TITLE: Counterbalance
NAME: frogdoggie
E-MAIL: frogdoggie@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: SRA
RATING: NC-17. M/SK. This story contains explicit slash i.e. 
m/m sex. Seriously - the sex act in this one is a bit more 
graphically descriptive. So, if you don't like that type of thing - 
STOP NOW! Forewarned is forearmed. Proceed with caution.
SUMMARY: Scully is shot. How will this impact the tripartite 
relationship? The action here takes place immediately after 
"Weighing In". This story is part of the "Baton Rouge" series. 
Obviously you may want to read the series to understand this 
narrative. The "Baton Rouge" series can be found at:
http://www.squidge.org/3wstop
or my mirror site at: http://adult.dencity.com/frogdoggie
FEEDBACK - YES PLEASE, AND THANK YOU SIR, CAN I 
HAVE ANOTHER? Comments, suggestions and healthy 
debate are always welcome. Flames? They only serve to warm 
my body and mind.
TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: Sixth Season and this is 
immediately after Tithonus in my timeline. So it would be safe to 
say any ep ever that appears before that episode as well as 
Tithonus, would constitute a spoiler warning. It's also going to be 
obvious that I've changed the series timeline to fit into the Baton 
Rouge universe. I am trying to catch up with Season Six events 
now, however. We're rolling towards getting the X-Files back. 
Oh - and still NO SR819 even if it never comes up before I end 
this series! So, I've still kind of reinvented the mytharc for my 
AU as well. Sorry if all that bothers you - feel free to go 
elsewhere if it does. I won't mind. 
KEYWORDS: story slash Skinner Mulder Scully NC-17
DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Dana Scully and all 
other X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen 
Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright 
infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their 
use.
*Author's note: I've taken some artistic license here. In my 
scenario Mulder made it to New York in time to be at the 
hospital just after Scully came out of surgery in Tithonus. Also, 
this is very much a transitional story - a story that will act as a 
bridge to the last chapter in the "Baton Rouge Series". Please 
keep that in mind as you read it. Thanks.
Counterbalance
by frogdoggie
Counterbalance: 1: a weight that balances another 2: to oppose 
or balance with an equal weight or force
-Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary
Friday, July 16, 1999. 1 PM. NYU Medical Center
If she's dead I'll kill him. I really mean it. The son of a bitch is 
toast. Ritter is history. I'll rip his fucking heart out. I'll gut him like 
a dead fish. Cut his balls off ...no wait. I'll shoot him in the 
crotch, let him think about what life's going to be like without a 
dick and balls and then I'll shoot him in the head. He's a dead 
man...a fucking dead...bastard...a dead...No! I'm sorry. Please 
God, I don't mean any of that. I...please just let her live...ok? 
Just...don't let her die. You can have anything. You...God, you 
can have me...just don't let her die....
"Sir, are you here with Agent Scully?"
"I am now."
"I'm sorry. I mean are you Agent Peyton Ritter?"
"I'm Agent Fox Mulder. I'm Agent Scully's partner."
"Isn't Agent Ritter her partner?"
"No. She was assigned to work with Agent Ritter on a 
temporary basis...Doctor?"
"Doctor Marsh."
"I want to see my partner, Doctor Marsh."
"That's not possible right now, Agent Mulder...she's..."
"She's...is she..."
"She's in recovery, Agent Mulder. It was a very serious wound 
but the surgery went well. She's young, and strong, so that 
gives her an edge at recovering as well. However, her condition 
is still guarded. The next few hours will be critical."
"I want to wait until I can see her."
"Well that's..."
"I'm not leaving here until I can see her, Doctor. You might as 
well not bother with the rules and regs. Save your breath 
because I'll fucking break them anyway."
"Oh yeah? Well listen to me before you interrupt me again, 
please. Believe me, your viewpoint is nothing new. You sound 
like half the NYPD officers that come in here, Agent Mulder. 
I've heard the drill. 'Partners are closer than relatives so let me 
in or I'll break your fucking kneecaps'."
"So?"
"So, I was going to say that it's permissible for you to wait and I 
understand. It's fine. There's a waiting room right over there. I'll 
tell the nurse's station that you're to be informed when Agent 
Scully is awake."
"Uh...is there a chapel or one of those meditation rooms?"
"Yes, as a matter-of-fact. It's down the hall and around the 
corner to the left."
"Would you tell them I'm in there? When I come back to the 
waiting room I'll check in with them."
"Certainly."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"You're welcome, Agent Mulder. We've done everything we can 
and if it's any consolation - her vitals are really quite good. Time 
will tell, but I'm cautiously optimistic about her prognosis."
"I know you've done your best. I appreciate it."
"All right then. I have to see my other patients. I'll check in on 
Agent Scully later."
"I'll be here."
"I have no doubt you will, Agent Mulder."
You bet your sweet stethoscope, Doc. No doubt at all. No way 
am I going to leave. In fact, I'm going to get down on my knees 
and pray for Scully. God may not listen, but I don't feel the 
slightest bit of hesitation in giving this a shot in the hopes He will. 
I...I'm starting to have some faith in that area, believe it or not 
folks. I mean if it's good enough for Walter...why not, you 
know? If he believes it works, that's good enough for me - 
especially right now. No matter what my feelings in the matter I 
want Scully to have every chance at recovery. If the power of 
prayer is going to help her chances then I'll get down on my 
knees and pray for her with no argument at all. I love her with 
every particle of my being. Anything I can do to help her, 
anything within the realm of any possibility, extreme or 
otherwise...prayer included...well...I'm your man, God. Please 
believe me...you gotta believe. I really am.
xXx
Friday, July 16, 1999. 10 PM. A Unitarian Church in Crystal 
City, VA
I spent time like this in Vietnam. Plenty of time waiting, I mean. 
Waiting in the hours before dawn in some damn bunker or 
friggin' foxhole. Waiting for the enemy to attack. Waiting for the 
first rounds to come screaming in. Waiting to return fire, waiting 
for the curses, the screams, the moans...the prayers...waiting 
for...death. 
Tonight I'm on a death watch. I'm waiting to find out if Scully is 
dead. Mulder called me at the office today from New York to 
tell me Scully had been shot in the line of duty. Line of duty my 
ass. God, that is such a patently stupid phrase when it applies to 
the royal fuck-up Peyton Ritter let Scully walk into in New York. 
Why that kid didn't believe...well...that's all water under the 
damn bridge and who the fuck cares if...if Scully is dead.
And Mulder...trust him to go AWOL to New York. Damn brat. I 
was cheering for him nevertheless. Kersh is going to have his 
balls, but Mulder doesn't give a shit. He's got balls to spare 
anyway when it comes to Scully and her safety. Besides, the 
repercussions on this one are starting to roll and Kersh may just 
find out they roll right over him...eventually. It may not happen 
right away, but he's going to discover that separating Mulder 
from his partner and then sending Scully off to NY with a green 
agent was a very bad idea. Peyton Ritter had a reputation and 
record for being brash and reckless concerning safety. It may 
prove to not have been a very politic move to send Scully out 
there without back-up in that regard. I hope to God OPR strings 
Kersh up by his balls. He deserves it, the prick. If Scully dies...if 
she dies...well, I know Oliver Kersh will have to answer to a 
much higher authority than me or the blasted Federal Bureau of 
investigation.
So, at least Mulder's with Scully. I wish...Lord, how I wish I 
could have canceled every fucking meeting I had this afternoon 
so I could leave work and be with her too. I just should have 
fucking gone, damn it! But how could I? Christ. I can't even 
begin to think about the position I'm in. It's almost untenable for 
so many reasons. For one, neither Mulder or Scully is even 
under my jurisdiction anymore so traveling to New York to 
investigate why one of my agents was shot isn't an option. Hell, 
she wouldn't have been put in that position if she'd been under 
my jurisdiction. No, if an AD is going to go down there and mop-
up the mess it has to be Kersh - and fat chance that's going to 
happen.
The jurisdictional thing is only the half of it, of course. I knew 
having them both as lovers was going to make the job situation 
difficult. I thought I could handle it. But this is a friggin' 
nightmare. No matter how much I don't want to have to 
consider it, I'm going to have to face seeing them in danger, 
injured and someday I might even see one or both of them 
killed. God, give me the strength to cope here...please.
If only we didn't have to keep the relationship under wraps. 
Hiding things just...just adds to the stress of this type of situation. 
But...I can't reveal I'm involved with Mulder. I can't reveal I'm 
involved with Scully. I certainly can't reveal I'm involved with 
both of them...and even that issue is...well...God this is the 
fucking worst.
I was forced today, instead of doing what I wanted to do - which 
was rush to New York - I was forced to play the brave soldier 
and persevere. The good company man. All AD, all the 
time...all...all of it a damn crock of shit. I had to sit there and 
listen to group after group give Scully a politically correct 
amount of concern at the beginning of every meeting and then 
carry on with business as usual. And God help me, I had to 
move on with the agenda in the meetings I had actually 
convened. I sat there stoically and took it in until my teeth were 
grinding down to the gumline. I felt like I was dying inside and I 
had to suffer in complete silence until I wished I were dead. I felt 
like someone was beating me senseless and I had no power 
whatsoever to stop the pain.
And the beat went on. I was privy to the same fucking office 
gossip about Scully getting shot all afternoon one way or 
another. If it wasn't Kim in her well -meaning way, tiptoeing 
around out of consideration for my feelings and how that really 
reminded me of the situation anyway, it was some guys in the 
elevator commenting on how they were surprised it wasn't 
'Spooky' Mulder that got Scully shot instead of Ritter.
Shortly after 5 PM - when I was still at my desk of course, filling 
out paperwork that I didn't get to do because I was in meetings 
all afternoon, Mulder called to tell me Scully was drifting in and 
out of consciousness. The doctors didn't seem overly 
concerned about it due to the severity of her wounds, but 
Mulder was going apeshit. I tried to reassure him that it wasn't 
totally abnormal having had some experience in that area 
myself. So had he, for that matter. I reminded him of that fact 
as well. Mulder wasn't even thinking straight enough to 
remember the times he'd been shot at that point. When we hung 
up he was fractionally more calm and my guts were twisting like 
someone was trying to wring them out to dry.
In the back of my mind I kept telling myself - what a line of 
bullshit. You don't know a fucking thing. For all you both know 
she is going to die and you'll never have...never have what? 
Told her your love for her was...real...a mistake...a...what do 
you feel for her? How can you tell her? How can you explain? 
Like I said - this is...it's too much. It's disgusting and it's such a 
disservice to that brave woman lying in a hospital bed in New 
York. How could I have possibly thought I could just...calmly 
take her aside and rationalize myself to her. That I could 
say...'Gee, Scully, guess what? I know I told you I loved you but 
now I'm confused and I'm not sure anymore - any ideas what 
we should do?' I should have my head examined for having the 
temerity to think it was that simplistic an issue to discuss. I 
should be shot myself for having the issue to discuss in the first 
place.
