From: "Sean Spencer" Subject: New Baccarat Piece: Orchid Date sent: Wed, 26 Nov 1997 18:20:49 PST BACCARAT PIECE: ORCHID By Sean Spencer seans13@hotmail.com CATEGORY: SRA RATING: NC-17 KEYWORDS: Mulder/Skinner, Slash SUMMARY: Besides puppy dog eyes, Mulder and Taylor resemble each other in more ways than one. SPOILERS: None WARNING: Very loving consensual activity between members of the same sex with a healthy dose of authentic medical procedures but NEVER simultaneously! People of the XY ilk should read this with caution. Some use of colloquial words for a certain anatomical area of the body. This story concerns a rare but serious health problem that everyone should be aware of. DISCLAIMER: Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner and Dana Scully are the properties of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox Television. No copyright infringement is implied in their use in this work of fiction. .................... Special Agent Fox Mulder was taking his afternoon run with Taylor in tow. They passed through the usual route: right on Carpenter Street, then north to 61st street, over Carey Bridge then through the park. Then a brief walk through the park to catch his breath. It was perfect fall weather, the afternoon air crisp, the leaves quite pretty. But Mulder hardly ever noticed the trees. To him, the autumn leaves in the Crystal City area couldn't compare to the dazzling array of fall in New England. In fact, the colors were quite dull to him. He was more interested in the people in the park. Some of the street persons he knew by name and he greeted them accordingly. There was a little old lady who always sat on the same bench at five thirty and Mulder always stopped by her briefly. She always looked forward to giving Taylor a pat, and Mulder humored her even when he was in a hurry. The women who rollerbladed past him and made the most interesting come hither turns in front of him, he ignored. Occasionally, one or two would try to draw him in conversation but he would simply continue with his running. Of course, he would be pursued once in a while by these rollerbladed women. If his rebuffs didn't work, he would simply show them his ring. Most of the time, that was enough but it still amazed him how persistent some of the women were even after they saw the ring. Then he would have to bring out his secret weapon. He only had to give a subtle hand signal, and Taylor's friendly disposition would change abruptly. By that time, Taylor's growling, although completely fake, was enough to scare them off. He only had to use his secret weapon once or twice. Mulder really didn't know how he felt about his looks. Sometimes, he felt good about himself, even occasionally venturing into the self-indulgent notion that he was handsome. But most of the time, he thought he looked kind of goofy, because when he saw himself in the mirror all he could see on his face was his big nose. And it really spooked him when he wasn't feeling too good about himself and people, women, would come on to him. It happened sometimes in the numerous airports when he wandered away from Scully to a gift shop or magazine stand. Sometimes, to amuse herself, Scully would aggravate matters by pretending to come on to him, too, when she knew that a particular woman was eyeing Mulder. She said that it was hilarious to see them react by becoming more aggressive. Scully did it, too, because she knew how annoyed Mulder was with these women. The agent knew that part of the ambivalence he felt about his looks was that he resembled his mother too much. It used to bother him how people who knew his mom would tell him that he was his mother's son all right. What he actually wanted to be was his father's son. But then that was an impossibility in and of itself whether in this lifetime or whatever dimension or time warp he happened to be in. Once he recovered his breath, Mulder ran back home taking a totally different route. He got off the park through Eaton Road, left on 58th street, over to Porter Avenue, over the bridge again then back home. All in all, his route was four miles everyday if he got home early enough. After he cooled down, Mulder entered the building and greeted Conroy the doorman. Then he and Taylor entered the elevator to the seventeenth floor and were back home. Once in the apartment, both Mulder and Taylor headed for the kitchen. Mulder drank Gatorade while the dog consumed his own water from his bowl. After the Gatorade, he took a shower. Mulder knew that Skinner's flight was due back past eight o'clock. He was glad that the DD's out of town trips were much reduced now. Skinner was more familiar with the regional offices after a year of being the Deputy Director. After an early dinner, the agent worked on his papers. For the rest of the evening, Mulder was in the study with the ever-present vigilant Taylor only a few feet away. He promised Scully that he would handle the papers for the next three cases. They were always trying to devise a system of equalizing the paperwork. Last time, it was every other case, but Scully said that by the time you finished with one case, it seemed that there was not enough breathing room until the next bunch of papers, requisition vouchers, travel expenses, etc. had to be plowed through again. So now, they were on three cases per partner. It was okay if you were the one resting from the paperwork but it was hell if it was your turn. The piles of receipts and requisite forms were beginning to take shape and Mulder made significant progress on his work. He nodded off after a while and wasn't aware of the time until he felt a light familiar kiss on the back of his neck. "You just got back?" Mulder mumbled as he shook his head to clear it. The clock on his PC read ten thirty. "Yes, the plane was late as usual," Skinner sighed in exasperation then took a sip of scotch. By the crease between Skinner's eyebrows, Mulder knew that the DD had another hard time waiting in the airport. Nothing drove him to distraction more than planes, buses and trains that weren't on schedule. Mulder stood up and gave the DD a brief welcome hug that revealed to him how tense the older man really was. "Do you have to finish that tonight?" The older man asked, eyeing the forms, receipts and papers on Mulder's desk. "No," Mulder said, stowing his papers into his briefcase. "I can work on it tomorrow." Skinner left the study to take a shower as Mulder cleared his desk to make sure he didn't leave any files he might need tomorrow at