'll get the bedrooms ready.  Langley, you help me
after you're through ordering."

"Checkerino again, boss," Langley said.

"Mulder you and Skinner wash the dishes, and Skinner
DON'T even think about drying them with the towel your
wearing," Byers added firmly.

"Yes *sir*," Skinner said sarcastically. "I promise I
won't use my dick for a cup hook either."

Byers glared furiously at Mulder.

Mulder laughed, "Oh don't be so goddamn prissy,
Byers. I can't believe you're still upset about that. I
was drunk when I did it, and you were the one who
took the pictures."  He nodded at Walter. "Get to work,
gorgeous. I'll bring in the cups in just a second."

Byers glared at Mulder.

"In my hands, Byers, in my hands, don't worry," Mulder
added with a smirk.


"FROHIKE took the pictures, Mulder, and neither one
of you bothered to tell me about what your photo shoot
was about until I had had my first cup of coffee. You could
have at LEAST rinsed out the cup!" Byers said.

"Byers, I volunteer to sweep up," Scully said quickly.
"Why don't you think of something for Ratboy to do?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, thanks Scully," Byers said, "Put a
dustcloth in Krycek's mouth and let him do the dusting.
Krycek, if I see one speck of dirt, I know a little ratbastard
who will be standing up for a week. MULDER!  Don't you
DARE throw dirt on the floor to get him in trouble!"

Mulder looked at Byers with an innocent expression
on his face "What? I didn't say that, did I?"

"You were thinking it," Byers said angrily.

"Busted," Mulder said raising his hands in
mock surrender. "I'll be good."

Gratefully, Krycek fluttered his long black eyelashes
at Byers, looking as if he would swoon at any moment.
He would have looked far more seductive without the
dustcloth Scully had just placed in his mouth, of course,
but Byers was flattered nonetheless.

They all set about their appointed tasks, and at Byers
insistence, freshened up.  The Lone Gunmen Headquarters
and its occupants were absolutely immaculate within an hour.
This gave them a few moments to pace nervously while they
waited for Byers' top to arrive.

"Oh shit!" Byers said wringing his hands, "I hope he wasn't
too pissed off."

"Me too," Frohike said sympathetically.

"Yeah, dude," Langley said tossing his hair whatever you
get, we'll get ten times worse because we're the subs."

"Well, I'm the sub's sub," Krycek whined. "That means
that I'll..."

"... Get exactly what you deserve," Mulder finished.


Skinner shifted very uncomfortably upon hearing THAT.
"Well, I've got to be at work bright and early tomorrow,
so my agents and I will be going," he said getting up.

"Sit down!" Byers said irritably. "Tomorrow's Saturday,
and even Mulder will concede that this is all about you.
Besides, maybe seeing you in the towel will put my top
in a good mood."


"Why don't we make Krycek wear a towel too?" Scully
said with a leer. "I'm sure two men in a towel will be
even better."

"Good thinking, Scully," Byers said gratefully. "Frohike,
go get another towel. Scully, you and Mulder handle
undressing him. Maybe my top will be in such a good
mood that he'll settle for paddling one butt instead whipping
every one in reach."

"Please! Don't turn me over to him." Krycek said, fluttering his
eyelashes so hard at Byers that Mulder was afraid that the
traitor would take to the skies.

"I can't WAIT to see this guy," Mulder said as he and
Scully unlocked his leg irons and pulled off his jeans,
and socks and shoes. "He must be one tough customer."

"Mulder, I'd rather face an army of alien bounty hunters
than this guy," Krycek said wide-eyed and shaking.

"Oh gross," Scully said, wrinkling her nose. "No
underwear. I'd hate to do your laundry, Ratboy."

"Walter, come over here," Mulder said. "If he tries to
get away while we unlock him and undress him, punch
him as hard as you can, and count every punch. I mean
it! I'm going to give him two punches for every one
of yours."

"Yes, sir, Mulder, sir!" Skinner said, grinning ferally
at Krycek.  "I'll practice counting: 2, 4, 6, 8, 27..."

Krycek smiled meekly, and submitted without a
struggle to his T-shirt being pulled off, and being
re-chained.

"I found the custom painted Beverly Crusher towel
that Langley did," Frohike said proudly. "Your top should
like the gift wrapping just as much as his gift."

Frohike wrapped the towel around Krycek's waist, as
Mulder ridiculed him. Frohike had just finished knotting
the towel so that Dr. Crusher's face was in front, when
they all heard a hellaciously loud knock at the door.
The Gunmen listened intently and counted the knocks.

Byers, Langley, Frohike, and Krycek turned a
sickly pale color.

Byers gulped, "He's here. Let him in."

Frohike and Langley ran to the door, and undid the
door locks. The door slammed open, revealing the
man that Byers, Frohike, Langley, and Krycek had
so dreaded seeing.

Mulder, Scully and Skinner stared in amazement.
"AGENT PENDRELL?" they said.

---------------------------



"Byers! Pizza, Cheetos, Cheez Whiz, Ding Dongs, Tang,
NOW!" Pendrell barked.

"Yes sir," Byers said. "Frohike! Langley! You heard
the man! Do it!"

"Yes sir," Frohike and Langley said, and scrambled to
the kitchen, practically sliding on the waxed floor.
Sounds of clinking, clattering dishes, slamming cabinet
and refrigerator doors, and "Watch it, Doohickey," and
"Fuck you, Goldilocks" filled the air.  Pendrell was
determined to spend the time waiting glowering at Byers,
who was looking smaller by the moment.

"FROHIKE ARE YOU AND LANGLEY HAVING
TO GROW THE GODDAMN CRYSTALS FOR THE
TANG YOURSELVES?  MOVE IT!" Byers yelled.

"WE'RE ON OUR WAY, MY SURLY SIR,"
Frohike yelled back.

They quickly wheeled out the feast. "Everything is
freshly chilled just the way you like it, dude, uh sir,"
Langley said.

"Yeah, and the Tang is double strength, and we got
Ding Dongs AND Moon Pies," Frohike said. "Nothing
but the best for you, sir!"

