Title: Mine First, Children Author: mlb e-mail: mlb@ipass.net Rating: pg Category: V Spoilers: none Keywords: None Summary: Sharon Skinner angst Disclaimer: All characters in this story are the property of CC and 1013. No personal gain is intended. Feedback: Welcome (mlb@ipass.net) After three weary months, the case is finally over, and the FBI is giving its final summation to hungry members of the press. I watch, as I watched the entire time, the small television on the counter constantly tuned to CNN. I usually kept the sound down, but at the top of every hour, I turned it up to check for developments. I watched news programs in the evening and combed the newspapers each day for some crumb of information. When I heard of the final gun battle, my heart seemed to stop beating and didn't start again until they gave the names of the wounded and dead. The Assistant Director is speaking, as the highest-ranking member of the FBI on the scene, co-ordinator of the operation, blah, blah, blah. He looks tired. Of course, the general public could never tell. God, from the look of him, they'd think he was ready to do it all again, but I know the signs. The lines around his eyes and mouth are deeper, and the desperately straight shoulders have just the tiniest hint of a sag. He's about one step from collapse. My hands ache to touch him, rub his aching shoulders, cradle him against me while he sleeps. As if I were ever allowed to do such a thing. I remind myself that it's not my problem anymore and wonder, with what I tell myself is friendly concern, whose problem it might be. I can see Mulder and Scully standing in the crowd at the back of the auditorium. They stand together, but their eyes never leave him, their faces an interesting blend of exasperated protectiveness. One of the reporters shouts out a particularly offensive question. The AD handles it coolly, but I see Mulder frown and Scully's mouth tighten. By the way, Walter, did you know that one, if not two, of your subordinates have a crush on you? And would you act on it if you did? I remember their diapproving looks directed at me once upon a time, when they discovered my existance and apparent betrayal. He was theirs, and I had caused him pain. Well, he was mine first, children. Mine until death do us part. I suppose death did part us in the end. Death of love - his not mine. Death of trust, I suppose that was me, for I stopped trusting him. Oh, I didn't think he had an affair or anything so dishonorable, disloyal, and human. During all our troubles, another woman never crossed my mind. He'd have to pay attention to a lover after all, speak to her sometimes, possibly share something of itself. No, it never really crossed my mind. I stopped trusting his feelings for me, that he loved me at all and wanted me in his life. I seemed to have become just one more thing that he had to deal with. When I told Mulder and Scully that we weren't married anymore and had become roommates, I could see that they didn't understand. I must have seemed like a spoiled child whining for more than her share of attention, but I spoke no more than the truth. We weren't husband and wife, or partners, or companions. Certainly, we weren't friends. I understood that I couldn't hear about confidential matters, but I would have liked to know the small things. I would have enjoyed discussing who was annoying, who said something silly in a meeting, or what Janet Reno was wearing that day. It would have been nice if he'd wanted to know what happened in the bookstore, about customers who "didn't know the author or title, but it had a blue cover" or who walked out because I didn't have the right blend of coffee. He wanted to know these things once, but later, I felt that my words flew into some sort of void and that I bothered him with my chatter. He turns away from the podium and I feel a familiar ache of lonliness. I've moved on. I see other men, one of whom is even falling in love with me. I could have sex if I wanted. But I still love my former husband, and it doesn't seem fair to make love to someone else when my body and heart want him. If all I need is release, that's what hands are for. I wonder if he's found someone else. I wonder if he and Scully and/or Mulder have come to some arrangement. It wouldn't surprise me. Walter never gave a sign of homosexual interest during our marriage, but I'm so far from knowing him now, that nothing would shock me anymore. I suppose a truely nice, good, loving person would be happy if he's found happiness with someone else, but I can't quite manage it. I click off the remote and the screen goes dark. The End.