work. Then he shut down his PC. He told Taylor to stay when the dog poised to follow him out of the study. The Labrador lay back down with a seemingly disappointed expression. Once Mulder got in bed, Skinner started kissing him and there was no mistaking what the older man wanted. In fact, it was what Mulder also wanted, almost desperately. The DD didn't even bother to wear clothes after his quick shower. It was nice like this after a long day. Both of them had the just-showered clean smell of soap and shampoo and with enough of a five o'clock shadow to tickle each other's interesting parts. The older man eagerly pulled down Mulder's sweat pants and boxers while the agent just as eagerly shed his T-shirt. The DD groaned as Mulder flicked his tongue on a nipple and playfully ran his rough chin over the older man's abdomen. Skinner grew very hard quite rapidly and Mulder breathed in the clean scent of his lover's still damp pubic hair. "No, Fox," Skinner breathed and squirmed as Mulder lightly started running his tongue onto the older man's penis. "Don't...I want you so bad, I might..." "Okay," Mulder acquiesced. "Since when..." a brief kiss on the older man's penis "...did you want me?" "Yesterday afternoon," Skinner gasped and pushed Mulder's head away from between his legs. "So when you..." Mulder rose back up to Skinner's chest and busily kissed the broad chest and started tickling the DD under the arms. "...called me, you wanted...me so bad?" "Couldn't you tell?" Skinner groaned as Mulder suckled one nipple then the other. "Oh, that feels so...nice." "Just nice?" "No...great." "Walter?" Mulder stopped for a second. "Do you know you look so cute like this? When you're so hot for me?" "Cute?" Skinner asked with mock indignation and drew back Mulder onto his chest. The DD's hair was endearingly mussed as it could be with his eyes half-closed in pleasure and anticipation. The agent could feel Skinner's thudding heart and chest heaving as excitement built between them. Mulder liked it like this when he could explore the older man's body to his heart's content. Instead of heading for Skinner's genitals, he ran his hands over the inner thighs of his lover who expressed his appreciation quite vocally. Occasionally, he would kiss the hollow of Skinner's hips and up to the tapered waist then back up to the muscular chest. "Did you...get hard when...you wanted me yesterday, Walter?" Mulder murmured into his lover's ear as he proceeded to lick and lightly nip Skinner's neck. "Yeah," Skinner groaned. He continued to lie back as Mulder deeply kissed his open mouth. The younger man was fully absorbed, enthusiastically sucking on Skinner's mouth and running an eager tongue over the older man's teeth and palate. The scent and tang of the lingering toothpaste and mouthwash was agreeable especially with the mingled taste that was essentially Skinner's. Everything about his lover was so clean and all the more fueled Mulder's ardor. A simultaneous thumb on Skinner's nipple, flicking on the small nub seemed just perfect for the DD. Mulder smiled as he was gratified to hear his lover's incoherent groans that went straight into his own mouth. Mischievously, Mulder fondled Skinner's rampant penis again, despite the older man's previous request that he not do so. Skinner helplessly writhed underneath his lover's hands and his deepening kisses. "Come on, baby...let's..." From long association and beloved familiarity, Mulder knew that when Skinner couldn't finish his sentences, it meant that he was too excited and everything might be over before both of them wanted it to be over. He immediately stopped his teasing and looked down on the older man and allowed Skinner to pause and make the next move. Mulder waited and just ran a light hand over Skinner's arms and chest. After a while, he heard Skinner's breathing slow down, but still Mulder waited. Instead, he rose up on the nightstand and got a generous amount of lubricant. He listened and, when he was satisfied that Skinner's breathing had truly slowed down, he took Skinner's heavy erection and applied the Astroglide. He heard Skinner hiss through his teeth as his penis twitched under Mulder's hands. The modicum of control that Skinner regained was to Mulder's benefit. It wasn't long before it was Mulder's turn to gasp and groan as Skinner reached over to him and expertly held the agent's penis into his own lubricated hand. Mulder had to lie back onto the bed and faced his lover. "Walter...love you," he said as his back arched involuntarily. Those words came so easily now after all their years together, through all the happy and sad times. "Me, too," Skinner said as he kissed the younger man's ear. Mulder felt his lover's busy hand between his legs as they faced each other as Skinner applied more of the slickness between the cleft of his buttocks. Mulder was clean inside, which he did before he took his shower after his run. The agent turned on his side with his back to his lover to present himself. He gasped still when Skinner prepared him. Mulder lifted his thigh to part his legs wider as the older man gently inserted another finger. "Love you..." Skinner repeatedly murmured into his ear as Mulder kept pushing his bottom onto Skinner's hand. The younger man raised his thigh higher as Skinner insinuated himself behind the agent. Mulder's buttock was parted and both of them groaned as Skinner's blunt heat finally entered. "Walter..." Mulder couldn't continue with his words. It just felt so pleasurable being penetrated by his Walter, the ever so gentle and ever so slow slick stretching, the loving whispered words between them as they settled their limbs and bodies for each other, Skinner's gratified moans, all served to make Mulder feel whole through every cell in his body. There was no other person in the whole world welcome into his body except Walter Skinner; only his sweet invasions were allowed and wanted. And it was with no other that Mulder allowed himself to respond like this. Although they made love quite frequently, even if all this was old hat, Mulder just couldn't get enough of their being together like this. Skinner's familiar fullness, the well practiced movements, the tickling of his neck from the older man's rough cheek and hot breath, the hand that played on his nipples and strayed down to his stomach and even lower to his erection, and oh! to the tip, all that was nothing new. But for both of them, it was the comfortable familiarity and, by now, predictability which drove them to a thrilling