Pendrell walked over to the groaning food carts,
giving each item a narrowed-eyed stare. He picked up
a chilled glass of double strength Tang, and a
piece of gelid, greasy pizza.

Everyone inhaled sharply as Pendrell swirled the
Tang in its glass and breathed in the fragrance of
the garishly orange drink. He sipped the drink,
and swished it around in his mouth, and followed
that with a bite of pizza. His eyes took on a
faraway look, as he considered the merits of each.
He swallowed, and looked at each member of his
breathless audience, and then, and only then, he nodded.

A collective sigh filled the room as everyone exhaled.

Pendrell stretched out his hand, and without looking,
said, "Cheez Whiz."

Frohike slapped it into his hand, waiting for his next orders.

 Pendrell didn't spare Frohike a backward glance.
"Yo, Byers, here!" Pendrell said, pointing at the spot
where he wanted him to stand.

Nervously, Byers walked over to his top, and cringed
in front of him, eyes downcast.

Pendrell squirted the Cheez Whiz all over Byers' mouth.
The Ubergeek dragged Byers over to the wall threw him
against it, sucking, licking, and kissing the Cheez Whiz
off his mouth and beard until Byers' knees gave out. He
watched his whimpering sub slide down the wall, and
crouched over him. "I want to know why I was dragged
away from Gates McFadden just when I was about to
get a kiss and an autograph. For your sake, you better
have a damned good reason!" Pendrell said menacingly
as he viciously pinched and twisted Byers' nipple.

Byers screamed, incapable of answering, while Pendrell
continued twisting, and applied the nipple clamps.

"Oooh, he's using official Star Trek communicator
badges as nipple clamps: that's gotta hurt," Mulder
said, wincing.

"This can't be the same, sweet Agent Danny Pendrell
that I knew," Scully said, her blue eyes wide with shock.
"No WONDER Byers was so afraid of him."

"You wouldn't be getting a little nervous about the fate
of your own nipples, now would you, Dr. Crusher?"
Mulder leered.

Scully shot Mulder an evil glare. "Don't start that nervous
Dr. Crusher shit with ME, asshole.  I can take on Pendrell,
or any other man in this room, for that matter.  The one you
have to worry about is Captain Picard," she said, nodding her
head in Skinner's direction.

"Ulp, you aren't going to, ah, give me away if he asks
for me, are you?" Skinner said nervously, staring pleadingly
first at Scully, then at Mulder.

Mulder grabbed the knot on Skinner's towel, and pulled
him into a hug, "Don't worry about Pendrell, Walter,"
Mulder said soothingly as he held him tight.  "Your ass is
safe from everyone but Scully and me."

Skinner moaned, resting his cheek on Mulder's shoulder.
"I'm doomed."

Scully chuckled and gently patted Skinner's ass. "You'll
live through us. Don't worry, Walter. We'll distract Pendrell
from you. Look, there's the perfect distraction right there!"

Mulder and Skinner looked in the direction that Scully
was pointing to see Krycek hopping and rattling toward
the door as best he could in his chains.

"PENDRELL! THERE'S THE MAN RESPONSIBLE
FOR RUINING YOUR EVENING WITH GATES
MCFADDEN," Mulder and Scully shouted.

Pendrell looked up from Byers who smiled gratefully
at them.  Pendrell looked like a bull on crack that
had just cornered the matador who'd been sticking
swords in him for the last two hours.

"STAY BACK!" Krycek screamed frantically.
"I'M ARMED!"

To his chagrin, everybody had a good hearty laugh
at his expense over this.

"Go ahead, laugh," Krycek snarled, "but the weapon
I have in my prosthetic will make mincemeat out of
every single one of you."  With that, Krycek banged
his prosthetic arm against the door, and up like a
switchblade, popped the dreaded weapon.

Mulder howled with laughter. "A pop bottle opener! You
fucking have a pop bottle opener in your prosthetic?
What are you trying to do, make us laugh so hard that
we'll be too helpless to chase after you?"

Krycek blushed. "Oh shit. This morning, I must have
grabbed the Swiss Army prosthetic I use for
camping by mistake."

Langley walked over and popped the top off of his
Chocolate Soldier with the prosthetic's bottle opener.
"Thanks dude," he said, saluting Krycek with the nerdy
beverage before he sauntered off.

While everyone else was laughing hysterically,
Pendrell bellowed, and charged Krycek. Krycek
hopped as fast as he could, but he lost the battle when
he tripped, and fell face downward on a table.

"How thoughtful of you to assume the position, Ratboy,"
Pendrell said, laughing as he removed his Mr. Spock belt.

Krycek whimpered pitifully, "I didn't do anything, I
swear! It was all these..."

"SHUT UP!" Pendrell roared. Turning toward everyone
else in the room, he said, "I'll take first crack at him,
then everyone else can spank him while I find out
what's going on. Get ready!"

Everyone scrambled around for whatever spanking
implements that they could find. Soon, they were
standing in line behind the masterful ubergeek, holding
variously a fly swatter, a hair brush, a golf club, a Sword of
Wounding, a banjo, and an Official Luke Skywalker
Light Saber.

Pendrell raised Krycek's towel, and began smacking
his little butt, ignoring Ratboy's agonized cries for mercy.

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"CHRIST! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I JUST WANTED
TO BE A TOP FOR A CHANGE!  THIS IS THE ONLY
WAY I COULD!" Krycek yelled.

 "That's for the autograph!" Pendrell said impassively.

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"OOOWWWW! OUCH! FUCK! DAMN! SHIT!" Krycek
said, "I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU HONEST!  IT WAS
JUST A LITTLE JOKE!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! I CCCAN'T TTTAKE
ANY MORE!!!" Krycek said with a quavering voice.
"PLEASE!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"That's for the kiss," Pendrell said, unmoved as he watched
Krycek's face screw up with the effort of trying not to burst
in to tears. "What else did he do?"

"He infected and tortured our sub with nanocytes,"
Mulder said ominously, as he brandished the light
saber.  "Damn near killed him."