By the time I left work at 8 PM I wanted to go home, crawl in a 
bottle of bourbon and never come out. Instead...I came here. 
Pastor Joe Gregg gave a service at 9 PM and I attended it. I sat 
here and hardly heard a word of it but I attended it. I didn't hear 
a word because I spent half the sermon praying to God for 
Scully's recovery and the other half praying to Him for guidance 
about what to do with the confusion that's warring in my heart, 
mind and my own soul.
The minute I heard she was shot I did three things. First I prayed 
for her. Then, I blamed myself for ever having pissed Kersh off 
enough to take Scully out of my jurisdiction. Third...I cursed 
myself for not being able to decide my true feelings towards 
Scully now. I'm just starting to curse myself even more for the 
idea that her getting shot is what's brought me here to pray for 
guidance in figuring out my feelings at all.
I mean...I was so sure that I loved her. I felt...I felt that passion I 
feel for Mulder when I was with her up in Crossroads. At least I 
thought I did. I told her I loved her that weekend we were 
together in her apartment. The weekend she told me she loved 
me. Why can't I be sure about any of this when I already 
thought I was positive? Why...why am I such a fucking 
coward...and what is wrong with me? Why can't I make a 
decision in this matter when not deciding is going to hurt the 
people I care most about?
"Walter? Are you all right?" Pastor Joe Gregg interrupts my 
dismal train of thought.
"What? Oh...I'm...I'm sorry, Joe. Are you closing up here?" I 
ask. I lost track of time. A glance at my watch tells me it's 
almost 10:30. I look around and notice that even the last of the 
people who stayed after the service to pray are gone. When my 
eyes move back to Joe and I catch his eyes I know I don't 
mask the pain in mine before he sees it there. He raises his 
eyebrows.
"Not if you'd like to stay a bit longer," he replies kindly.
I swallow and look away from the kindness showing in his face 
for a moment. I'm torn between just sitting here and spinning 
my wheels in the mud of my own mired mind, or seeking 
guidance from a compassionate impartial party. Joe Gregg is, 
after all, my spiritual advisor. He also has a masters degree in 
social work and he's a good friend. If only...if only I could...talk 
about this somehow. If only I could find the words...
"Thanks. Uh...yeah, I guess I could use a few more minutes," I 
reply quietly.
If I have a few minutes maybe I can gather my thoughts and 
make a stab at...at asking for help. Come on Skinner - what in 
God's name is wrong with asking for help? Well maybe 
because the issue I'm going to ask for guidance on involves a 
three way relationship? I have to hope Joe's as liberal as I think 
he is or I'm not going to get very far. But....is this man going to 
judge me? Has he ever judged me before? No. He certainly 
understands about gay issues. He is gay. He knows I'm...well 
that's the 64 million dollar question, isn't it? Am I gay? Bi? What 
am I besides a pathetic bastard right now? A lost soul? 
Yeah...well that's as good an answer as any. Ok. In that 
case...here's the man I need to talk to I guess. Joe interrupts my 
mental gymnastics again and I run my hand up under my 
glasses rubbing my eyes as he speaks.
"Walter...you look like you could use a friend tonight."
I chuckle a bit and shake my head in self-deprecation.
"Yeah...I guess it's pretty obvious isn't it?"
"Well...you do look just a little more bilious than usual," he quips, 
trying to lighten things by alluding to my reputation for being a 
contentious bastard. We've joked about it before. For 
instance...I rib him about telling the world's worst lame jokes and 
he parries with how I never laugh at any jokes, so what 
difference does it make if his are bad or not.
His remark does make me attempt a smile and then I nod and 
turn to look at him. My smile dies on my lips.
"Actually, Joe, I could use a friend, a pastor and a social worker 
tonight," I reply gruffly, my terse response masking my distress. 
"I...I really would appreciate some guidance from somewhere," I 
add more softly.
Joe Gregg pats my shoulder briefly and then removes his hand.
"No problem. Look - let me lock up and then we'll go over to my 
office in the parish house. I can make some coffee and we'll 
talk. How does that sound?"
"It sounds like a very good idea," I reply gratefully.
"Ok. Great. I'll just be a few minutes then," he replies with a 
smile.
I nod. As Joe gets up to make his rounds of the church, I sit 
back and shut my eyes in silent prayer. I ask God to give me 
the strength to reveal to this man something I'm not sure he's 
going to understand because I don't really understand it myself.
xXx
"You take yours black, right?" Joe asks as we sit in his office in 
the parish house. I've taken a spot on the small couch as he 
busies himself at the coffeemaker he has placed on top of a 
bookcase next to his desk.
"I see you have a new PC," I observe, making idle small talk.
"Yes, I've had it about a month. All the bells and whistles on 
board. Makes keeping records a snap."
"Makes playing fantasy football a snap too, doesn't it?" I reply, 
giving him a raised eyebrow and small grin.
"You've got me there," Joe laughs as he carries my mug of 
coffee over. He hands me the mug and then takes his own 
back to his desk. He sits down in his office chair and raises his 
mug.
"Cheers," he states, smiling.
"Skoal," I reply, raising my mug in return. I take a drink of the 
coffee and then study the mug for a few moments.
Joe sips his coffee and waits patiently. I continue to stare. He 
swallows and then injects a quiet comment.
"Walter...as always - anything said here stays in here. You know 
I treat things discussed in this office as totally confidential."
I nod, still considering the coffee level in my mug. Finally I look 
up at him and grimace in disgust.
"I don't know where to begin," I sigh, putting the mug down on 
the low table next to me. I rub my hands up and down my 
thighs, smoothing my pants in a reflexive gesture as I try to 
think of just the right words to describe my quandary.
"Well...I remember you mentioning you were taking Fox to see 
your family over the Fourth. Did it go badly?" he asks, probing 
in order to help get the discussion rolling.
I nod. "Yes, we went out to Judge's Point. Things were...well 
let's say they were rocky at first - at least with my mother. 
Sylvia and her family are fine with the idea of me being gay and 
Fox being my partner. But, my mother wasn't thrilled at the 
prospect of having to face the reality that I'm gay much less 
meeting her new son-in-law. And I'm embarrassed to admit that 
I didn't handle it well either."
"You said at first," he replies, gently.
"Yeah, that's the good news. By the time we left the situation 
was a great deal better. I actually believe my mother is going to 
come around. She does like Fox. I have confidence she's going 
to accept my preferences and our relationship. Besides...that 
artist I told you about asked her to marry him and..."
"Marry!?"
"Yeah, I'm going to have a stepfather around Christmas," I 
reply, chuckling. I still can hardly believe JD asked Esther to 
marry him. But I'm really very pleased with the idea. I like the 
guy a great deal and I can tell he's going to do right by my 
mother. He adores her and from my mother's actions the 
feeling's obviously mutual. So, I'm very happy for them both.
"I take it this pleases you?" Joe asks, chuckling as well. He 
takes another sip of his coffee and then puts the mug down on 
his desk.
"Oh yeah. JD's a class act. I think he'll make my mother very 
happy."
"That's excellent, Walter. I'm really glad to hear it," Joe enthuses 
sincerely.
"Yeah, it's comforting to know she'll have someone in her life 
again," I reply.
"Well, we've discussed the ramifications of coming out to your 
family. Back last year when you were planning on telling 
them..." 
"Right," I interrupt. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I 
mean...I'd hidden it for so many years. It had to have been a 
shock. But...I think things are going to be fine now..." I let my 
voice trail off. I reach for my mug of coffee. As I'm drinking, 
Joe attempts to focus me in on the problem again.
"So if it wasn't the trip and introducing Fox to your family that's 
bothering you...um...is it you and Fox? Problems with the 
relationship? I've noticed he hasn't come to church with you 
again. Not that it matters to me of course...from a non-spiritual 
viewpoint I mean," he states, teasing gently about not seeing 
Mulder in church. 
Joe takes his ministry seriously even though he doesn't 
proselytize. I know he'd like to see Mulder in church because he 
genuinely thinks it would help him. I've told him a bit about 
Mulder's past and Joe feels as all ministers do I guess, that the 
Unitarians might have something to offer Mulder towards 
finding inner peace. But of course no matter how much Joe or 
even I want to have Mulder attending Sunday sermon there's 
only one person who'll be able to get him there - and that's 
Mulder himself.
"Our relationship is...Joe, seriously...I can't even begin to 
describe how happy I am with Mulder. He's...that's not the 
issue," I reply, shaking my head.
"All right..." he begins.
I put my mug back down on the side table and then turn to him 
again. I can't help myself. I just blurt it out.
"Mulder's bisexual and he's involved with a woman as well."
Oh fuck. How could I have just said it like that? Where's that 
much vaunted self-control, Walter? Christ on a crutch.
Joe stares at me for a second, blinks and then sits back.
"Uh...ok. And this isn't impacting the relationship?" he asks, a 
hint of confusion in his voice.
"It would be if I wasn't involved with her too," I reply, quietly. I 
capture his eyes. I refuse to look away. If nothing else I'm not 
ashamed of what's gone on with me and either of my lovers. I 
could never be ashamed that either of them was willing to share 
themselves with me.
"I take it that's the issue," Joe replies, running a hand through his 
curly black hair.
I sit back and let out a long sigh. Well this is the crux of the 
matter. Now that it's out in the open I do relax just a bit. Just 
saying the words gives me the strength to go on talking about 
the relationship. I marshal my thoughts and speak.
"It's the issue that's been eating me alive, Joe. Mulder's had a 
relationship with this woman for quite some time. The 
relationship...well let's just say it's as important to him as 
anything we have between us...maybe, maybe more so in 
some ways. At any rate, he'd been involved with her before we 
became an item. Mulder finally told me about their relationship 
and...well I can tell you it was like dropping a fucking bomb 
between us," I reply.
"I would imagine it was a uh...surprise. Did you ever suspect?" 
"No. I mean I knew he was very close to this woman but I never 
dreamed he was sleeping with her. I...I thought it was more a 
brother sister thing or something. I...maybe I just wanted to think 
that or whatever. In any case I was oblivious to the fact he was 
with her...and when he was with me there was no question...well 
there is no question he loves me. So, I didn't have a clue."
"So...he has a good relationship with this woman? He loves her 
as well?" Joe asks.
"He's devoted to her, and she's devoted to him. She...she's a 
wonderful woman too, Joe. She's...well if you met her you'd see 
that she's fantastic. Intelligent, compassionate and passionate 
too really. She's just...just great," I reply, looking down.
"It sounds like you care for her a great deal, too," he replies 
carefully. "Does...does this woman care as strongly for you as 
well?" 