and more heightened experience. As their lazy rhythm started to overwhelm him, Mulder knew without a doubt that this feeling could only happen between a couple after years of being together, never in one night stands or brief months-long affairs. "God, I really love you, Walter," Mulder had to gasp it out again, because he wanted to and because he wanted Skinner to know. Skinner's arms tightened around his waist in wordless acknowledgement of the agent's offering of himself, his whole body and being to his lover just as the DD was offering himself, too. Then just before he couldn't take it anymore, when the heat inside him seemed too much already, Mulder felt Skinner reach down between his legs. The gentle considerate kneading of his scrotum was enough to propel Mulder's coming. He shuddered and keened as he came all over Skinner's hand. He loved the way Skinner's arm tightened over his stomach as the older man seemed to catch him as he felt like falling into space. The agent shook again as Skinner continued his thrusting then finally Skinner came with a roar. "Walter, you're so beautiful," Mulder murmured into the pillow. However, this time, for some strange reason, Skinner didn't even pause long enough for them to regain their breath and cuddle like they normally did. Mulder groaned in dismay as the DD too abruptly pulled out of him even as he was just beginning to soften. "Fox, can you lie back?" Skinner was still breathing heavily and at first, Mulder thought that the older man wasn't finished and wanted to do something else. The agent paused for a moment before turning onto his back as Skinner requested. But Skinner continued to gently touch his scrotum and Mulder squirmed with beginning embarrassment. After all, the mess of his come was still all over him and he wondered why Skinner was doing this. "Did you get hurt down here, you know, got kicked or something?" Skinner continued to hold Mulder's right testis between his thumb and index finger. "No," Mulder answered and started to sit up. "Just a minute," Skinner pushed him back down and briskly wiped away the semen and then felt his scrotum again. "There...right here...can you feel that? Does that hurt? Did you get hit down there in your balls?" Mulder felt Skinner take his hand and place it over whatever the older man wanted him to feel. "It doesn't hurt," Mulder shrugged as he felt the small thickening on his right testicle. It seemed to be less than half a dime in size and he was quite sure that being hit down there was not something he would forget, especially with his memory. "No one hit me there, not even Scully, even if I'm sure she wants to kick me sometimes. Come on, Walter, let's get under the covers. It's getting cold." Mulder sighed with satisfaction as Skinner took him in his arms again. He had to complain once when the DD squeezed him so hard and he couldn't breathe. Then the relaxed, so happy feeling that always came over him after making love seeped through every fiber of his being and Mulder slept deeply, not even noticing when Skinner stayed awake with a slight frown creasing his forehead. .................. When Mulder woke up the next day, he was baffled to find that Skinner was still in bed, watching him sleep. "Aren't you late by now?" Mulder asked as he stretched his joints and muscles. "Can you check, Fox?" Skinner asked with a worried tone in his voice. Mulder paused in his stretching, mystified by what the DD was asking of him. "Check what?" "If you still feel the lump down there," Skinner persisted. To appease Skinner, Mulder sat up against the headboard with slightly parted legs and ran a bored hand beyond his morning erection and onto his scrotum where his right testis was quiescent. He was sure it was nothing. But as he checked this time, it didn't seem like a thickening at all. It WAS a lump. To make sure, Mulder shifted his hands to the left side, which didn't have anything that remotely felt similar to the lump on the right. He ran to the bathroom and urinated, then felt himself again. It really was there. "It's still there, isn't it?" Skinner stood by the door of the bathroom as he apologetically but concernedly watched his lover check himself. "Y-yes, Walter," Mulder was alarmed now. What could it be? "Do you have to go on a case anytime soon?" Skinner asked, sitting on the edge of the tub. "I think we should go see the doctor this afternoon." "N-no, me and Scully, we don't have anything except papers for the next few days," Mulder tried to keep his voice from shaking. He stepped into the shower as Skinner left the bathroom. As he stood under the spray and lathered up, he put a soap-slicked hand down to his scrotum again and felt the lump, which was made more distinct under the lather. He pressed experimentally on it, but it really didn't hurt. What was that? But at his left side, it was just like always, smooth and without a bump or lump beneath the scrotal skin. He felt the start of the unfamiliar cold feeling in his stomach as he toweled off. When he got back to the bedroom, he saw Skinner put down the phone. "You have an appointment at noon, Fox," Skinner said, biting his lower lip. "Cormier wants to see you as soon as possible. I'll go with you." "What-what about the security..." Mulder tried to keep his mind from racing as he slipped into his boxers. Why did Cormier want to see him so soon? Mulder knew the doctor had a busy practice and it sometimes took two days to see him, except when it was an emergency or if the symptoms were really uncomfortable. "I'll handle it, don't worry about it," Skinner said, his own mind thinking of a probable reason why he would have to ditch the security agent at noon. He couldn't allow Mulder to drive over to the doctor alone, especially drive back to the office alone if there was bad news. "I'll meet you at Starbucks at 11:30, okay?" Mulder numbly nodded as he finished getting dressed. Meanwhile, Skinner took his shower. When Skinner finally went down for breakfast, he saw that Mrs. Jackson was already there. Mulder was reading the papers and Skinner noticed that his lover was just drinking coffee, not eating Mrs. Jackson's morning fare. "Walter, I'm going," Mulder rose after a moment, just when Mrs. Jackson left the kitchen. The agent stood up from his chair but bent down to bestow a kiss on Skinner's mouth. But the DD caught his wrist before the younger man could turn away. "Hey...hey, you'll be okay?" Skinner asked, searching Mulder's face, which had that closed look when his lover was trying to