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY NANOCYTES
AFTER I TOLD YOU THAT THEY WERE A FAILURE!?!"
Pendrell roared. "YOU'LL NEVER SIT DOWN AGAIN!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"GGGGGGGOD! HAVE MERCY!!!" Krycek screamed.
"I WWWWWWWON'T DO IT AGAIN! I SSSSSSWEAR!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

Krycek began to bawl uninhibitedly, as if his heart were
breaking, unable to talk for the rest of the spanking. His
tears flowed freely, making his dark lashes even darker.
Pendrell gave him two more strokes just to drive home
his point.

Skinner smiled with grim pleasure as he looked at
Krycek's round, red, swollen little butt.   Ratboy was
crying so uncontrollably that Langley and Frohike
dropped out of line. The others were cheerfully unsympathetic.
Mulder and Scully smirked, and Skinner and Byers
looked like the poster children for evil delight.

Pendrell stopped, looked Skinner up and down, and
whistled appreciatively.  "Next," he said.

Skinner tried to run away, but Mulder grabbed him
and held him tight. "You don't have anything to worry
about from Pendrell. He means you get to spank
Ratboy next," Mulder said gently.

Skinner's expressive brown eyes widened as he looked
at Pendrell for reassurance.

Pendrell winked and nodded his head. "Mulder's right.
I'm in a great mood now.  Have fun," he said, stepping aside.

"Thank you sir," Skinner said, as he lowered his
eyes. "I'm honored."

Pendrell smiled fondly. "You've trained him well, Mulder.
You can tell that he's a sub by his choice of spanking
implements, though. I just don't think that a driver is the
right club for this job."

"FORE!" Skinner said, as he swung the golf club
at Krycek's ass.

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Krycek screamed.

"Apparently it is," Mulder said dryly.

"Close enough for government work," Pendrell
grudgingly conceded.

Krycek slid off the table to the floor, and groveled
at Skinner's feet, sobbing and hiccuping.

"Is that all you going to give him for nearly killing you?"
Pendrell said quirking an eyebrow.

"He's reached his limit," Skinner said with a shrug, as
he roughly helped Krycek up and sat him down so hard
on the chair that he yelped. "Besides, Scully paid him
back for the nanocytes by infecting him with my blood."

"Dr. Crush... ah, Scully," Pendrell said, smiling
delightedly, "I'm impressed!"

"Thanks," Scully said, blanching at Pendrell's slip of tongue.

"Langley and Frohike, come over here and help me
with the program," Pendrell said.  "Dr. Scully, we'll need
you later to test the blood to make sure everything has
gone as planned."

"But what about ME?" Byers pouted and wiggled his butt,
as he wielded the banjo like Babe Ruth. "Don't I get to
spank him?"

Pendrell patted his lap, "C'mere. Now," he said sternly,
"And don't you dare get cute and put that banjo on my knee,
or you'll regret it."

Byers put the banjo on top of the cabinet, cautiously
walked over, and quickly sat down on the ubertop's lap.
He waited for his next order, eyes downcast but sullen

Roughly, Pendrell drew Byers close to him, and kissed
him so hard on the mouth that the leader of the Lone
Gunmen was breathless and shaking by the time they
broke out of the clinch.

Byers leaned against Pendrell's chest, whimpering and
nuzzling happily, while his master stroked his hair and beard.

Pleased with his sub, Pendrell pulled out his wallet, and gave
him a credit card, "Here Riker," he said huskily. "Treat yourself.
Buy out the store if you like."

Byers eyes lit up like Times Square as he looked at it.
"Omigod! You gave me your Radio Shack card! You DO
love me after all! Gee thanks, Captain, sir!"

"Yeah, I do, and you're welcome. Now run along and get
ready for me," Pendrell said, slapping his sub's flank.

Byers slid off Pendrell's lap, and ran happily to the bedroom.

Langley and Frohike watched him leave, both looking
positively green with envy.

"Don't worry," Pendrell said clapping Langley on the shoulder.
"You two will benefit from the trickle down effect."

"GENTLEMEN," Mulder said sharply to Frohike and Langley,
"sulk on your own borrowed time, not on Walter's. He needs
a cure for the nanocytes, and fast."

"You'll get it fast, too," Pendrell said smugly. "Skinner,
Krycek. Stand in front of me. As for you other
gentlemen, I need Krycek's Palm Pilot, and Langley's
redesigned and customized Game Boy, and The Star Trek:
The Next Generation game that Frohike wrote."

Skinner dragged Krycek over to stand in front of the
masterful geeks, and waited for instructions. Mulder,
Langley, and Frohike quickly supplied Pendrell with
what he requested, and Frohike anticipated his next
request, and supplied him with the interface between
the two machines.

"Excellent, Frohike!" Pendrell beamed. "You catch on fast."

"Thank you, sir," Frohike said. "That's program of
yours is hot.  I never would have dreamed that the
second program was MY game, and that we had the
cure here all along!"

"Hmph. You better let ME play the game, dude sir,"
Langley sneered. "I don't care if Frohike did design it,
I win it more often."

"Then in that case, you don't get to play the game. I
want whoever plays it to lose," Pendrell said firmly.

"But, sir, if you do that, you'll destroy the Enterprise,"
Frohike stammered.

Langley, Frohike and Mulder gaped at Pendrell, then slowly
broke out into grins as they realized why Pendrell set up
the program that way.

"BITCHIN'!" Langley said delightedly. "So when we destroy
the Enterprise, the nanocytes are destroyed! That is so cool!
We better call Byers in here. He's going to want in on the fun."

"Nah," Pendrell said as he hooked up the two handheld
electronic devices, "he'll have such a great time later and
so much fun in Radio Shack that he won't care. Besides,
there only needs to be three of us.  There! Done. Does
everyone remember what to say? The program won't
respond unless you say your part exactly right."

"YES, SIR!" Langley and Frohike said.

Pendrell lean over the two devices, and solemnly intoned,
"Picard, Jean Luc, Captain, USS Enterprise E.  Destruct
sequence 11A1B."

Skinner, Krycek, and Scully rolled their eyes, and
Mulder shook his head and chuckled.

Langley leaned over and said, "Data, Commander,
USS Enterprise E.  Destruct sequence 12A2B."

"Thank God, he didn't say dude," Scully whispered
to Mulder. "I don't think I could have taken a Valley
Boy Data."