I wince and look back up at him.
"That's just it, Joe. She told me she loves me and...and I don't 
know what I feel towards her right now. I...Joe, this is really 
complicated. All I can tell you is that I...I'm confused as to how I 
can even be with her. I'm sleeping with them both. I've told 
them both I love them. I told her I loved her, Joe, and now...now 
I...I just don't know. And that's such a disservice to her. 
She...she deserves a hell of a lot better," I reply miserably, 
shaking my head. Thoughts of Scully lying wounded in New 
York start to well up in my mind and I feel my face flushing with 
emotion as my heart feels like it's cracking in my chest.
"Walter..." Joe begins.
"Joe...she's...she's an FBI agent too. She was shot in the line of 
duty today. She...she may die, Joe," I choke out, tears thick in 
the back of my throat. My eyes tear up and I shake my head, 
trying to beat them back.
"Shot? Dear God," Joe exclaims. "You were here praying for 
her tonight then?"
"Yeah," I manage to hiss out.
"Then let's...let me say a quick prayer for her now, Walter. 
What...what's her name?" Joe asks, slightly flustered.
"Dana Scully," I reply, blinking back the tears in my eyes.
Joe bows his head and I do as well.
"Lord, I ask you humbly to offer your strength to Dana Scully 
tonight. Watch over her, protect her and help her to heal in both 
body and soul. Bring her back to the people in her life who care 
for her deeply. I offer my thanks and remain, as always, your 
obedient servant. Amen."
"Amen," I mumble. "Thanks, Joe," I add softly as he raises his 
head.
"My pleasure," he smiles in return. "Look...uh...would you like a 
shot of whiskey in that coffee?" he adds, clearing his throat.
"No. I...I have to drive home. But don't go without on my 
account," I reply, shaking my head.
"Oh...that's all right. Why don't I just get us another shot of 
caffeine?" he suggests.
I nod and Joe rises, retrieving both our mugs and walking over 
to the coffeemaker again. I cough to clear my throat as well.
"I don't suppose you counsel too many people involved 
in...uh...this kind of relationship?" I ask to his turned back as he 
pours coffee.
"Well it's not conventional...but you'd be surprised the type of 
issues that show up in counseling. If you're concerned that I find 
it odd...or that I'll criticize..." Joe begins, stirring Sweet 'N Low 
into his mug.
"Joe, I know you don't judge...I'm just...oh shit...I don't know 
what I'm saying," I reply, swiping a hand over my mouth.
Joe turns and walks back over, my mug extended in his hand. I 
take it and he returns to his chair with his mug. Both of us drink 
some coffee and then he speaks as I hold my mug between my 
hands.
"Walter, I know you realize I won't stand in judgment over you. 
I'd be a hypocrite not to mention a self-righteous bastard if I did 
given the circumstances. It's obvious that as a gay man my 
ministry is unconventional to begin with. So, I'm not going to sit 
here and criticize your situation," he replies with a chuckle.
"Good point," I reply, letting my lip curl up in a small grin. 
"Walter...I take it though that part of your confusion involves 
your sexuality. You're...you believed your feet were at last 
planted firmly in the gay camp and now..."
"No shit," I interrupt. "And now here I am again - sitting on the 
fence concerning my preferences," I reply. God, it seems like 
I've spent half my fucking life sitting on one fence or another. 
It's a pretty disgraceful state of affairs when it comes right down 
to it." 
"Just like when you were married to Sharon is what's running 
through your mind I'd think," Joe suggests kindly.
"Exactly. When I married her I thought I loved her too. I 
certainly enjoyed being with her. I even enjoyed the sex. I've 
since thought about Sharon and my relationship a lot though. 
I've come to the conclusion that I was probably trying marriage 
as therapy to 'cure my homosexuality' instead of marrying her 
because I truly loved her. You know...find the right woman and 
you'll certainly go straight. Well...that was a crock. It didn't work 
no matter what I told myself about being with her."
"You know, Walter...I won't disagree with you and say that the 
homosexuality of either partner doesn't break up marriages. It 
does. Obviously if either partner would prefer to be with the 
same gender that can have a severe impact on a marriage."
"It was a big factor in our divorce," I reply, putting my coffee 
cup down again.
"I can understand that it was a factor, yes. But, I should also 
say...sometimes no matter what the reason, marriages fail. We 
try in our counseling to save them but they fail anyway. It's 
unfortunate but sometimes marriages fail and it's not always the 
fault of either party and there is no clear-cut reason such as 
infidelity or revelation of sexual orientation or what have you," 
Joe comments. 
"You're saying the couple may not have been compatible in the 
first place?"
"It seems like that at times, yes," Joe admits. "You never like to 
say it but I've run into that possibility a few times."
"Well...I've acknowledged that possibility myself lately too, 
believe me. It...it's the one explanation I can find for why I might 
feel about Scully the way I do," I reply, nodding. 
"Maybe...maybe Sharon wasn't the right woman for me after all 
and...and Scully...oh hell. I mean, bisexuality? I just got used to 
the idea I was homosexual."
Joe chuckles a little.
"Walter, by your own admission, it took you years to admit you 
were gay. I'm not surprised this new wrinkle is setting you back 
on your ass," he replies, taking another drink of his coffee.
I shake my head in self-deprecation. Maybe it's because I did 
live so long hiding my true feelings about my sexuality. Hiding 
my true feelings about a lot of things but my gender preference 
the most. Maybe I'm so used to hiding my emotions and 
preferences from the outside world that I'm now hiding them 
even from myself. What if I'm so...what? So repressed that I 
can't even realize I'm in love with a woman and a man at the 
same time? Too conflicted to admit I want both Mulder and 
Scully in my life, in my bed? Joe speaks and his words mirror 
my thoughts.
"Do you think it's an impossibility you could be attracted...be in 
love with two people at the same time? It's not unheard of you 
know. There are some religions and cultures where the concept 
is celebrated, after all," Joe interjects, a little good-natured 
gibing coloring his tone.
"You're talking plural wives I think, Joe...it's not exactly the 
same situation," I argue.
He shrugs.
"All right. Ponder this then. I think bisexuality is part of the 
human condition. I believe our sexuality isn't a cut and dried 
state of affairs when it comes right down to it. There are all sorts 
of factors that govern our sexuality. It's a gray area at best, and 
scientists don't even understand all the effects of nature versus 
nurture and what have you. I think our preferences, even our 
gender itself is more a matter of degree than fixed at any one 
point along a sliding scale of measurement. Personally, I prefer 
men but that doesn't say that your sexuality can't allow you to 
enjoy women as well as men. You're just at another spot along 
the scale. It's just not that finite a choice...and it's not abnormal, 
Walter. It's just a fact of life," Joe explains.
"Mulder has said pretty much the same thing," I reply, musing. 
"Well you did mention he was a psychologist. We've probably 
read a lot of the same articles on the subject under similar 
circumstances," Joe replies, with another gentle chuckle.
I've heard Mulder say this a number of times before of course. I 
didn't really tune him out. I heard him...and I discounted the idea 
because I was firmly entrenched at the time in deciding I was 
gay and that was the end of the discussion. It's not like I don't 
believe him either. I can see the evidence of bisexuality right in 
front of me. I know Mulder is able to express love for both 
Scully and me equally and without any apparent hang-ups 
about it. It still amazes me how he can focus his full attention on 
the person he's with at the moment to the point where you are, 
without question, his whole world. But he does. Maybe...maybe 
that's part of my problem here. Maybe...maybe I don't think I 
can do the same thing. But hell...haven't I done that already? 
Didn't I...wasn't I completely with Scully when we were 
together? Wasn't...didn't we...maybe...maybe I can.
"You know...I do care very deeply for Scully," I reply carefully. 
"That much is obvious, my friend. I'd say...well, in my humble 
opinion, I'm not sure I can differentiate the amount of caring and 
compassion you've shown for her tonight from the word love, 
Walter," Joe replies quietly.
I look down at my hands.
His words strike a chord. Something profound washes over me 
in that moment. I've heard the word epiphany bandied about 
before but never really set much credence in it. Now...I'd have 
to admit if it exists...I'm having an epiphany for sure. I realize 
quite simply...I can't really differentiate it from love either.
Maybe I should just not worry about rationalizing and analyzing 
what I feel with Scully. I should...let myself live for a change. 
Let myself be human for once. I should let myself...seek 
happiness like any other person.
It's a terrible thing to admit that Scully getting shot is the reality 
check I needed to make me face this simple fact. But the 
combination of her being shot and Joe's words have done what 
I haven't been able to do for weeks. They've pointed out just 
how much I do care for Scully and that I'd be lost...utterly bereft 
if she was gone from my life. If that constitutes love for 
her...then yes, I do love her. I think a voice has been telling me 
this in the back of my mind all this time. I guess up until now my 
own self-doubt, fears and confusion may have been drowning 
out that voice.
"Listen...I realize it's not a conventional thing...wanting to have 
two people in your life not to mention in your bed, " Joe adds. 
"Many people would say it wasn't possible or wasn't proper 
or...well it wouldn't be accepted in some circles," Joe begins.
"And you're suggesting I...I ignore the 'naysayers' and...."
"I'm suggesting you listen to your own heart. If your heart is 
trying to tell you that sharing your life with these two people is 
the right thing for all three of you...I think you need to examine 
that idea very closely before you let the 'naysayers'...or your 
mind decide to reject it," he finishes, smiling a little at me.
"I...yeah...I can see..." I start to tell him I can see where he 
might just be correct when my cell phone beeps. I scramble to 
dig it out of my pocket. I flip it open and tab the 'Send' key 
quickly.
"Skinner," I bark into it.
"Walter...I have someone who very much wants to say hello to 
you," Mulder's voice comes to me over the airwaves.
"What?" I reply, confused, hope swelling in my chest.
"Walter?" a weak voice whispers into my ear.
"Dana!?" I exclaim.
"Hey...Batman," she whispers again.
"Hey, yourself. Now...don't talk...don't...put...put Mulder back 
on," I babble, almost speechless that she'd even attempt to talk. 
I know from experience she has tubes stuck in practically every 
orifice. I hear a rustling as Mulder divests her of the phone. He 
speaks again.
"Before you rip my head off, big guy, she insisted on talking to 
you. She wanted to let you know she was ok. She wouldn't take 
no for an answer," he explains.
God, that's just like Scully. Stubborn. Just as damn stubborn as 
Mulder. Hell yeah, she's stubborn, it's what's making her fight to 
live. God bless her. God...thank God. I know I have an idiotic 
grin on my face as my mind wraps around the joy that Scully's 
alive. I glance at Joe and he's smiling back over the rim of his 
coffee.