keep his emotions in check. "Yes, I'll drive carefully. I'm okay," Mulder tried to sound okay. Skinner still held Mulder's wrist in a tight grip then once the DD made sure that Mrs. Jackson wasn't in sight, he stood up and gave Mulder a brief hug then a longer kiss. "Starbucks at 11:30," he reminded Mulder as he patted the agent on the back. Mulder grimly nodded and left. Maybe it was really nothing, Skinner thought. When the DD felt the lump last night as they were making love, he thought at first that it was nothing. Actually, he couldn't stop himself, because he really was at the point of no return. Of course, he was pleasantly tired afterwards but he couldn't sleep until two hours later. What he really wanted to do was examine Mulder again so once his alarm went off at his usual hour, Skinner instead of getting up, waited for Mulder so that he could make sure if the lump was still there or not. Skinner didn't know anything about lumps in the testicles. All he knew was that lumps anywhere, especially if it wasn't there before, shouldn't be ignored. Skinner was sure the lump was new. He was as familiar with Mulder's body as he was with his own. He automatically ate his breakfast as he thought of the noontime appointment. The DD drank the last of his coffee and got ready to leave for work. When Mrs. Jackson returned to the kitchen, she clucked in irritation when she saw Mulder's full plate. Another nice breakfast wasted. She was sure that the two weren't fighting, they just seemed subdued this morning. She wondered why. Taylor wagged his tail at her, giving her the full brunt of his soulful eyes. She just thought for a moment and shoved the contents of the uneaten plate of food onto the dog dish. ..................... Mulder peered through the window of Starbucks and saw Skinner's familiar form. Instead of going inside, he rapped on the glass, which was enough to catch Skinner's attention. Mulder went back into the driver's seat of the parked Cherokee and waited for Skinner to come out. Instead of heading for the passenger's side, Skinner expectantly waited on Mulder's side. "What?" Mulder asked as he rolled down his window. "Come on, I'll drive," Skinner said, using the old AD tone that told Mulder not to argue. Mulder sighed and got out and handed Skinner the keys to the Cherokee. Once he was on the passenger seat, Mulder just looked out the window. Many times that morning, Mulder paused at work and looked at Scully. What he really wanted to ask her was what it could possibly be down there. But every time he started to open his mouth, words couldn't come out. It happened about three times. But he just shook his head when she finally noticed and asked him if he had something to say. Anyway, he could never ask Scully about his testicles. For all he knew, she might insist that he drop his pants and underwear right then and there in the office and look at it. Besides, he was going to the doctor within a few hours, so he just waited in agony. He was glad that Skinner took the wheel. He had that floating, dissociated feeling that meant he was very apprehensive. They didn't talk. Although once in a while, Skinner would take his hand and squeeze it. There was only one other patient. Once the patient was called, Mulder and Skinner had the waiting room all to themselves. It didn't take long, however, when the nurse called out Mulder's name and told him to go into examination room four. "Mr. Skinner, you can also go with Mr. Mulder, if you want," the nurse said. Skinner arched his brows at Mulder in question and the agent nodded. Later, Mulder and Skinner waited. Mulder put on the hated hospital gown and he sat on the examination table with trepidation. Skinner once or twice attempted to start a conversation where he sat on the couch against the wall. Both of them were too nervous to really talk. When Dr. Cormier entered, he got right down to business. "Mr. Mulder, I heard that you have a testicular mass? Is that right?" he asked as he wrote on the chart. "Yes," Mulder said. "It's on the right side." "When did you first notice it?" Cormier said. "I...Last night," Mulder said. "Walter...Walter was the one who noticed it." "No pain in the area? How about the color of your urine? Any changes?" The doctor had that thoughtful look on his face. Mulder shook his head as a negative answer. "How about your semen, ever notice any blood in your ejaculate or different color?" Mulder shuddered at that question but answered a negative. Dr. Cormier asked more about other symptoms, like any signs of fever or discharge. Again, he asked about any unprotected sex with other people, which Mulder somewhat vehemently denied. "When you were little, do you remember having any surgery in the area or did your parents mention your having to undergo any procedure on your testis?" "No." After the questions, Cormier looked into his eyes and later, he opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. Then the doctor seemed to spend a lot of time checking his neck and collar bone area. Mulder's chest was tapped and listened to, quite thoroughly as well. Then Cormier took one of Mulder's arm on his own and checked each of Mulder's armpits, palpating deeply up each underarm. "Okay, Mr. Mulder, if you'll lie back, I'd like to look at you," Cormier said. Mulder was made more nervous by the fact that the doctor normally had a light tone of voice. This time, however, Cormier was dead serious. From his vantage point, he could tell that Skinner was uneasy, too. This time, Cormier put another sheet over him and pulled up his gown above his abdomen. He likewise took his time examining Mulder's abdomen. When he reached the right and left groin areas, he also checked for whatever he was looking for. Finally, he reached Mulder's genitalia and left no stone as it were, unturned. This wasn't just the simple "cough...next" examination Mulder was more used to. The doctor even used a caliper to get the exact measurement of the lump. And for some strange reason that embarrassed him further, Cormier held a lit penlight against his scrotum and seemed to be looking at him down there, as if he was under a tiny spotlight. Just when Mulder thought it was over, he winced when he saw Cormier apply KY on his gloved finger. "Turn on your side, Mr. Mulder," the doctor said. Mulder complied and Cormier inserted a finger for the rectal exam. And this wasn't just an ordinary rectal exam. For once, it really hurt. "Try to relax, Mr. Mulder. I know it's uncomfortable, but I'm trying to see if