Mulder snickered, and said "Shhh!" with mock severity.

Frohike leaned over and said stentorianly, "Worf,
Lieutenant, USS Enterprise E. Destruct sequence 13A3B."

Even Pendrell and Langley were having a hard time
keeping a straight face after that, but turned their heads
in order to spare Frohike's feelings.

"Destruct sequence engaged!" the tinny computer voice
said in a reasonable imitation of Dr. Crusher. "
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1! All nanocytes within target area
have been destroyed."

To everyone's surprise, Skinner sat on the floor, and
started to giggle helplessly. He finally stammered out,
"Beam me up, Scotty," then collapsed into giggles again.

Pendrell's eyes narrowed, and he went for his belt. "I didn't
miss Gates McFadden to get laughed at," he said ominously.
"Especially after I just saved your life."

Scully said hastily, "Look Mulder, Walter's having
another nervous breakdown!  You better calm him down
fast before he starts crying again.  You know how
the nanocytes have affected his mind."

Skinner abruptly stopped laughing and stared quizzically at
Scully, but Scully just kept rambling, making up lies as she
went along, holding Pendrell's gaze, "You have no idea how
fragile he got after he died on the OR table. All those nightmares,
the shakes..."

"I can verify that," Mulder said as he knelt down beside Skinner.
He took the befuddled AD into his arms and, with a tender,
loving expression on his face, whispered, "Any more outbursts
like that, and I'll kick your butt. What are you trying to do?
Make us his subs for LIFE?  Why can't you ever laugh like this
when we're safe at home, you dipshit?"

Pendrell's expression softened. "I guess he has gone
through a lot the past few days. No wonder he broke down.
Maybe you should give him a sedative or something."

"Oh, we're going to give him something alright," Mulder
whispered maliciously so that only Skinner could hear him,
and nodded at Pendrell.

Skinner moaned pitifully as Mulder patted him on the back.

Pendrell, Langley, and Frohike, totally misinterpreting the
reason for that moan, looked at Skinner with great sympathy
and shook their heads.

"Yes, poor thing. I'll give him a sedative later," Scully said,
struggling not to smirk since she had guessed what Mulder
had told Skinner.  "My next step though, as soon as we get
both men calmed down, is to take some blood samples,
and see if your program really did cure them."

"You and Mulder take care of your sub," Pendrell said as he
walked towards Krycek. "I'll take care of Ratboy."

Krycek's head shot up at that, and his teary eyes
were round with terror.

"Don't worry," Pendrell said as he patted Krycek's head,
"If you're a very good boy for the time being, I won't hurt you.
Too bad. You look good in tears and welts... maybe just
one more swat..."

"Hey Pendrell," Mulder said, "let me have a crack at him."

Krycek drew back dramatically and whimpered, lips quivering.
He looked like a 3-year-old child.

"PENDRELL! MULDER!" Scully said sharply. "I said
for you two to calm them down, not terrorize them!
Behave yourselves."

Pendrell walked back over to Scully, stood nose to nose
with her, and grinned, "Are you going to make me behave?"

Scully put her arms around Pendrell, and lasciviously
rubbing against him, gave him a French kiss that had
him moaning joyfully into her mouth.  Slowly, luxuriously,
she moved her right hand down to his trousers,
unzipped him, pulled out his weeping cock, and expertly
stroked Pendrell into geekboy paradise.

When he came with a deliriously happy scream a few
minutes later, Scully broke their kiss, and smiled sweetly.
"No, I'm not going to make you do anything, Captain Pendy,
and I won't even try. You're going to do what I say
anyway because I ask you so nicely though, aren't you?"

"Duuuhhh, yes Beverly" Pendrell said, nodding his head
vigorously.

She snickered, patted his cheek, and said, "Good. You boys
do your job, and I'll do mine."

Thanks to Byers having equipped the Lone Gunmen's
headquarters almost as well as the FBI laboratory,
Scully was able to perform the needed tests and get the
results back with in an hour.

"Pendrell, it appears your programs were a success,"
Scully said.

"Of course," Pendrell said smugly. "If he gets
infected again, you know what to do now. I'll give you copies
of everything, and store them in several locations.  You
can't be threatened by the nanocytes again."

"So now, on to the other business at hand?" Mulder said.

"Discipline and sex?" Pendrell said.

"YES!" Mulder and Scully said while the subs cringed.

"YES! LET THE PARTY BEGIN!" Pendrell shouted with glee.

------------------------------


"Could Mulder and Skinner and I have our own bedroom,
Pendy?" Scully said sultrily.

"Of course, Dr. Beverly!" Pendrell beamed at her. "I'm
going to take the master bedroom since there's going
to be five of us, and only three of you, but feel free to
use one of the other bedrooms."

Mulder cracked up when he saw Krycek's reaction to
that announcement. Ratboy's face looked like he'd just
seen horrible things done with straws to baby hamsters,
with the promise of the same being done to him.

"That's okay, Pendrell," Mulder said as he relished
Ratboy's misery. "We just need a bedroom with the
usual amenities and one small special request."

"I make sure that the boys always keep our bedrooms
well supplied with lube and assorted toys," Pendrell said
arching his eyebrow,  "and we have plenty of condoms,
even if all of them are green because the boys always fight
over who gets to be Mister Spock. I don't know about the
special request, though. What did you have in mind exactly?"

"Vlassic prophylactics. What a turn on," Skinner muttered
so that only Mulder and Scully could hear him. "There's
nothing sexier than a pickle dick."

Skinner shut up when Mulder scowled at him, and walked
over and put his arm around Pendrell, and motioned for
Scully to join them. When the tops turned their backs on
the subs to converse in low tones, it worried the hell out of
all them. Their eyebrows shot up, and they looked at each
other anxiously when Mulder tried to give the ubergeek three
twenties, but Pendrell refused them, smiling and shaking
his head.

Pendrell, Mulder and Scully laughed when they saw the
apprehensive subs, shook hands, and walked back to
rejoin them.

"I hid the damn things in the back of hall closet twelve
broken blow dryers and a dead monitor until I could determine
a suitably horrible death for them," Pendrell said, clapping
Mulder on the back, and winking at Scully. "If they're still there,
you're more than welcome to have them."