"So...her...her prognosis is good?" I ask, falling back on 
formality to cover the fact that I'm about to break down in tears 
of joy. In a second I don't even realize Joe's in the room 
anymore. The whole world suddenly coalesces to just the cell 
phone connection, my thoughts of Scully and Mulder's voice.
"Yeah. The doctor says she's going to recover fully. She's 
weak, but the...well she's doing very well. Remarkably 
so...it's...I could venture a bad pun and say... it's 'spooky' 
but...it's remarkable according to her doctor. At this rate, she 
might be out and back home in a week or so."
"Well you tell her I said she's going to take the 8 weeks medical 
leave. I mean, she's a doctor she should know..."
"Walter...don't worry about it. I...I think she's convinced she 
needs the time off. She's as sore as hell. Margaret's here too 
now so Scully's being read the riot act from that direction as 
well. I think she knows we have strength in numbers on this 
point...even though she's giving me the middle finger salute as 
I'm telling you this." 
I chuckle a little but then grow serious. I want desperately to say 
something to Scully at this juncture. I want to tell her directly but 
in her condition I'm torn between having her conserve her 
strength or having Mulder hand her the phone so she can hear 
what I have to say. I err on the side of being conservative, clear 
my throat and speak to Mulder again.
"All right. Look...uh...tell her...tell her I...I love her, all right?"
"Uh...sure," Mulder replies, trying to mask the doubt in his voice.
I glance at Joe and nod, coming to a decision. I focus on the 
cell phone again and reply, my voice filled with intense sincerity.
"No...seriously. I'd tell her myself but I don't want her to exert 
herself even holding that cell phone, understand? Tell her...tell 
her I love her and...Mulder...we'll talk about it when you get 
back. We...we have a lot to discuss. Just...just tell her," I 
ramble, cursing myself for not being able to explain myself 
better or more fully over the cell connection.
"All right," Mulder replies, hope in his voice.
I hear him telling Scully my sentiments and her mumbled, 
somewhat lengthy reply. Then Mulder tells her to get some 
sleep. In a moment he comes back on the phone and he 
chuckles when he does.
"What?" I ask, perplexed.
"Well first of all she said to tell you she loves you too. And then 
she told me to get my ass back to DC and show you how much 
we both love you since she can't do it herself right now."
I shake my head and then the tears do come. They slide down 
my cheeks.
"Is she resting now?" I ask, my voice rough with emotion.
"Finally. I couldn't get her to rest until I called you. She didn't 
want you to worry any longer," Mulder replies quietly.
I nod, speechless.
"Walter, are you all right?" Mulder asks.
"I am now, babe," I reply, wiping under my glasses with my free 
hand.
"I hear you," he whispers and I can hear the tears in his voice as 
well.
"You...you hanging in there?" I ask, concerned for him.
"Yeah...I...I'm fine. Maggie's been a big help. We've been 
leaning on each other's shoulders."
"Good. Uh...give her my regards," I reply, smiling a little at the 
idea that Margaret probably has her hands full. She's more 
likely knocking heads than leaning on Mulder's shoulder.
"I will. I...I planned on staying but Margaret's insisting I go back 
to DC. She knows I'm down here without authorization and..." 
"Yeah, well she's right...not that I'm going to give you a hard 
time about it. But she has a point."
I hear Mulder sigh. He's AWOL and he knows it even if I 
applaud the situation. I'm not the man who'll have anything to 
say about it anyway. Kersh is going to have Mulder's ass in a 
sling for haring off without permission. I hope it won't be for long 
though. I hope Kersh's head's going to be on a platter and 
Mulder's rushing to New York in support of his partner is going 
to get lost in the OPR backwash. But better to be safe than 
sorry. He should be in the office Monday if at all possible. With 
Maggie Scully on the scene and Scully doing so well he can 
come back and bide his time. Once we assess the situation he 
may even be able to return to New York. We'll see.
"I know. I'll come back tomorrow morning after I check in with 
Scully. I'll...I'll come to your place and we can talk," he replies, 
quietly.
"Ok. I'll see you then," I reply, nodding.
"Walter?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"I love you," he whispers.
"I love you too," I reply smiling. "Get some rest, you sound 
wiped out," I add gruffly.
"Yes, sir," he replies, his love for me belaying the teasing 
comeback. "Night."
"Night," I reply, severing the connection.
I flip the cover on the phone slowly closed and then pocket the 
cell. I shut my eyes for a moment in relief.
"I'll offer my thanks," Joe comments.
I open my eyes and smile at him.
"I think we both should," I reply. He nods and we both bow our 
heads again.
xXx
Saturday, July 17, 1999. 10 AM. NYU Medical Center
"Good morning, sunshine," I greet Scully as I enter her hospital 
room.
"Boy Wonder," she whispers.
She looks much better this morning. Less pale. But she's still 
weak and it's not easy for her to talk around the tubes.
"Thought...going back," she wheezes.
"I couldn't leave without seeing my best girl," I smile drawing 
close and sitting on the chair that's pulled close to her bedside. 
It's still warm. "How's your mom this morning?" I ask chuckling 
a little. She glances where I shift on the chair seat and then 
gives a small smile in understanding of how I knew Maggie had 
been there. "Wait, don't answer that...let me guess...breakfast?" 
I add mindful of her condition and not wanting her to overexert 
herself.
She nods. "You?" she asks and then she inclines her head 
towards her IV. "Join me?" she adds with another smile.
"No thanks. But...I owe you one as soon as you get back to 
DC." 
"No Denny's" she replies, coughing a little.
"You got it," I reply, grinning. I take her hand and hold it for a 
few minutes. Her eyes close and I think she's fallen asleep. But 
after a few seconds they open and she smiles at me again.
"I am going back later," I tell her quietly. "I don't want you 
chewing on my ass for abandoning Walter."
"Smart," she replies, swallowing a little.
I squeeze her hand and smile. She squeezes mine weakly and 
nods a little.
I let go of her hand and brush the hair back from her forehead. I 
bend over and carefully kiss her there, pressing my lips gently 
between her raised eyebrows.
"Don't look so surprised, Red," I chide her when I pull back. 
"You know I'm crazy about you," I add, stroking her face. I 
move my hand down to take hers up again.
"Goofball," she murmurs, but her eyes are dancing. I bow my 
head for a moment and swallow. When I raise my eyes to hers I 
pour all the love I feel for her into them. She studies my face 
and I feel her hand shaking a little in mine.
"Scully...sometimes I know I joke about...about what we have 
together maybe a little too much. You know...the smart-ass, 
sexual innuendoes and teasing and such. I...I think I should 
have my head examined for not telling you more often, more 
sincerely and seriously how very much I do love you. How 
much...how much you mean to me. And Jesus, you must think 
I'm a totally insincere cretin right now. I...I should be kicked in 
the ass for waiting to tell you when you're lying here after..."
"Shhh," she hisses, squeezing my hand more strongly. She tries 
to say 'Mulder' but she can't quite manage to get that out. She 
shakes her head in anger at her own inability to convey her 
words and I wince as I watch her try to add to what she said. 
"S'ok. I know," she finally sighs and I feel my own throat grow 
tight with emotion.
God, how can she think about forgiving my being such an 
ungrateful, insensitive...the words of objection are on my lips 
like an automatic reflex before I even consider how idiotic it is to 
debate her under the circumstances.
"But Scully..."
"Shudhup," she slurs a little..."Shut...up," she enunciates more 
clearly. "No doubt," she repeats, her eyes flashing. "I...know," 
she finishes. She shuts her eyes and swallows hard. When she 
opens her eyes and captures mine I know she's telling the truth. 
My heart fills with emotion and I can barely speak.
"Oh God," I whisper, bending forward to place my head in the 
crook of her neck. I place my head there carefully, on the side 
away from her wound and kiss her tenderly. "I...I love you so 
much...I..." I add, emotion choking off my voice before I can 
say anything further. Scully nods against me, and brings her 
hand up. She makes a comforting sound in her throat and then 
strokes my hair gently as I cry into her soft, warm skin.
xXx
Saturday, July 17, 1999. 7:30 PM. Walter Skinner's apartment. 
Crystal City, VA
Mulder helps me clear the table of the take-out Chinese food he 
picked up on the way here from the airport. He arrived at the 
apartment shortly after 4 PM. I took one look at him and made 
him take a nap. I'd slept late and was a lot more fresh than 
Mulder. He looked like shit warmed over...well...you know what 
I mean. He had that 1000 yard stare.
He woke up around 6:15 and looked and sounded a whole lot 
better. By 6:30 we'd nuked a couple of plates of the Chinese 
and sat down to eat. We ate our meal in relative silence, making 
only small talk. I think both of us were still shell-shocked and 
needing to decompress was just as much on the agenda as 
eating. We didn't eat a whole hell of a lot, but just sitting 
together, poking at our food and talking about baseball seemed 
to help us relax a little. We would get down to the real business 
of the evening soon enough. I knew I had a lot I wanted to say 
to Mulder. It would be better if we were both relaxed before I 
did.
Mulder stayed on a little longer in New York in order to talk to 
Margaret again before he caught the commuter shuttle back to 
DC. Margaret is arranging for Scully to come stay with her 
when she's released from the hospital. I think that's a good idea. 
Margaret will ride herd on her headstrong daughter and make 
sure Dana at least pays lip service to her allotted sick leave. I 
have some plans in regards to that leave as well. It's one of the 
things I want to talk to Mulder about tonight.
"Walter, why don't you go sit down in the living room and I'll 
bring some coffee out?" Mulder suggests as I put the plates in 
the dishwasher. I shut the door and stand up.
"Yeah, that would be great," I reply, smiling. The coffee's 
brewed already so he can just fill a couple of mugs and join me 
shortly. He nods and I turn and stride off into the living room.
I'm seated on the couch for only a few minutes when he comes 
in, carrying the mugs of hot, fragrant Sumatran coffee. He 
hands me a mug and then sits down next to me on the couch. 
We both sip our coffee and then he slumps back against a 
corner of the couch and turns a little so we can talk.
"So..." he begins mildly, taking a nonchalant posture as he 
watches me. "I take it we have something to discuss."
I can tell he's keyed up though. He's fidgeting with his coffee 
mug. When he notices me looking he stills his hand on the mug 
handle self-consciously and stares at me in expectation.
"Relax...it's good news," I reply, putting my mug down on the 
coffee table.
"Well...it...it kind of sounded positive last night," he replies 
quietly, studying me intently.
"Yeah. I...I went over to see Joe Gregg last night..." I begin. 
"You went to church?" Mulder confirms.
"Right. Joe had a service last night at the Unitarian church. He 
does on Friday nights sometimes. So, I went over there 
and...well I prayed for Scully," I explain further.
"So did I," Mulder murmurs.
"You...you prayed for her?" I ask him carefully.