there are lymph nodes deep in your pelvis." The agent didn't know that Cormier was actually palpating the very bones of his coccyx and sacrum, looking for unusual irregularities inside. "Okay, Mr. Mulder," Dr. Cormier said as he removed his gloves and washed his hands in the sink. "Please get dressed and I'll meet you next door." Mulder shakily stood up and cleaned himself off. "You okay?" Skinner asked as Mulder dressed. The agent shrugged. He didn't really know what to feel. The doctor met them in his office and showed a detailed genitalia diagram, showing precisely where Mulder's testicular mass was. "Mr. Mulder, there is a definite mass in your right testis," Cormier began. "It is a lump, in other words but there seems to be a portion with cystic fluid. The occurrence of these masses in the testicles are highest for men in your age group, in their early to mid thirties. And of these masses, nine out of ten are malignant neoplasms." Skinner was concentrating more on Cormier's words than Mulder. When he heard the medical jargon, he fully understood the malignant part. "Wait a minute," Skinner asked. "Are you telling us that there's a big possibility that this might be..." Skinner couldn't say the word cancer. "...a malignancy?" "I'm always honest with my patients, Mr. Skinner, Mr. Mulder," Cormier said. "I said nine out of ten. Mr. Mulder might be one out of the ten with a benign condition. The lump isn't fully solid, Mr. Skinner. If you remember, I shone a flashlight on it and it transilluminated some, which means that there is some definite fluid accumulation there. That's a good sign because it might mean that it's a benign condition." "If it's benign, what could it be?" Mulder cleared his voice and sat up in his chair. "It could be a hydrocoele, an accumulation of water, or a spermatocoele, a collection of sperm," Cormier informed them. "But one thing is clear, Mr. Mulder, whether this is a benign or malignant condition, surgical expertise is needed. I'm going to refer you to a urologist, someone specializing in conditions of the male genitalia." "Are you saying that I'm going to get c-cut down there?" Mulder asked. Cormier paused before answering. "Yes, Mr. Mulder, but it's erroneous to think that the surgeon will just remove the testicle at once," Cormier didn't want to sugarcoat the facts. The patient must fully know the initial diagnosis to ensure strict compliance. "That is never done until there is definite proof that a malignancy exists on biopsy. "I do know that some tests will be done first, like blood examinations and X-rays and possibly ultrasonographic studies," Cormier continued. "In fact, I'm going to order the lab tests now so that when you go to Dr. Fisher, most, if not all, your lab exams are complete. Mr. Mulder, I must emphasize that these tests should be done today, because your appointment with Dr. Fisher would be tomorrow afternoon." .................... Skinner drove Mulder to the other side of town where the medical laboratory was. Both of them felt too stunned by the news. Skinner was driving on automatic pilot, occasionally shaking his head to clear it. At the laboratory, after the chest X-ray and CT scans of his chest and abdomen, the lab techs extracted about ten vials of blood. And by the time Mulder got out of the small room, he was quite pale. "I'm taking you home," Skinner said. "You don't look like you should go back to work." When Mulder didn't argue about that, Skinner knew he made the right decision. Mrs. Jackson wasn't surprised to see them home so early. The agent was always so prone to catching all sorts of bugs that she was used to it by now. Some color came back to his cheeks but he still didn't look too well. Skinner didn't know if the previous pallor was due to the amount of blood extracted or the bad news. "Walter, I'll be okay," Mulder said. If Skinner was going to ask him if he was okay one more time, he might just yell at his lover. So he just anticipated the DD's unvoiced question and left it at that. The agent was sitting on the bed with Taylor at his foot. The dog was in dog heaven as Mulder gave him almost desperate pats. "I'll be okay here, Walter," Mulder repeated. "I just got queasy seeing all my blood in those vials. I think it would be better if you went back to the office, don't you?" Skinner reluctantly agreed. As of the moment, both of them couldn't handle an argument of whether he should stay or go back to the Hoover. "Do you want me to tell Scully?" Skinner asked. "No, I-I don't know, just not now," Mulder couldn't decide. "I'll call her and tell her something." He embraced Skinner quite fiercely before they parted. ................ The few hours the DD was in the office that afternoon, he couldn't concentrate. How many more times was Mulder going to land in the hospital? If he truly had cancer, what procedure will the surgeon do? Then the gravity of the situation finally sunk in between meetings. Skinner had to tell Kimberly over the intercom that he wanted ten minutes alone first. He imagined all sorts of scenarios, the worst being Mulder succumbing to cancer and dying within a span of months. Another scenario, no less worse, was Mulder alive but unmanned in the full sense of the word. Skinner knew that men only needed one testicle to be fully functional; a teammate had to have one removed because of a misplaced blow to the area. But what if it was necessary to remove both? Yes, sex was a big part of their lives, but more so for Mulder who was younger and had been enjoying it so for the past years. Because Mulder always was the bottom, they could continue the way they always had, but Skinner knew that testosterone, the hormones of the sex drive, was produced by the testes. Wasn't a eunuch someone both testes cut out? All the troubling thoughts occupied him for the period of solitude he allowed himself before the next round of meetings. When he got back home, Skinner found that Mulder seemed to be all right, but understandably subdued. The appointment for tomorrow with the urologist was in the afternoon. "I'll go alone, Walter," Mulder declared over dinner, surprising Skinner. The DD cleared his schedule for tomorrow afternoon just so he could go again with his lover. "But...you shouldn't," for once Skinner stammered. "No, this isn't Cormier, Walter," Mulder said, meaning that most, if not all of the patients who were going to be in the waiting room were straight. "Besides, the nurse called and said to go there alone as much as possible because Dr. Cooper has a busy