"Thanks Pendrell," Mulder said shaking his hand. "I
appreciate it." Mulder turned to Scully and said, "I'm
going to get our extra supplies. I SWEAR that I'm not
ditching you, so don't come after me waving your gun,
okay Killer?"

"It's a deal," Scully deadpanned. "If you're gone too long,
I promise that I won't come after you with anything more
deadly than a 27" long strap-on."

Smiling wryly, Mulder gave her the finger, and went
down the hallway.

As hairdryers clunking on the floor resounded in the
hallway, Pendrell motioned to Langley and Frohike,
and nodded at Krycek.   They gulped, but the two geeks
went to Krycek, who hunkered down forlornly, and helped
him up. The three of them followed Pendrell to the master
bedroom.

Skinner peeked inside when the door opened, and sighed
with relief as he saw Langley's fluorescent paint murals of
Star Trek heroes engaging in carnal activities. "Thank GOD
that we didn't get THAT room," he said. "That's more than
I ever wanted to know about Worf's ugly dick."

"Shhhh!" Scully said sternly, although she heartily agreed
with him. "They'll hear you."

Mulder came back dragging two huge laundry bags, and
grunted,  "There'll be time to talk later. Open the door to
our room, will ya?"

Scully opened the door and shared a look of sick dismay
with Skinner. It was a shrine to Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk.
Their images where everywhere, from floor to ceiling.

Mulder dragged the laundry bags inside the room to the
foot of the bed, and whistled as he looked around him.
"This is great!" he exclaimed happily, totally unaware
of the angst that the room d,cor caused for his lovers.
"We must have gotten Frohike's room! He's a TOS freak

"TOS freak!" Skinner said fearfully. "I've always suspected
that Frohike was a weirdo. I bet TOS involves sharp objects
and bloodletting, doesn't it?"

"Calm down. TOS just stands for The Original Series,
as in Star Trek's Original Series," Mulder said as he
reverently touched the Spock-shaped lamps and drawer
knobs.  "Would you look at the detail on this stuff! It's
fantastic. Some of this has just got to be worth a lot of
money. Wouldn't you give anything to have something
this great at your apartment, Walter?"

"Oh yeah. All I have are a couple of Hokusai prints,
and a Rosetti sketch," Skinner said acidly, disdainfully
crossing his arms. "Why would I want to bother with world
class art when I could have Star Trek lamps and drawer
knobs?" It was hard to look smugly superior while dressed
only in a Xena towel, but he just managed.

"THAT DOES IT!" Mulder bellowed at the surprised sub.
"ON THE BED, FACE DOWN! ***NOW***!!"

Skinner quickly complied when he saw Mulder, red-faced
and wild-eyed, drawing back his fist.  The sub backed
carefully onto the bed, and turned over as quickly as he
could, covering his ass with both hands.

"Oh my GOD, Mulder, you look like you're going to blow
a blood vessel," Scully said as she handed him a sword.
"You need to calm down, and take out your frustrations
first. Here's that extra Sword of Wounding that Pendy
said that you could borrow...

Skinner jerked his head up, and looked over his shoulder,
his eyes round with terror. "Sword of Wounding! I *knew*
bloodletting was going to be involved!"

Mulder glowered and brandished the sword as though
Skinner shishkabob was on his menu. "SHUT! UP!"

Skinner turned his head away and fast, breathing hard
and heavy.

Scully went over to Skinner and sat down beside him.
She took off his glasses, and set them carefully on the
Mr. Spock lamp's nose and pointed ears. She tucked two
fingers under Skinner's chin, and raised it. "You know better
than that, Walter," she said giving him her most piercing stare,
"but I know you're just egging him on because you want
the spanking as much as he wants to give it, so I'll overlook it."

He blushed and bit his lip, looking especially boyish
without the wirerims to hide his dark, expressive eyes.

"Your conscience must be killing you," she said, slapping
his hands away, and tugging his towel up to expose his
red ass,   "to make such an outlandishly silly accusation!
You know you deserve whatever we dish out."


"NO MA'AM, I DON'T!" Skinner said emphatically, trying
to cover his ass again, "Krycek should be the one getting
his ass beaten not me. I didn't do a thing to deserve this!"

Scully slapped his hand, then smacked his butt, loving
the way it bounced, and the satisfying yelp that Skinner
made. "Don't touch the towel, and don't you DARE lie,
Walter. Not even YOU would want the kind of spanking
you'd get for that. Your cute little behind wouldn't recover
for a month from what Mulder would do to it if he caught
you lying again. You know how he feels about lies and
cover-ups."

"Yes ma'am," Skinner said forlornly. He was the picture
of melodramatic despondency.

"Oh stop that," Scully laughed, "We're going to spank
you, not have you put to death, sweetie." She slid her
hand between his long, muscular legs, over his balls,
gently fondling them, then stroking up to his cock.
"Like that?" she said.

"Oh god yeah!" Skinner sighed, arching back to her hand.
He was getting harder with every teasing stroke of her hand.

"If you're a good sub," she said as she withdrew her
hand and stroked his back, "there's more where that
came from."

"Couldn't we just skip straight to the good part?"
Skinner wheedled.

"You mean the spanking?" Scully asked mischievously.

"I think I better behave myself before I dig myself in deeper,"
Skinner sighed.

"A wise decision," Scully laughed, and patted him. "Too
bad you didn't make it earlier, sweetheart."

Meanwhile, Mulder furiously ripped a dozen towels from
the bag until he finally found the hideous one that he was
looking for. It was a beach towel of Celine Dion in full arm
flinging mode. He carefully pulled back the Captain Kirk
curtains, and tied the Celine Dion towel to the Mr. Spock
curtain rod so that it appeared that she was hanging
there by her outstretched hands. After tying the towel
at the bottom to the Enterprise curtain stays, Mulder
struck back.

Raising the Sword of Wounding, he thrust it into the
towel right into Celine's tonsils. "That's for 'My Heart
Will Go On' and on and on and on!" he snarled, making
a gash in the towel each time he said on. "You're the
reason chick flicks have a bad name.  The goddamn
Titanic couldn't sink fast enough for me after
listening to you."