"Yes. I went to one of those meditation rooms at the hospital 
and prayed for her too. I figured... I had a feeling you might be 
doing it and you know...if it's good enough for you...uh...I 
thought, why not?" he shrugs, looking down into his coffee.
I feel my face flush with emotion. It pleases me to know he had 
the faith to pray and that I helped him to realize he did. I nod as 
he looks back up.
"Thanks, babe," I mumble.
He smiles and nods a little. I sense modesty in his attitude. He 
doesn't want to make a big deal about taking this step. I can 
also tell however, that despite this step he's not quite ready yet 
to commit to that regular go to church every Sunday scenario. 
Whatever. I'm not going to quibble about it. He runs a hand 
through his hair and then waits for me to speak again. I give a 
small nod and continue.
"Well anyway, after the service I stayed on and went over to 
Joe's office to talk to him. I...I wanted to ask for guidance 
about...about Scully."
"About your relationship with Scully?" he asks carefully.
"About whether I had a relationship...or rather wanted to have a 
relationship with her, yeah," I reply, capturing his eyes. I know 
what he's going to say. I can see it in his face. His next words 
confirm my idea.
"Walter, please don't take offense, but...I assume you trust Joe 
Gregg to be discreet?"
Bingo. Yeah, I know my lover.
"It's like doctor/patient confidentiality, Mulder. Even if he was 
only a minister and didn't have a Masters in Social Work it 
would still apply," I answer, touching his knee gently to let him 
know he hasn't offended me.
"Oh yeah, I forgot he does counseling through the VA hospital, 
as well. I guess that's double the discretion," he replies, trying to 
make a lame joke to cover the fact he's embarrassed he had 
doubts in the first place.
"Right. So anything that was said will be held in confidence." 
Mulder nods again. "And what was said?" he asks quietly 
focusing on me again.
I take a deep breath.
"I think I needed an impartial viewpoint on the question of my 
feelings for Scully. And please...that's no reflection on your 
opinion, Mulder....don't take offense there either. I...listened to 
what you had to say...I just..." I shrug, not sure what else to say. 
"It's ok, Walter. Uh...sometimes a person just needs a different 
perspective," he replies, understanding in his voice.
"Christ I guess so," I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. "I just 
couldn't work it out on my own or by listening to what you had to 
say on the matter. I was stuck. So, I sought out independent 
counsel. I...I guess I needed that and maybe the reality check of 
Scully being shot to make me face what I really should do here. 
That's fucking embarrassing too - that she should be on death's 
door before I get off my ass and admitted what I've been...what 
I've been trying to come to terms with in the weeks since she 
and I've been together." 
Mulder chuckles a little and I watch him give a self-deprecating 
shake of his head.
"I said something very similar to her this morning at the 
hospital," he explains as I raise an eyebrow.
"What did she say in return?"
"She told me to shut up and she knows I love her," he mumbles, 
looking down. He places his mug next to mine on the coffee 
table. "I thought the same thing, Walter. It's a sorry state of 
affairs when you wait until a loved one is lying in extremis 
before you tell them you love them without making it a joke or 
into a...a sexual innuendo," he adds with a measure of self-
disgust in his voice.
"No shit," I reply, shaking my head, my own self-disgust heavy 
in my voice and body language.
Mulder stills his head and looks at me.
"Are you saying you've decided you do love her?" he asks 
immediately, picking up on my meaning with no trouble at all.
His voice is so full of hope and desperate longing that it's almost 
painful to hear. I know he's wanted this for a long time. I had 
thought I was loving Scully for him - telling Scully I loved her to 
please Mulder I mean. But now I know at last, that I'm doing it 
for myself and Scully. Oh sure, I'm doing it for all of us in the 
end, and Mulder isn't influencing me - it's my decision. I can say 
I love her and know it's my own mind telling me so. I do feel a 
sense of grateful relief, however that I'm able to fulfill his wish 
without doubts or recriminations as to the motivations.
"Yeah...I...love her, Mulder. Joe helped me to realize that I 
should consider what my heart was telling me about all three of 
us. That if my heart told me that wanting to share my life with 
you both was the correct thing to do, then I should listen to it 
before the 'naysayers' or my own mind rejects the idea. I...I 
think he was right. I want to believe he was right because I do 
know in my heart...I'd be lost without you both," I murmur. "God 
knows...God knows it's about time I tried to find some peace 
and happiness in my life, Mulder. I...I want to...I want..." I can't 
go on anymore. I look away and Mulder moves close, putting 
his arm around my shoulders and pulling me to him. I rest my 
head on his neck. When he speaks I can hear the tears heavy 
in his voice.
"All I want is for you to be happy too. I've been so 
selfish...so...such a bastard to think of my wants and needs 
before yours and Scully's. I...I was willing to abide by whatever 
decision you made in the matter. Now...now I'm...well I've 
wanted to hear you say this and hoped you would for weeks. 
I...God I love you both so much and I appreciate you saying this 
more than I can ever say," Mulder replies in a rush of emotion 
filled words.
We hold each other in silence then for quite some time, letting 
the words sink in and regaining our composure. Finally I 
extricate myself from his embrace and pull back to look into his 
eyes.
"I do have a favor to ask you though," I state quietly.
Here's where I tell him my idea regarding Scully's sick leave. I 
hope he agrees because I really want to carry out my plan.
I feel like I need to spend additional time with Scully - alone. I 
want to take some quality time to reaffirm my feelings for her 
and to also explain why I've been acting so strangely...almost 
avoiding her over the weeks since we were last together at her 
apartment. Oh sure, work interfered most of the time...but even 
the few times we could have met for dinner or some other 
casual date, I avoided it out of fear of hurting her if I revealed 
what was going on in my head. So I really want to take her 
someplace and explain my actions because I think she 
deserves an explanation. I want to give her my undivided 
attention so we can solidify our part of the relationship before 
we're thrown into some further turmoil and I don't have a 
chance to show and tell her how much I really do love her under 
the proper circumstances. Ok - I want a little romanticism here. 
It's...it's just something Scully engenders in me, I guess.
I'm hoping Mulder will understand the idea. I think he will when I 
explain I want to take her for a long weekend in Crossroads and 
if he'd like he can join us after we've had some time alone 
together. I want this too because...because I really need to 
know if I'm capable of handling what a real three way 
relationship will mean. This will be my baptism of fire so to 
speak - but at this point I think I need the short sharp shock to 
get with the program. I'm certainly willing to try. And I just think I 
may succeed. I think we'll all succeed. 
"Favor?" Mulder asks.
"Yeah," I begin, pausing a second to gather my thoughts. 
"Uh...when Scully's close to the end of her recuperation...I want 
to ask her to go up to Crossroads again. Dennis and Phil 
mentioned they're going to Europe around that time. I'm going 
to check with them and see if we could use Dragon's Roost. I 
want...I'd like Scully and I to have some time alone together 
to...to get reacquainted and...uh...well, to just help me get used 
to the idea we're...involved again, I guess," I explain, studying 
his face.
He smiles at me.
"You don't need my permission to be with her, Walter. Take her 
to Crossroads. You have my blessing," he replies simply.
"Do you think she'd like to go?" I ask. I'm assuming she would 
but for all I know she may think taking a trip this close to being 
shot isn't advisable, or she may not even feel up to a trip 
anyway.
"You'd have to ask her...but I have a feeling based on her 
actions in the hospital where you were concerned she'd be 
more than happy to go," Mulder replies with a grin. "She really 
was upset about you being worried about her. That and she 
knew you'd be beating yourself up over not being able to come 
to New York as well."
"I wanted to come..." I reply, letting my voice trail off with a 
shrug.
"I know that big guy, so did she. Like I said - I think she'd like to 
spend some quality time with you for a change too," Mulder 
assures me.
I sigh in relief.
"Thanks," I reply, smiling at him as well.
"Don't mention it. When I go back to New York, I'll tell her to 
make sure she takes her vitamins," he teases, reaching again 
for his coffee cup.
"Hey, asshole, if she's not up to it we're not gonna be doing the 
wild thing, believe me. I was just thinking...you know...some 
walks on the beach and such to build up her stamina. Quiet time 
to talk. I bet she'd like to go into Derry again and..."
Mulder laughs.
"What?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"You should just see your face. You've got it bad, Walter. How 
you could ever think you didn't love her, I'll never know," he 
replies, his face wrinkling in good humor.
I laugh as well and shake my head.
"Yeah, whatever," I smile, trying to gruff my way past the 
almost blinding pleasure of realizing at last that I do love Scully. 
"Look, is she really going to get out in a week?" I add, 
redirecting Mulder's focus.
"Right. The doctors are rather amazed she's recovering so 
quickly. I...I don't know why but I'm chalking it up to Scully 
being tough as nails, luck and hey...why not...the power of 
prayer. In any event, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. 
She's doing great and Maggie expects to haul her home in 
around a week."
"That's fantastic," I nod. "I...that's just great," I add more quietly.
"So, you want to arrange with her to go to Maine? I can try to 
cover with Maggie. Maybe tell her I'm taking her up there to 
Crossroads, that a couple of your friends loaned us the house 
for the weekend. I could drop her here and you two could drive 
up together." 
"That might work. Why don't we discuss it when she's back 
here and rested a bit more. Maybe she'd like to suggest another 
location, even," I suggest.
"Sure, sounds like a plan," Mulder replies, nodding.
"And Mulder..." I prompt, drawing his attention back to me.
"Yeah?"
"Wherever we end up...I...I'm going to ask her if it's ok that you 
join us after we've had some time to be alone. I'd like...I think I'd 
like..."
"You want to uh...reacquaint yourself with the idea we're a trio 
again as well?" he replies cautiously.
"Right. And I don't necessarily mean in bed. I...I want to just get 
used to the idea that I have to communicate my feelings to two 
people now...at the same time. I mean that may sound 
simplistic but...hopefully you know me well enough to 
understand I find it difficult sometimes to accomplish that kind 
of personal sharing with you even. Doing it with two 
partners...well..." I let my voice fade off. It's not going to be 
easy. It wasn't easy when we were together before. It's never 
been easy for me to let my guard down completely. To allow 
myself to be vulnerable, to reveal my soul to them both. But I 
very much want to do it. I feel I need to do it or...or lose myself 
again to self-doubt, fear and the despair of being isolated and 
lonely even when I'm not alone.
"I understand...I...I'll be glad to do whatever you want to make 
this more easy. Why...why don't one of you call me if you want 
me to come up," Mulder replies sincerely.
"All right," I reply, nodding.
Mulder yawns suddenly and I smile a little.
"Shit, I'm sorry. Long day - even with the nap," he states, 
stretching. "But hell, it must have been for you too," he observes 
as I crack my neck.
"No problem. You want to turn in?" I ask him, stretching my 
arms up and behind my head.