practice and the waiting room gets crazy." "Don't worry, I'll tell you everything," Mulder continued. Once they were in bed that night, Skinner took Mulder in his arms and held him for a long time. It had been a while since Mulder needed these long embraces, which was how he was when they were first together. Skinner's arms ached with Mulder's weight in slumber, but he didn't dare move. .................... Cooper's practice was busy, all right. The moment Mulder got there the next day, he thought he was in the wrong clinic. All the patients in the room were old men, men with graying or white hair, deaf men with prominent hearing aids in one ear, men in wheelchairs and men with resting tremors. Was Cooper practicing geriatrics as well? Mulder suddenly recalled a case he and Scully had, with the haunted Excelsis Dei nursing home. He felt so uncomfortable there, especially in the dayroom with all the residents of the nursing home being forced to do childlike activities to keep their hours occupied. All of them just seemed to be waiting to die. He felt more uncomfortable now, because he knew he had something in common with these old men. The moment Mulder stepped inside, all the patients who could still turn their heads turned to look at him. All were probably wondering what was wrong with the young man's plumbing. Mulder tried inconspicuously to sidle up to the nurse's desk but he couldn't with all the careful footwork required not to stumble over the wheelchairs. His chart was already sent ahead by Cormier's office but he still had to fill up a sheaf of papers. The few women in the room were likewise old; they seemed to be wives of the men in wheelchairs. Mulder scanned the room and saw the single remaining seat. He sat down on it and filled up the form. "Boy, what's wrong with you?" A quavering elderly voice boomed beside him, almost making him jump out of his seat. Again, all the heads that could turn looked in Mulder's direction. The old man who seemed intent to find out what was wrong with him had a long cord of hearing aid dangling from one ear. Mulder ignored the man and pretended to be busy with his form. He wanted the ground to swallow him up and he could feel his face reddening. "A nice young boy like you shouldn't be in a place like this," the old man seemed to have strong and loud opinions about Mulder's presence in the clinic. An old woman was trying to appease her husband, giving apologetic looks in Mulder's direction. "But the boy still has a lot of years of use of his co..." Fortunately, the wife's reflexes were still quick and was able to clamp a hand over the old man's mouth just in time. Mulder never thought it was possible, but his face was even redder than previously and he could feel his ears growing hot, too. And his balls shrank even further at the man's words. "Hey, boy, sit over here." Mulder looked up and saw that an old man, but not as old as the one in the wheelchair, was patting an empty seat beside him. Mulder gratefully rose from his chair to escape the vocal wheelchair bound geriatric's gaze. The agent mused that he'd never been called boy so many times in his adult life within a five minute period. "Don't worry about him," his new seatmate whispered. "His head is always in the clouds. And don't think much about what he said about...your...you know. Everyone here is in the same boat and the waiting room isn't always full of old goats like us. Most of the time, there are young children, babies, even. And some of the time, women, too." "You seem to be a veteran with Dr. Cooper," Mulder muttered. "Yup, just like all the veterans here," the old man nodded. "BPH, you know, the affliction of 85% of men by the time we're in our seventies and eighties." "BPH?" "Benign prostatic hypertrophy," the old man enunciated with contempt. "Makes you want to piss ten times a night, if your creaking bones would allow it. It's part of God's planned obsolescence, I guess. But you shouldn't worry about BPH until you're in your sixties, at least. I'm sure that you're not here for that." Fortunately, his seatmate wasn't the prying type and went back to flipping the pages of Modern Maturity. Mulder went back to his form and was astounded at the checklist he had to fill out asking very personal questions about erections, ejaculations, urinations, bone pains, flank pains and a host of other symptoms he never knew existed. Finally, he finished and handed his clipboard to the nurse. He cringed when the nurse read over the checklist before putting it with his file. The moment you surrendered yourself to medical care, you sure lost all forms of privacy. The only reading material left on the side tables were Dr. Seuss books, for the young child patients his seatmate mentioned. So Mulder just sat there, watching the other people. The people were so old and Mulder suddenly thought if he was ever going to grow old like them. Especially with what he had down there. When Skinner was in the Hoover yesterday afternoon, Mulder surfed the net and found information about his condition. It calmed him somewhat that things didn't seem as bleak as he thought. If he truly did have cancer, it was going to be a long hard road ahead. But he was confident that Skinner was going to always be there for him, and that thought soothed him much even more. An old couple was sitting near the window. It was obvious to Mulder that they were a married couple, both white haired already and resembling each other closely, the way long-time married people do. They seemed to be in their own little world, talking softly to each other and their hands clasped in the other. Mulder had a sudden sense of bleakness. He mused if he and Skinner ever reach that age, will society ever allow them to act like that, just like that old married couple? He shook his head to clear it of depressing thoughts and concentrated on the here and now. Don't start comparing you and Walter with the men here, he berated himself. Finally, Mulder was called after a half-hour wait. Again, a very thorough physical examination was repeated and this time the doctor included an ultrasound exam. Dr. Cooper was about ten years older than Mulder with graying hair and piercing, intelligent eyes. He seemed to know his stuff and that was a big help for Mulder in calming down about his condition. But when Mulder left the clinic, he was shaken. The proposed surgery was in two days. Dr. Cooper said he was satisfied with all the lab exams and, despite the thick medical chart that was forwarded by Cormier's