Skinner started to shake as he heard the fabric ripping
and made a silent vow to burn his Titanic videotape,
despite the megacrush he had on Kate Winslett.

"Jesus, Mulder, if I had known you hated the movie that
much, I wouldn't have asked you to sit through it twice,"
Scully said between giggles.

"You were cruel, Scully, and especially cruel to sang
that damn song all the way home," Mulder said as
he untied the remnants of the towel, and tossed them
to her. "Here," he said. "If you're not *too* busy giggling,
help me tie him up with these."

While Scully snickered and tied Skinner's wrists to the
ithyphallic Mr. Spock bedposts, Mulder tied his ankles.

"You forgot to close the curtains," Scully said she said
as she finished tying up Skinner. "We don't want the
Lone Gunmen getting kicked out of their building
because of us."

As if on cue, Mulder, Scully, and Skinner heard Krycek's
voice through the walls, "JESUS! What's with the scuba
diving outfits, and why are you all wearing telephoto lenses
over your right eyes?"

"WE ARE THE BORG," the geek chorus said.
"PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED!"

"AAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Krycek said over many
thumping and bumping sounds.

"Somehow, I don't think that anyone will even notice
that we're here," Mulder said dryly, as he closed
the curtains.

"I'll admit that you DO have a point," Scully said. "So
how do you want to work this."

"I thought we'd do a Quantico spanking," Mulder said
as he took two wet towels out of the other laundry bag,
and handed one to Scully.

"QUANTICO spanking!" Skinner said, pulling at his wrist
restraints. "Since when do they teach spanking at
Quantico?"

"Since I taught a few classes there," Scully laughed
and winked at Mulder. "I run a very strict classroom."

Skinner made a mental note to do a surprise
classroom inspection of each Quantico instructor.
// It's so good to know that replacement tops are
available.//

Mulder and Scully each took up position by a Skinner
butt cheek. "We'll do this on my mark," Mulder said.

Scully nodded.

Both twirled their towels, and Mulder mouthed the
countdown, 3-2-1 NOW...

SNAP!!!

"HEY!" Skinner yelled outraged, jerking against his
bonds as both agents' towels simultaneously smacking
his taut ass. "Two against one! This isn't fair, damn it,
and besides, only geeks get towels snapped at their butts!"

SNAP!

"Don't bitch to us about the towels, Walter," Scully said.
"You're the one who thinks that Canon is a designer
label for men's wear."

"As for us ganging up on you, I'm a reasonable man,"
Mulder said firmly.  "You can take your punishment
from both of us at the same time, or one of us right
after the other, it makes no difference to me. "Either way,
your ass catches it from both of us."

"I'll take two towels at once," Skinner said sulkily, pissed
and disappointed by his punishment.

Mulder caught the rebelliousness of his new sub, and
swiftly let him know it. "Two at once, WHAT?" he said angrily.

SNAP! SNAP!

"Two at once, SIR!" Skinner grunted grudgingly.

"Much better. Now, tell us why you're being punished,"
Scully said severely.

"Because I insulted this Star Trek room because I'm
such an art snob, MA'AM." Skinner said sullenly.

SNAP! SNAP!

Skinner writhed and twisted as the towels slapped
against his thighs and butt, determined not to yell out,
or give Mulder and Scully any more satisfaction whatsoever.
He couldn't help but give his tops satisfaction, though.

Scully and Mulder delighted in the way Skinner's muscles
moved under the skin of his broad back with every snap of
the towel, and the beautiful warm red color that his firm,
glistening, curvy butt was turning.  They found his
vulnerability coupled with his handsomeness and superb
physique an intoxicating combination.

"What else?" Scully said. "ANSWER ME! Don't play
the silent macho man with me, Walter, or I'll double
your punishment."

"I was disrespectful of your friends by being sarcastic
about the pickle green condoms and being disrespectful
of Worf's dick, ma'am," Skinner sighed mournfully, sadly
shaking his head.

SNAP!

One towel snap was all the toppy agents could manage
without cracking up. Mulder's lips were twitching, and
his shoulders were shaking, while Scully buried her face in
Mulder's shoulder and giggled soundlessly.

Finally, she composed herself, and wiped the tears from
her eyes. "We'd settle for you showing the proper respect
to us and our friends, even if you can't manage any for Worf's
dick, Walter," Scully said, amusement twinkling in her eyes.
"You can start showing us some right now by confessing
another one of your sins to us, sweetie."

"I made fun of the Star Trek game that destroyed the
nanocytes, ma'am, and I'm sorry." he said respectfully,
but much more quickly than before.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

"Mmph!" Skinner stifled a scream.  After Krycek's
belting, the snapping towels were exquisitely painful
on Skinner's welted behind. Skinner bit his lip, to keep
from crying out any more, but tears were welling up
and threatening to fall down his face, to his intense
embarrassment. Using every ounce of self-control he
had, he willed himself to calm down, thinking his
punishment would be over soon.  He couldn't think
of anything else that they would be pissed about...
except one, and with that thought his heart sunk to his knees.

Mulder smiled, as he watched the interplay of emotions
that Skinner unwittingly expressed with his body. From
experience, he knew when his sub was to the breaking
point, just by looking at the way his muscles slightly
tensed, or a slight movement of his head.  Mulder decided
to give his sub what he'd been craving and use it to break
him. "Walter, what's the main reason for this spanking?"
he said sharply.

"I-I lied to you about not knowing who controlled the
nanocytes," Skinner said shakily, knowing this would
earn him the most painful part of the punishment.
"I knew all along it was Krycek, but I was too afraid to
tell you.  I thought he'd kill all of us if he found out that
I had said anything."

"Let's cut him loose, Scully," Mulder said.

Scully smiled, and patted Skinner on the back.
"Almost done, Walter! You're doing very well!"

"That's it? You mean you understand?" Skinner
said hopefully, as Scully cut the terrycloth ties.

"No, I sure as SHIT don't!" Mulder growled.
"You're going over my lap, and I'm going to spank
you with my hand."

"Over your lap? Oh good! I mean, you can't be serious,"
Skinner said, his eyes lighting up like a Broadway marquee.