"Sure. Would you mind if I shower first though? I've got that 
airport sticky feeling. You know...like I've got jet fuel oil in my 
pores?"
I laugh and lower my arms.
"Help yourself. I'll clear up here and then meet you in the 
bedroom."
"Good deal," he replies, smiling. He darts forward and kisses 
me on the cheek. I swat his ass when he gets up. As he heads 
up the steps towards the bathroom, I pick up the coffee cups 
and make my way to the kitchen.
xXx
While Mulder's showering I go in and take a leak. It doesn't take 
me long and Mulder seems inclined to take a long shower, so I 
strip and toss my clothes in the hamper. I watch him scrubbing 
his naked body for a few moments in avid appreciation and 
then I proceed to wash my face and hands and brush my teeth. 
Mulder starts to sing off-key in the shower stall. It's some damn 
song by 'Weird Al Yankovic' and I start to spit toothpaste trying 
not to laugh at the crazy lyrics.
Once I get done wiping up spatters of Colgate, I exit the 
bathroom. On my way to the bed, I turn off the overhead light in 
the bedroom. When I cross to the bed I also turn off one of the 
night stand lights. The room is bathed in a soft glow from the 
remaining night stand light and the bathroom light.
I take my glasses and watch off and place them both on the 
night stand on my side of the bed. I glance at the night stand on 
the opposite side. Mulder's watch, wallet, ID, spare change, cell 
phone and gun are all piled up over there. I smile at the clutter. It 
used to annoy me but now it's a pleasant sign of his being here 
with me and I don't mind it at all. I glance around and notice that 
despite this disarray, he's placed his clothes neatly over my 
silent butler and tucked his shoes underneath. The guy's trying I 
think. Maybe he's finally learning a little something in regards to 
being orderly from yours truly I muse, smiling to myself.
I pull the bedding back and climb in, reaching for the TV remote 
with one hand as I pull the covers back up to my waist. I fish the 
remote off the other night stand and turn the TV on. Flipping 
through the channels, I settle back propped up on pillows 
against the headboard to watch CNN.
After a few minutes, Mulder comes out of the bathroom, naked 
and toweling his hair dry.
"CNN?" he asks, glancing at the TV as he scrubs over his head 
with the towel.
"Yeah," I reply, letting my eyes travel over his long, lean body 
as he finishes toweling off. He places the towel over the 
baseboard on the bottom of the bed. Man, I really go for what 
this guy has to offer. No matter how tired I am he makes my 
cock jump every time I see him like this, casually naked in my 
presence.
Mulder has the grace of an athlete even in repose. I'll never 
have that lithe leopard-like grace that he possesses. Oh I know I 
have a muscular build, a hard, conditioned body that gives me a 
certain attraction I guess. I've been told that before by women 
and Mulder as well. I guess if you were going to compare me to 
a particular animal it might be a bear. Mulder said lion or maybe 
it was a tiger once...but shit...nothing compares to his catlike 
grace and what it does to me.
But, it's all in the eyes of the beholder I suppose...and right now, 
I behold the man I desire and it both pleases and excites me to 
want him and know he wants me as well.
"You want to watch something else?" I ask as he moves up 
from the foot of the bed to stand on the side of the bed opposite 
me. He watches the TV for a moment and scratches his chin.
"How about the early local news? We can catch the weather 
report. See what tomorrow's going to be like," he suggests 
looking back at me and smiling.
"Sure," I reply, smiling as well. I flip the channel and place the 
remote on the bed between us. Mulder nods and lifts the 
covers, climbing in next to me. I reach over and turn the light off 
on my side of the bed. The room is bathed in only the light from 
the bathroom and TV. Mulder snuggles down and cuddles close 
under the covers. We settle in to watch the news together in 
companionable silence.
The weather report comes on at last. The forecast for tomorrow 
is very favorable. Sunny and not too hot. Mulder makes a 
pleased noise in his throat.
"I thought maybe we'd do something tomorrow," he mumbles 
from under the covers. "You know...just take a drive in the Jeep 
or go out to lunch...something."
"Yeah, I'd be up for a drive," I reply, shutting off the TV. I toss 
the remote onto the night stand and move down under the 
covers to lie facing Mulder. "Lunch...whatever you want to do. 
Maybe...maybe club 219 later for dinner. We won't stay out too 
late."
"I'd like that," he smiles, toying with the medallion on my neck. I 
look down at his hand where he fingers the cross inlaid in the 
metal. I reach and still his roving fingers, stroking them with my 
own.
"You know, Mulder...I feel like I've been...been given new 
strength to go on now. No matter what happens...with Scully 
and you by my side I can face it," I whisper.
He nods.
"I feel that way too," he replies. "I...well you know how I feel 
about wanting you both with me...in my life I mean. It's going to 
give me the strength to fight on as well."
We both stare at each other for a few seconds and then he 
moves in close and presses against me. I take him in my arms 
and we kiss passionately. I can taste mint flavored Crest 
toothpaste on his tongue and it reminds me of a fresh wind. A 
wind that's moving through my soul, cleansing it of all the 
darkness there and bringing in the light of a new day after it.
We part and he smirks at me in the half light from the bathroom. 
"Not as tired as we thought, I guess?" he quips, rubbing his cock 
against mine.
"Guess not. Besides...what was that remark Scully made 
about...showing me how much you both love me?" I reply, 
grinning wolfishly at him. I know he really likes my 
smile...especially when it has a little...biting promise behind it? 
Yeah, that would be accurate I think.
"Oh yeah...I'd better take her up on that idea. If I don't she'll give 
me hell about it later," he chuckles, stroking my chest.
I grow somber for a moment, thinking of Scully and how we 
almost lost her. God, I want her too I realize. I want her whole 
and healthy and alive and back with us again. Mulder studies 
my face and touches my cheek.
"It's ok, Walter. She...she really did want us to be together 
tonight. If you're thinking that this isn't..."
I shake my head. "No...I...I don't feel it's wrong to make love 
tonight. I know she'd want us to be together. I was just thinking 
about almost...well about almost losing her and how much I 
want her back and healthy again."
Mulder nods.
"God...yeah...I've...I...I know what you mean, Walter..." he falls 
silent, swallowing back the emotions coursing across his face. I 
touch his cheek.
A lot of people think Mulder is weak or needy...overly emotional 
and self-centered. That he's...I don't know...psychologically 
fragile? It's a mistake to see him that way. Oh sure, he can be 
obsessive, compulsive and selfish. Shit...so what? Those 
qualities are just part of Mulder. If anyone thinks I'm not adult 
enough to see past them or recognize them as qualities that he 
doesn't exhibit at all times, what does that say about how they 
see me? That I'm a fool? So besotted by love that I'm 
unobservant or unrealistic? That I feel like the world has to 
revolve around Mulder or that he even thinks I should feel that 
way? That's a load of bullshit if I ever heard it. Cut me some 
slack. No, I know where Mulder is coming from and I have for 
years. I choose to indulge him sometimes and God knows...he 
indulges me as much as he rebels against me...even on the job.
Look, the man wears his heart, his passions, on his sleeve. He 
has a passionate, sensitive nature that most men, myself 
included, aren't quick to reveal. I don't think that's a bad thing at 
all. For one thing - it allows him to be intuitive and that's a 
valuable asset in the work we do. So, it's a useful trait, being 
sensitive. It's a trait I'm working to improve in myself as a 
matter-of-fact. That's right, you heard me. It's a struggle too.
What, you think I'm a passionate, sensitive man already? Oh 
yeah...right. I just hide it extremely well that's all? Sure...I do 
have a sensitive side - it's in here somewhere...buried really 
fucking deep. Oh, come on, get serious my friends. Something 
that no one sees might as well not be there. My reputation for 
taciturn stoicism is well-earned, ladies and gentlemen. I've had 
to maintain it to survive over the years. For better or worse I've 
become a tight-ass in private as well as in public whether I 
wanted to be or not.
My more sensitive feelings were in the closet as deeply as my 
gender preference. Hey, look - my fucking marriage didn't just 
fail because of my sexual preferences alone. It also failed 
because I was so uptight and closed off I couldn't talk to Sharon 
about anything that was eating me up...eating us up...much less 
my homosexuality. 
So don't think otherwise - my passionate nature has been 
stultified for years. I suppressed it deliberately and now I have 
reason to regain it. Now, I want to be passionate with Mulder 
and Scully too. If I can't be passionate anywhere else I can at 
least be passionate with them...and to hell with the rest. Our 
love for each other will allow me to explore my own sensitivity 
again and I will have one place where I can be free and reclaim 
what I've been missing all these years. My hopes, my 
dreams...my wants and needs, and the fact that all of them are 
important again. It's a new lease on life, folks. A second 
chance. And you know what - if I wasn't a strong man making a 
new connection with his buried emotions, I couldn't even make 
these fucking statements. So I feel good about that idea too. 
Mulder's sensitivity doesn't make him any less strong inside 
than I am. He is strong...like iron sometimes. And we're similar 
in that he does try to rein in his feelings - especially around me 
because he thinks I appreciate that kind of...'strength'. That I 
admire his ability to control himself when it counts. I suppose in 
a way I do. I know at least that I've given that impression on 
occasion due to my past track record for having a stiff neck. 
But let's face it, unfortunately society does often expect you to 
'be strong and take it like a man' - especially in our line of work. 
I can and do...and Mulder does too.
But, deep down...I admire his passionate nature. His sensitivity 
and the times he's mercurial and impulsive are laudable 
qualities. Those qualities balance my stoicism and as I 
implied....draw me out to be more free with my emotions as 
well. I don't see it as a weakness. I see it as an asset and I'd 
rather he never lose the ability to feel things deeply.
After all, look how long it's taken me to admit I can feel things 
as deeply as well. If I was more like Mulder...well...no...that isn't 
really possible anyway. Life marks each of us with our own 
experiences. No person is the same...it's what makes 
relationships interesting, exasperating on occasion, but 
interesting...and joyous too. It's what makes me love 
Mulder...and Scully also for her unique qualities including her 
loyalty, faith and compassion leavened with piercing intellect. 
Mulder and Scully's very individual natures are what makes me 
love them both. I wouldn't really want to criticize the very 
essence that makes me admire and love them.
So, no...I don't see Mulder as some kind of weak, fragile 
partner. He's got hidden resources of steel. If he thinks by not 
talking about how frightened he was in New York will help us 
both to cope with our worry and fear, he'll keep his mouth shut. 
I'd do the same thing of course...for better or worse it's the way 
of the American male. But...I'm beginning to think that maybe 
it's not the good or the right way. Not anymore.