office, Mulder seemed very fit for the operation. Mulder was to be admitted tomorrow night. Everything was happening so fast. And only two days ago, at this same time, he was running in the park with Taylor, not even aware that he had this thing growing in him. Mulder had to stop once on the shoulder of the road. He knew he was beginning to hyperventilate and he forced himself to slow down his breathing. ...................... They spent dinner picking at their food as Mulder discussed the nitty gritty of the operation. He seemed to be well informed by now, thanks to Dr. Cooper. The ultrasound did confirm that the tumor wasn't predominantly solid with quite prominent cystic, fluid-filled areas. And the incision wasn't going to be on the scrotum itself; rather, it was going to be in the groin area where the testis was going to be pulled up. Skinner almost gagged at that part of Mulder's narrative. Later, pubic hair would cover the incision so that no scar would be visible. Skinner restlessly paced in the den. Mulder was upstairs packing his things for the hospital. The DD went home early to be with his lover. It wasn't right to just call on the phone and ask the younger man how everything went with Dr. Cooper. The DD sat down and Taylor came over to offer his own brand of comfort. Then in one of the very few times since he and Mulder had each other, Skinner finally let go and wept on the couch. He hoped Mulder was busy packing upstairs and wouldn't barge into the den. Here he was, blessed with relatively good health while Mulder, who still should have many years left, was always in some hospital in one way or another. If it did turn out to be cancer, will Mulder and he be able to take the devastating treatments that inevitably followed after the surgery? He forced himself to stop crying after less than a minute, splashed some water on his face, replaced his glasses and tried to watch some television. It was late by the time he went upstairs. Mulder was already asleep in bed. Skinner undressed quietly and slipped in beside him. The abrupt jerking on the bed woke up the DD a few hours later. It was Mulder in another one of his nightmares. Almost subliminally, Skinner offered a comforting hand, still very much asleep himself. The DD had done this enough times in the past so he didn't even wake up. "Walter, please, Walter." Skinner stirred but couldn't really wake up properly. He just continued to pat Mulder's arm. "Please." The prodding at his side was persistent. It was later followed by kisses on his stomach and chest. It tickled and Skinner finally opened an eye. The room was dark because the curtains were drawn shut. "Wha-?" Skinner wasn't that coherent. "Walter, I really need you now," Mulder answered. That drew Skinner awake. He looked at the time on his bedside clock. It was a little past three. He switched on the light and rubbed his eyes. He started when he saw the very sad face of his lover. "You sure?" Skinner asked. "I'm sorry...I know you have to get up early...Dr. Cooper said we could still make love." "No, Fox, it's okay." "Just don't touch it, please." "Okay...okay...C'mere." They made love slowly and quietly, as if their very actions were dictated by the hour of the night. Mulder wanted him very deep inside him and Skinner tried to oblige as best he could. The older man realized that this might be the last time that they could make love like this with Mulder whole. The dismal thought made Skinner cling to Mulder with mute anxiety. Both of them were too troubled to really let go but in the end, Mulder was able to fall into a deep sleep with the nightmares silenced for the moment. "I love you, Fox," Skinner whispered to the sleeping man beside him. ............................ Mulder was as high as a kite. He wasn't bothered when someone shaved off his pubic hair. He didn't know it but he had a silly grin on his face as the orderly transferred him to the gurney and wheeled him out of the room. All he could see was the white acoustic tiles on the ceiling. Peoples' words were muffled and very far away. The plastic bag of his IV swung crazily from its stand and he wondered why it was so. The close quarters in the elevator didn't bother him either. He didn't know it but he fell asleep on the way to the OR. At first, his sleeping form was parked in the OR hallway, ready to be carted off to the correct room. Another orderly checked his chart and then his ID bracelet, before depositing him farther into the hallway just outside his assigned OR room. "Mr. Mulder," he heard someone say. Mulder opened his eyes and all he could see were the special large lights in the ceiling and disembodied faces that he didn't recognize. The railings on his gurney were briskly detached. "Mr. Mulder, can you scoot over on your right? You need to transfer to the OR table." Mulder willingly obliged, although all his movements seemed to be slow and sluggish. "Mr. Mulder, remember me? I saw you last night in your room when I looked you over. I'm Dr. Nelson." Mulder saw someone with a cap and mask and heavily made up eyes looking down at him. "You're anesthes..." Mulder couldn't say the whole word because his tongue seemed so thick. "That's correct. I'm just going to attach all these wires on you to help us during your operation." Various cold metal things were stuck on his chest, arm and finger. The premedication was working quite well, so there was no trace of anxiety in Mulder despite the fact that he was facing a possible mutilating procedure. They left him alone after that and the disembodied voices floated all around him. He didn't know that the doctors and nurses were idly gossiping, waiting for the surgeon to arrive. There was talk of golf shares, who had a new car, who was sleeping with whom and the latest surgical mishap. "Mr. Mulder, we're going to start," Dr. Nelson, the anesthesiologist told him. "Remember what we talked about last night? Please turn on your side." Mulder didn't remember but he felt them manipulating his body into an exaggerated fetal position. It was okay at first but he gave a violent start when he felt something cold and wet on his back. "It's just the antiseptic," someone said. "Mr. Mulder, you're just going to feel a needle stick on your back." He gave another start when he felt the sting of the needle. But after that, as the anesthesiologist went through the routine of placing an epidural catheter in Mulder's spinal canal, Mulder was quiet. "Mr. Mulder, I'm Dr. Cooper," another masked face went into his field of