Scully looked fondly at Skinner.  "Do it, Walter,"
she chuckled. "Over his lap, now! Make it happen, sweetie!"

Skinner gulped, and crawled over Mulder's lap, both
men shivering as they felt each other's erections.

Mulder began spanking Walter, and scolding him
at the same time.

"Don't you EVER lie to me again!" Mulder said furiously,
carefully spacing his swats so that Skinner wouldn't be
bruised or injured from all of his blows falling in one spot.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"We could have set up far a better trap in advance
with your cooperation, and we might have nabbed
Krycek as soon as he came into the garage, but NO!"
Mulder said sarcastically,  "You have to lie and sneak
to let him whip your ass."

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

Skinner was biting his lip until it bled, but there was no
way he could control his tears. His bare bottom radiated
enough heat to warm the building, and every smack to his
ass rubbed his balls and rock hard cock against Mulder's
thigh.  Pleasure started to infiltrate the pain, and drove him
crazy.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"What the FUCK do you think it does to the people
that love you when they know you'd rather die than deign
to accept their help?"  Mulder said, taking in grim
pleasure at the sight of Walter's bright cherry red butt
cheeks jiggling under his slaps. He decided to emphasize
this part of his sub's lesson with the hardest slaps to his ass yet.

*****SMACK! ***** SMACK! ***** SMACK! *****
*****SMACK! ***** SMACK! *****

"ANSWER ME!" Mulder barked, "Or I'll give you a
spanking that will make this one feel like your grandma
gave it to you, I swear I will!"

Skinner opened his mouth to protest that Mulder had
him all wrong, but to his chagrin, a long repressed,
agonized sob came out instead, and he broke down and
sobbed helplessly.

Scully knelt down in front of Skinner and with outstretched
arms, invited him to cry on her shoulder.

Skinner hugged her, and started to cry even harder.

"There, there, sweetie," Scully said soothingly as
she patted his shoulders, "It's all over.  I'll go get some
more ointment, and Mulder will help you on to the bed."

Mulder scooted both of them back onto the bed,
and eased out from under Skinner, who was still crying.
He took the sub's towel off, and tossed it into the corner.
He rubbed the small circles on Skinner's back, gruffly
saying soothing nonsense words to him until he
quieted down.

Scully came back with the ointment, and Mulder
held out his hand. "I want to rub it on him this time,
okay?" he said.

She pouted, and crossed her arms.

Mulder turned around, sat on the edge of the bed,
and pulled Scully by her waist until she was standing
between his legs. With her standing up, and him sitting on
the bed, they could look each other straight in the eye for a
change. She took full advantage of the situation to glare
disapprovingly at him.

"Oh come on, Scully," Mulder said, and gave her a kiss for
each of the ten freckles sprinkled across her the nose. "I've got
an idea that you should love. We'll need the pickle condoms,
and the kosher dill lube though, since those obviously are
Walter's favorites," he added mischievously.

"I'm never going to be allowed to live that one down, am I?"
Skinner said ruefully.

Mulder looked over his shoulder, smiled at Skinner
and shook his head.

Skinner smiled wryly.

"Mulder, I'm not budging until you tell me what's in it
for me," Scully said adamantly

Mulder pulled her close, whispered into her ear, and
nibbled it.

She giggled, eyes shining, and said, "Mulder, I love you!"

"I love you too, Red," he said tenderly. "Now, hurry up,
so we both can show Walter how much we love him!"

She grinned, and handed him the ointment, and went
rummaging through the drawers in search of supplies.

"If you two are going to show me how much you love me,
why were you whispering," Skinner said suspiciously.

"Walter, who's in charge here?" Mulder said as he
squeezed a generous dollop of the cool ointment, and
caressed it lovingly over Skinner's flaming red ass,
reveling in the feel of those firm globes of flesh in his hands.

"You are, sir. I just, I just... aaaaahh," Skinner said
shutting his eyes, and smiling.

Mulder smiled, and continued his massage up and
down Skinner's thighs, and in-between them, then back
up to his red behind. "Feels good, eh?" he said smugly.

"Oh God, YES, sir!" Skinner whimpered.

Mulder bestowed a kiss on the small of Skinner's back.
"Does it feel good enough that you're sorry about lying
to me, Walter? Do you want a chance to redeem yourself?"

"YES, SIR! Anything, sir," Skinner said enthusiastically,
as he snuggled into his pillow.

"Good," Mulder said kissing him again, and stroking
him one last time.

Skinner looked up as soon as he felt Mulder stop
caressing him, and puzzled, watched his top crawl up
to the head of the bed, and settle back comfortably
against the headboard.

"C'mere," Mulder said grinning lazily as he unzipped
his pants and pulled out his cock.  "I want you to suck me."

"I thought you were going to..." Skinner trailed off as he
saw the disapproving look in Mulder's eyes. "Yes, sir,
right away sir. I'm really..."

"Just shut up and suck me, Walter," Mulder said
closing his eyes and smiling.

Skinner shrugged, and crawled between Mulder's legs.
Ass high in the air, he took Mulder's cock head into his
mouth, and sucked it as his tongue licked around and
under the rim, as his hands gently stroked Mulder's legs
and balls.

"Oh Christ, YES!" Mulder said happily. "That's fucking
perfect!  You're so good."

Skinner brightened up at his praise, and deep-throated
him, delighting in Mulder's howl of pleasure. He didn't
notice that Scully had walked on the bed behind him,
until he felt her gloved hand on his ass.

"Don't move," she ordered, "unless it's to suck Mulder's
cock."

"Yes ma'am," Skinner said as best as he could,
considering his mouth was full of Mulder's dick.

Scully lightly swatted Skinner's ass, making him yelp.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," she said. "Now that you're
MY sub too, you're going to learn how to eat properly."

Skinner laughed with Mulder's cock still in his mouth,
making Mulder moan happily from the vibrations.

"Keep up the good work," Scully laughed.

Skinner felt two of her latex and lube-covered fingers
circle his opening. He moaned his approval when
they slid in and stroked his prostate, and inspired him
to suck Mulder harder and harder.