"Babe..." I murmur, "come...come here," I add, seeking to 
comfort him. I want to let him know that it's ok if we both feel 
the pain at almost losing Scully. It's fine if we do - especially if 
we do it together. "I know...and it's ok. Really. I never want you 
to think you can't...can't tell me when you're hurting. You 
understand, Fox? It's all right. Please...let's...let's not hide this 
shit anymore, ok?"
He nods and lets me pull him against me. I stroke his hair and 
he sighs, relaxing into my body again. His breathing evens out 
and so does mine. For a few moments there's nothing more 
important than holding each other and the sensation of our 
hearts beating practically in unison as we seek comfort in each 
other's warm embrace.
After a time, I feel Mulder stir in my arms. He pulls back, and 
looks into my face. I can see in his eyes that he understands 
what I was trying to say. He whispers, "I love you," and then 
places his head on my chest again. I rest my hand on his back 
for a few more minutes, reveling in the feel of his skin under my 
fingers.
Finally we start to touch and stroke each other. Our hands 
roam, caressing and arousing, teasing with the promise of what 
we both know we want to have happen next. We kiss hungrily, 
sliding our tongues together, tasting and sucking on each other's 
mouths. We only stop for a moment to kick the bedding down 
off our bodies. Mulder uses the break in the action to quickly 
retrieve the Astroglide from the night stand drawer as well, and 
then we lie back down together. We draw close and kiss deeply 
again. His hands splay open on my back. I run my hands over 
his ass and he moans into my mouth.
Our caresses quicken. There's a sudden urgency to our 
exploration. I look in Mulder's eyes and I see the desire to lose 
himself totally in this experience with me. I know the same 
thoughts are mirrored in my eyes. I want him in me. I want to 
feel connected with him completely so I can lose myself in him 
as he loses himself in me. I want us to feel alive on this basic, 
primal level. I want us to celebrate our love so we can drive 
back the pain and fear we've been living through since Scully 
was shot. I can tell that Mulder wants all this too.
We roll, wrestle, grind together and wrestle some more. Our 
legs slide over and under each other. Our cocks too. We end up 
with Mulder above me, cradled between my legs. We capture 
each other's eyes as our fingers entwine and our hips meet. 
Mulder raises up on his arms, holding my hands down in his as 
we rock together. I smile up at him and he grins wide. It's a 
beautiful sight to see him enjoying us so much. He releases my 
hands and sinks down into my arms. I hold him close and he 
kisses my neck as we slide against each other.
In the heat of the moment we end up wrestling some more just 
for fun. I flip Mulder over and give his body my thorough 
attention as well, exploring him totally with my hands and 
mouth. He writhes below me, arching up at each touch and 
moaning when I work on that spot on the inside of his thigh next 
to his balls that I know he particularly likes. I tease him when I 
reach his cock, just barely brushing it with my lips. He laughs as 
I flick the head with my tongue. He's still giggling as I move 
back up and suck on his neck. He whispers a suggestion in my 
ear and I chuckle. Sure...why not, I think, and we shift on the 
bed into a 69 position.
It's not something we've done before, sucking each other's 
cocks, but what the hell, it's worth a shot. We go at it with 
enthusiasm but it quickly becomes quite clear that neither one 
of us is going to be able to concentrate well enough to do it right. 
We end up laughing and sputtering. It cracks us up so badly we 
have to give up and alternate going down on each other instead. 
We stop short of bringing each other off and then end up face to 
face again, touching and caressing until we regain some 
control. When we're more calm we move in for another soul 
searing kiss. Mulder throws a long, lean leg over my hip and we 
press together, seeking total contact between our sweating, hot, 
hard sex.
Finally we somehow end up spooned together, Mulder in back 
of me and hugging me tight. He rocks against me, his cock 
nudging between my ass cheeks.
"I want you, babe," I murmur as he presses close, his breath 
playing harshly on my neck. I feel him nod and he releases me 
briefly. I hear him fumbling with the bottle of Astroglide. A 
moment later, two warm, slick fingers press against my anus. I 
pull my knees up tighter. I moan softly as Mulder works his 
fingers up my ass, spreading me deftly for penetration.
"Oh yeah...that...that's it," I hiss through teeth clenched in 
pleasure. He pumps his fingers in and out and we rock together 
enjoying the feeling. He adds a third finger to the other two and 
repeats the process. Oh God. I love having him do this for me. 
He's got finger fucking down to a science. He works me 
expertly for a few more seconds and then whispers in my ear.
"I'm gonna try four," he warns in a low, intense voice. I hear him 
taking up the bottle of Astroglide and then a slick, warm stream 
of more lube flows down his hand and in between my ass 
cheeks.
I nod and take a breath as the pressure against my anus 
increases. I relax and exhale, feeling the fullness of that fourth 
finger entering me. He pushes forward steadily, putting all four 
fingers in really deep.
"Oh God," I whisper as he stills his hand against me and lets me 
get used to the sensation.
"Ok?" he asks quietly, kissing my neck.
"It feels so good," I reply. He smiles against me and then kisses 
my neck some more. He brings his free hand around and rubs 
my nipples a little. Finally he moves his free hand down 
between my legs and massages my balls and the underside of 
my straining cock. He pushes his four fingers into my ass until 
all that stops his hand from going further is the base of his 
thumb. Christ...it's....it's phenomenal. 
"You really like this full feeling, don't you?" he asks, nuzzling my 
ear.
"Yeah...it's...damn....it's the best, babe," I mumble, arching back 
into his hand and clenching my inner muscles around his 
fingers. God, it is good too. Even more exquisite as he flexes 
his fingers gently inside me. Waves of pleasure pulse from my 
ass to my cock and I grunt and rock back and forth where both 
his hands are touching me. 
"You'd like something bigger than my cock in here wouldn't 
you? Something really big in deep, right?" he whispers, licking 
at my neck.
"God, yeah," I sigh, not even bothering to deny it.
Sure, I'll admit it. This idea has been a fantasy since we've been 
together, I've just never expressed it until this moment. Hey, I 
was embarrassed at first to admit I wanted it up the ass, all 
right? I guess I was just as embarrassed to admit that I wanted 
to be penetrated with something large. The idea of Mulder doing 
that for me and then jerking me off is such a turn-on it makes 
me want to explode. Trust Mulder to know what I'd like, though. 
I shouldn't have worried about it. He's enough of a hedonist to 
pick up on my fantasy and get a kick out of it anyway.
He nods.
"I thought so. I've thought you might like that for a while now. 
We...we need to work up to that though. It takes...a little more 
preparation," he replies in a low husky voice. "We'll get there 
eventually though...count on it," he adds and I feel my cock 
twitch with the promise of those purred words.
"Just thinking about it makes me hot," I rumble back. He 
chuckles into my ear.
"Yeah me too," he assures me. "I want to pick up a couple of 
things before we give it a try though. Like...a couple of different 
sized 'toys' to use," he suggests seductively.
"Oh yeah...I like that idea," I reply, moving back against him. 
"Jesus. I can't get over how good your fingers feel," I comment, 
my voice rough with arousal. I'm really getting off on having his 
strong fingers up my ass and on my balls.
"I'm glad," he whispers. "You want me to move them some 
more?" he asks, quietly.
"Yeah...that...that felt fantastic."
"All right," he replies and I can hear the smile in his voice as he 
kisses the back of my neck again.
He moves the fingers in my ass back slightly and then forward 
again, repeating the motion a few times with a slow pumping 
motion. He continues to toy with my balls, rolling them around in 
their sac. I groan, rocking back and forth again in pleasure as 
he plunges the fingers up my ass in deep and rests them inside 
again. Finally I'm more than ready for him to fuck me and as 
always I come straight to the point.
"Oh man...give me your cock," I groan as he nuzzles my neck. 
He kisses me and gently removes his fingers. His warmth is 
gone for a moment as he retrieves the bath towel from the end 
of the bed. He wipes his hands and tosses it back.
"Ok, lover. I'm gonna pull you into my lap. Sit up," he prompts. 
Oh man, he read my mind. I nod and move with him as he 
levers up and sits back against the headboard. I get up on my 
knees and back up, squatting over his lap. He steadies his erect 
cock, and I glance around. He's already slicked himself up at 
some point. His cock glistens, ready for me. I position myself 
over it and then place my hand on his length as well.
"Take my hips," I suggest. He does and I guide the head of his 
cock to my anus. I'm loose and lubed enough that I hardly have 
to exert at all as I push down. I feel Mulder's cock slide right in. 
With a short stab of his hips, the head of his hard-on moves 
easily past my sphincter. I push downwards steadily and he 
arches up slightly until I'm sitting in his lap and flush with his 
cum heavy balls.
"Oh yeah," Mulder sighs, pulling me into his arms. He kisses 
along my spine.
"You know it," I reply, savoring our connection.
Mulder brings his hands around and toys with my nipples, 
pinching and rolling them in his fingers. He strokes over my 
chest and down my stomach. It's a little awkward for him to grip 
my cock but he fondles it, wrapping a couple of fingers around. 
He slowly starts to stroke me.
"Jesus, Walter. Can this thing get any bigger? It's fucking 
incredible," he laughs, trying to glance around at my hard-on. 
He pulls up and then rubs his fingers around the glans.
"Can yours?" I chuckle, rocking against him. His cock does feel 
wonderful. It feels like it's really filling me even after the four 
finger prep job.
He laughs again and finally moves his hands so that they rest 
on my hips.
"You ready?" he whispers.
"Hell, yeah," I hiss. I'm more than ready to ride here.
He moves me up, and I lever up, and then back down. We start 
to rock together, establishing a rhythm quickly between his 
thrusting hips and my ass pumping against him.
"Oh...fuck," I grunt as he picks up the pace almost immediately. 
I can feel his slick cock pulling partly out and then plunging into 
my ass over and over.
"Uhhh," Mulder moans. He spreads his legs slightly and digs in 
with his heels in order to get leverage. He's strong. I'm not doing 
all the work with my legs. He's pulling me up and plunging me 
back down on his cock as much as I'm using my legs to rise 
and sink down onto it.
As he really starts to rock and thrust harder, heading for home, I 
take my cock and start to fist myself. I rest my free hand on his 
knee for balance and really jerk my cock. There's still some 
Astroglide on my balls so I gather that up on my fingers and use 
the slick to pull with a rapid, tugging motion.
"Oh yeah...that's...that's it...that's the way...oh 
Christ...oh...fuck...fucking good...just...just...almost...almost...oh 
fuck...I mumble, urging us both on out loud before I realize I am. 
My head tilts back practically without my realizing it as well. My 
neck and facial muscles tighten as I feel Mulder straining behind 
me to hit my prostate. I yank up on my erection and that's it for 
me. I come with a hoarse shout just as he hits the mark inside, 
helping me to crash over the edge. My cock jerks in my hands, 
shooting cum in milky spurts.