Mulder put his hands on Walter's bare scalp. "God,
s'good," he kept saying breathlessly.

Scully stroked Skinner, until he was wantonly fucking
himself on her hand as he sucked off a deliriously
excited Mulder. When she withdrew her fingers,
Skinner whimpered his disappointment, but he immediately
began making the most erotic, ecstatic sounds as soon as
he felt Scully's cock snubbing into his...

Skinner stopped in mid suck, his eyes opened wide with shock.
"WHO THE HELL IS BACK THERE!" he yelled as he
struggled to turn around.

Mulder shoved Skinner's head back down onto his cock,
"Oh for Christ's sake, Walter, cut the melodramatics!"
Mulder laughed. "I know damn well that you've heard of
strap-ons, and you know damn well that's Scully's
the one who's fucking you!"

"Mulder's right, it's just me, Walter.  Relax, okay?
I know what I'm doing, and I promise to be gentle,"
Scully cooed as she stroked Skinner's flat stomach.
"You just take care of Mulder."

Skinner responded by sucking hard on Mulder's cock,
and by rocking back and impaling himself on the strap-on,
which simultaneously slammed the attached dildo inside
of Scully, and rubbed her wet, swollen, clit.

Scully squealed as orgasmic waves rushed throughout
her body. She began to rock their bodies together,
sending jolts of pleasure into both of them.

The pain of her slapping against his tortured ass and
the delicious electrical thrills that went through his body
as she went deep inside him stroking his prostate
combined into such intensely exciting and overwhelming
sensations that Skinner began to cry again. Reaching around,
she gave his cock one hard jerk as she slammed the
strap-on into him, and he came hard with a scream,
muffled though it was by having Mulder's dick in his mouth.
She thrust into her sub one more time, causing him to
deep-throat Mulder. Mulder let out a lusty yowl of ecstacy,
convulsing as he shot spurt after spurt of come into
Skinner's mouth.  The sub eagerly swallowed as fast as
he could, and licked up the rest.

"Shit, Walter," Mulder said with a goofy grin, as he patted
Skinner's head, "that was unbelievable.  I'm gonna have Scully
fuck you every time, if it means I'll get blown like that!"

"I wish you would Mulder," Scully said contentedly.
"I think I had ten orgasms. Walter's a fantastic lay."

Skinner smiled shyly, and laid his forehead against
Mulder's thigh.

"Come on up here with me, both of you," Mulder said
stretching his arms out.  Skinner accepted Mulder's
nvitation to cuddle first, but Scully followed suit as soon
as she disposed of the condom on her strap-on. She
didn't bother to take off the strap-on, amusing
Mulder to no end.

"Stop laughing," Scully said. "You don't know what a
hassle it is to get this thing on."

"Well as long as it's here..." Mulder said mysteriously.
He grabbed it and jerked it up and down as fast and hard
as he could, ramming the dildo inside her. Within seconds,
she was dripping wet with arousal, and when Skinner reached
over a tweaked her nipple, she arched her back, and came.

Arms flung over each other, they drowsed happily... until
they were awakened by a loud thump on the wall,
alerting them that once again they were to be entertained
with the sounds of the activities next door.

"CAPTAIN! ROMULAN VESSEL SIGHTED OFF
STARBOARD BOW!" Frohike yelled!


"BATTLE STATIONS! GO TO RED ALERT! ARM
PHOTON TORPEDOES ON MY SIGNAL!" Pendrell bellowed.

"AYE, AYE! CAPTAIN!" Frohike, Langley, and Byers yelled.

"EYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Krycek screamed.

"He said STARBOARD, not PORT, you moron!" Pendrell said.

They all guffawed as they heard more thumps.

"Owwww!" Krycek whimpered pitifully. "How the hell
would I know the difference? We didn't get Star Trek
in Russia when I was growing up!"

"Sir, it seems this Romulan is really Commander Chekov
suffering from the effects of being stuck in an Alternate
Universe Time Warp!" Byers said. "Shall we apply the
TOS Memory Enhancer?"

"Make it so, Number One," Pendrell said.

They heard Krycek giggling hysterically. "W-why are you
tickling me with fuzzy blue houseshoes? Oh GOD, stop,
I c-c-c-can't breathe." he gasped out.

"DUDE! These are NOT houseshoes!" Langley said severely.
"You're getting The Torture by Tribbles from the original tribbles.
We paid big money for these. Show some respect."

"Sir, stand down, or I'll be forced to apply the Klingon Pain
Stick Torture," Pendrell said.

"I thought I got to apply the Klingon Pain Stick Torture,"
Byers whined.

"I'm the Klingon," Frohike said. "I should apply it."

The thumps and screams got louder and louder.

Pursing her lips, Scully got up out of bed, and walked
resolutely toward the door, stopping only to grab
her hairbrush.

Mulder opened one eye, and said,  "Where are you
going?"

"Boldly, where no woman has gone before," she smirked.

"Oh, Langley's bedroom!" he laughed. "Have fun!"

He and Skinner smiled and waved bye. She smiled and
closed the door behind her.

They heard the bedroom door next to them slam open,
and all the thumping stopped. "ALL RIGHT BOYS!"
they heard Scully yell. "THIS IS DR. CRUSHER,
AND IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PHYSICAL!  LINE UP,
TURN YOUR HEAD, AND COUGH ON MY SIGNAL!"

"NO WAY!" Krycek yelled. "You're not sticking that up
MY ass!"

"Okay FINE, Ratboy!" Scully said angrily. "I'll just use this
Klingon dildo instead..."

"NO! DR. CRUSHER! NO!" Pendrell shouted. "THAT'S NOT
A DILDO THAT'S A..."

"EEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAH!" Krycek screamed.

"...cattle prod," Pendrell finished.

"Ooooh, that's gotta hurt," Mulder and Skinner said.
Pulling Skinner close to him, Mulder turned out Mr.
Spock for the night, and sighed contentedly. Life just
didn't get any better than this.

THE END

As promised, here are Xanthe's contributions. She
wanted a story in which Skinner was undressed as much
as possible, and wanted him to be tied up with towels,
snapped with towels, in a towel. The Quantico Spanking
Mulder and Scully gave him was mine, though, lol.