"OHGOD!" I cry out, arching back hard, my left hand gripping 
Mulder's knee like a vice. My head falls against Mulder's cheek 
and his hands convulse, clenching my hips to support me. 
Mulder bows up below me and then he comes too, rocking his 
hips fast, his groaning loud in my ear. Both of us thrash against 
each other briefly, moaning and then our movements slow, and 
finally still, as we ride out the last of our orgasms.
At the end, I sag against him and he slides his hands up under 
my arms and around my chest to support my weight as I gasp. I 
bring my hands up and stroke his forearms.
"Jesus that was good," I huff. Mulder laughs and sputters below 
me as he strokes my nipples.
"God, yeah! But...uh...as much as I like holding you..." he 
struggles to speak. I choke a laugh. He probably can't breathe.
"Sure, hang on, babe," I nod. I sit up and he grabs the base of 
his limp cock as I shift. I lever up and spread my ass cheeks a 
little with my hands. Mulder slides slowly out of me. When his 
dick pops free, Astroglide and semen ooze out after it. I try to 
tighten my muscles to stop the flow as I move away from 
Mulder's lap.
"It's ok," he assures me. "I'll get a wet cloth.
I nod, lie down on my back and bend my knees up. Both of us 
are breathing hard as Mulder gets off the bed and heads into the 
master bathroom. He comes back with a wet washcloth and 
turns on the night stand light on his side of the bed before he 
climbs in next to me. 
"Here we go," he smiles, positioning himself between my legs. I 
notice he's already freshened up so he can give me his 
complete attention.
"Sorry," I mumble, a little embarrassed.
"Hey, no problem. It comes with the territory," he replies, 
swabbing between my legs. He wipes and then examines me 
carefully for tearing.
"It feels fine," I venture to reassure him. "I...well...I just seem to 
be..." I let my voice trail off, still disconcerted that I'm dripping all 
over the fucking place here.
He probes with gentle fingers for a few more seconds. When he 
looks up at me again he confirms all's well by smiling and 
patting my knee.
"I had you opened up wider," he comments further. "Uh...if 
we're going to go that way this kind of thing will happen," he 
explains, gesturing towards my ass. "Just make sure you keep 
up the Kegels and maybe...well...maybe we should mention 
what uh...direction we're taking this in to the doctor. If he 
advises against it..." he lets his voice trail off and shrugs his 
shoulders.
I know he'd never want to hurt me. He's always careful, even 
down to keeping his nails trimmed close and filed so the edges 
are very blunt. So, if stretching me too much internally is going 
to injure me, we won't be taking the risk. I can respect that idea. 
I don't want him to worry about hurting me either. I also don't 
want to risk my own health just for the sake of sexual 
experimentation.
"Yeah, you're right. I've got that physical scheduled in two 
weeks anyway. I'll ask him," I smile up at him.
"We'll ask him," he smiles back, swabbing between my ass 
cheeks. 
He takes the towel he was using earlier from the bottom of the 
bed again and then uses it to gently dry me off.
"Jesus, maybe I should get some 'Johnson and Johnson's Baby 
Powder', he quips, rocking back to look at his handiwork.
"Fuck you, asshole," I reply, laughing in spite of my 
discomfiture. "Listen, don't think I don't appreciate it...but I think 
I'll go rinse off," I add, glancing down between my legs. I really 
should. I'm a mess. Mulder must have poured the whole damn 
bottle of Astroglide up my ass as a precaution. Well, I should be 
thankful I guess. It undoubtedly did make that fourth finger and 
half his hand a lot more easy to take.
Mulder nods. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Uh...I'll change the 
sheets while you're in there too."
I nod and carefully slide over and off the bed. My thighs nearly 
stick together as I stand up and stride towards the bathroom.
When I return after having used the toilet and then showered 
and dried off, Mulder has the bed made up passably well. He's 
lying under the covers, waiting for me, the night stand light off 
once again. 
"Everything ok?" he asks, carefully watching my progress in the 
light from the bathroom. I saunter over and climb in on my side 
of the bed. I'm not too sore at all considering the reaming he 
gave me. 
"Yeah, I'm doing all right," I smile at him, rolling onto my side 
and moving close. He shifts to face me and I touch his jaw, 
running my finger along his beard stubble. "Very all right," I 
murmur. I move forward and kiss him gently. He opens his 
mouth and we taste each other tenderly for a few minutes 
before breaking apart.
He lays flat and I place my head on his chest.
"You know what?" I mumble as he strokes my shoulder.
"What?" he replies, suppressing a yawn.
"Don't take this wrong but...I can hardly wait to be with Scully 
again," I reply, smiling into his chest hair.
His arm descends and he smacks my ass.
"You prick. I should be as jealous as hell," he laughs.
"But you're not because you're thinking the same damn thing," I 
reply, laughing.
"Exactly," he nods, stroking where he delivered the blow.
"Yeah, you know...I used to think that what Scully and I did 
together...I mean in bed....was somehow...less...I don't 
know...intense?" I begin, musing.
"You mentioned that at Judge's Point. You thought...well you 
were under the impression that when we're together it was a 
more profound experience," he replies softly.
"I don't believe that now," I reply. "I know it's different...that's for 
sure...but...well..."
"Both experiences are fulfilling?"
"Oh yeah, in different ways but...Jesus both are good."
Mulder nods against me.
"Well, you'll probably have time to test the validity of your theory 
with Scully," he comments, running his hand slowly over the 
nape of my neck.
"Yeah, but actually...I don't think it matters. I...I'm overanalyzing 
it all when it comes right down to it. What Scully and I have...it's 
special too. I know that now. I want to make sure I let her know 
that's the case too," I reply, stifling a yawn.
Mulder hugs me and kisses the top of my head.
"I'm glad, big guy. And...I think she'll understand."
"I hope so. Because man, I've done her an injustice. I really 
want to make amends," I reply yawning wide.
"I think you'll find she's more than willing to listen...and...don't 
worry about it, ok? Really...she's an adult. And she's had plenty 
of practice dealing with...well dealing with men's bullshit...at 
least this man's bullshit," he adds, pointing towards his chest and 
chuckling
"Good point," I rumble a laugh that also ends on a yawn.
"You'd better go to sleep, big guy. You're whacked."
"No shit," I nod.
"I'll see you in the morning," he replies, patting me on the 
shoulder. "Night."
"Sweet dreams, babe," I reply.
I roll over onto my opposite side and Mulder cuddles up again, 
draping his arm over me. He holds me close and it's marvelous 
to fall asleep to the sounds of his regular breathing and the 
touch of his hand where it rests across my stomach.
xXx
Monday, July 26, 1999. 10 AM. NYU Medical Center.
Well I'm standing outside here watching Peyton Ritter seeking 
absolution from the woman he almost killed. It looks to me like 
Scully's actually going to forgive the bastard. Well...that's 
Scully. She's compassionate. I'd just as soon see him lying in 
there than her.
Ritter leaves her side and walks away, coming out the door to 
face me at last. Our eyes meet.
"You're a lucky man," I tell him flatly. Yeah, he's lucky I don't 
wring his fucking neck.
He can't say anything to me but his eyes convey guilt and what 
I hope is remorse. I nod curtly, not letting him think I give a shit 
what he feels and he walks away. I forget about him 
immediately and open the door to Scully's room.
"Hey," I smile warmly, crossing to the bed.
"Mulder," she replies, smiling. No more tubes. No more pale 
complexion. She looks fantastic. I take her hand and hold it 
gently in mine. She squeezes my hand and her strength is 
almost back to normal too.
"Whoa, wanna arm wrestle there, Batwoman," I tease.
"I just might take you up on...something like that," she replies 
suggestively.
I laugh.
"Oh lady...you don't know how soon I hope that's true," I reply, 
giving her hand a squeeze back. I release her hand and then 
pull the chair that's placed near the bed over a bit closer. I sit 
down. "I talked to your doctor. He says you're doing great...so 
Maggie's taking you home this afternoon?"
"Right. I feel fine, really. I even feel idiotic lying here...but you 
know how it is - even after I'm released I'll be riding to the exit 
door in a wheelchair."
"I hear you," I commiserate.
"But I'm good. Tired and sore but otherwise I'm considering 
myself very lucky," she replies seriously.
"We're all lucky," I reply sincerely. "Oh...and speaking of 
all...Walter sends his regards. He...he told me to tell you he'll call 
you when you get back."
She smiles. "Tell him that would be wonderful. I...I really missed 
him."
"Yeah, the big guy missed you too," I reply.
She nods. "So, did Walter give you information on Kersh? What 
happened with OPR?" she asks, curious.
"He told me ahead of time but it was common knowledge later 
anyway. Kersh received an official reprimand for mishandling 
your assignment. Evidently there were some irregularities 
where Peyton Ritter and that case were concerned. I guess if I 
was optimistic and charitable I'd say they're blaming his being a 
skeptic over an X-File on getting you shot. But gee...that 
couldn't possibly be acknowledged as the real reason now could 
it? Well...whatever. What it amounts to is they think Ritter was 
prone to grandstanding and allowed you to go in without back-
up and Kersh should have researched him better, known that, 
and prepped you on it."
She sighs.
"I went to Fellig's on my own...without Ritter's knowledge after 
you called me," she replies.
I raise an eyebrow at her.
"Scully...he fucking shot you," I reply incredulously.
She shuts her eyes and I can tell she's gearing up for a good, 
solid Mulder/Scully debate fest here.
I chuckle. She opens her eyes and arches her eyebrows.
"Look...forget it...I don't want to argue ok? Can we just concede 
that Kersh should have used better judgment than to assign you 
to that grandstanding 'Elliot Ness' wannabe?"
"Well he was an unctuous prick," she concedes, suppressing a 
smile.
"I rest my case," I state with an exaggerated flourish of my 
hand. 
She laughs and then sends the subject on a slightly different 
tangent.
"So, any repercussions from your coming down here without 
authorization?" she asks.
"I got my hand slapped. Three days suspension without pay. No 
big deal," I reply shrugging. Hell, I could have cared less. 
Nothing would have stopped me from coming to her side 
anyway.
She shakes her head in seeming exasperation, but she knows 
why I did it. I can tell she knows and she appreciates it as well 
by the tiny smile on her face.
"Walter thinks Kersh is capable of making further mistakes. He 
thinks eventually he's going to make a mistake that gets us the 
X-Files back," I add quietly. She slips her hand back into mine 
and strokes my fingers.
"I hope so, Mulder...and I hope it doesn't...it doesn't cost one of 
us too much," she murmurs looking down at our entwined 
fingers. 
"I won't let that happen again...ever. Neither will Walter," I reply 
with vehemence.
Her head snaps up, and she captures my intense gaze, the 
defiance in her eyes meeting and matching mine.
"Neither will I," she affirms with equal intensity. "Neither will I."
-THE END - FOR NOW-