vision. Later, Mulder found himself on his back again as the anesthesiologist asked him if he could feel anything. The agent had a hard time understanding what she wanted him to feel but it seemed all right with her. When they started pulling him down the OR table, Mulder was beginning to feel slightly anxious especially when they put his legs on stirrups, but he couldn't even ask because everything turned blissfully black. .................... Skinner waited outside the operating room, trying to keep calm and avoiding the strong temptation to pace. There were a few people there in the waiting room. For a while, Scully was with him and it just made him feel worse. Scully was a pathologist after all and the moment Mulder finally told her that he was going to the hospital due to a lump in his testicle, she became as anxious as Skinner. She told the DD that almost always, a testicular lump in an adult was malignant. She had cut up enough specimens and seen them under the microscope when she was a resident. She was in the pathology department waiting for Mulder's specimen so that she could take a look, too. The DD finally couldn't stand sitting down any longer and went over to the machine and got his fourth cup of coffee, even if it was just eight in the morning. All the caffeine in his system was making his nerves shot. .................... The murmur of far away voices and the sound of shuffling feet started to get louder as Mulder emerged from his anesthetic stupor. He wasn't even fully awake when his hand started to stray down to his genitals. But he couldn't feel anything down there because of the thick bandages. He couldn't even feel the left one because all he could feel was the thick tape. He moved experimentally and was surprised that he wasn't feeling any pain at all. When they transferred him back to his room, there was an ominous sensation that was starting down there. He wasn't sure but the heaviness he was feeling was starting to be painful. He gasped when the orderlies moved him from the stretcher to the bed. Everything was still so far away and fuzzy but as his sheets were rearranged around him, Mulder found out that he was buck naked under the sheet. What happened to the gown he had on him in the OR? Through his hazy mind, it bothered him more than the beginning pain in his loins. Something was injected into his IV again and this made him doze off again. Later, when he tried to move in his sleep, he heard someone telling him to keep still. It was night when he fully awakened and this time everything down there REALLY hurt. Mulder remembered the earlier admonition not to move but he couldn't keep still with the deep searing pain below his waist, which was radiating to his gut. The accompanying nausea was much, much worse than anytime he ever got kicked in the balls. He looked frantically around the room for anyone but whoever was there wasn't Skinner, especially with that full set of hair on his head. Mulder groaned involuntarily and the person turned around from the window. Mulder clamped down the next wave of pain when he hazily recognized that the person standing over him was Scully's husband. He must really be in a bad way if John was here, too, Mulder frantically thought. Almost against his will, he felt his hand snaking downwards again. He winced when he felt the unwelcome tug of the catheter. "Fox, Dana and Walter are just outside," John reassured him. "I'll go get them. Do you want some pain relievers?" "Shit, yes," Mulder said through gritted teeth. The nausea mingled with the pain was so bad that he didn't know if he was going to throw up on himself. Scully's face finally swam before his eyes and it was awhile before Mulder realized that he was still holding himself down there. Slowly, he brought up his hand over the bedcovers, hoping Scully hadn't noticed. "Isn't his pain disproportional to the surgery, John?" Scully asked. Mulder suddenly remembered that John was a dermatologist and presumably was more familiar with surgical procedures than Scully. Maybe he was here precisely for that reason. "After all, it was an inguinal procedure and it was just a biopsy." Oh, no, Scully was talking medicalese to him again. When she did that, she could get really detached especially when there were other doctors around who could understand what she was saying. "Scully, it REALLY hurts!" Mulder lashed out at her, sweat breaking out on his forehead. Where was Walter anyway? He gagged but nothing came up. The knotting in his belly didn't subside at all. He turned his head with distaste at the wastebasket John was holding into his face. "I'm going to call Cooper," John said. Scully's husband left the room, leaving Scully at Mulder's bedside. She ran her hand over his forehead. "Scully, where's..." Mulder couldn't continue as he gagged again. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mulder, he just went to get something to eat," Scully apologized. "He had a headache the whole day, after all that coffee he drank. And Mulder, I have good news for you." "What?" He gritted his teeth again. "It wasn't malignant, Mulder," Scully continued to stroke his forehead but she turned to face him so that he would fully understand. "Dr. Cooper only did an excision biopsy and I saw the specimen. It was just a spermatocoele so there was no need for you to undergo the orchiectomy. You're okay." Everything Mulder was feeling was getting so mixed up. There was a profound relief that he didn't have cancer, coupled with the confusion of why he didn't feel so good considering he just underwent a biopsy, because the pain was overwhelming now. He also couldn't understand why Skinner wasn't with him. When he tried to move, because his back hurt from the epidural catheter, the agony seemed to come to a head and an unmistakable sob escaped his lips. "Mulder?" Scully asked, suddenly aware that everything wasn't resolved just yet. "It hurts, Scully, it really does," Mulder's head was shaking from side to side and he didn't care that Scully saw him holding himself. Just then, John returned with the nurse and Dr. Cooper. Mulder was frantically trying to find a comfortable position. "Fox, try to keep still," John said. "We'll just look at the operative site. We'll be removing the bandages." "It hurts," Mulder was panting from the pain. He was frankly crying, holding onto Scully's hand, not minding the fact that his sheets were pulled down with Scully seeing all of him. All he wanted was for the pain to stop. There was a sting of something cold and the acrid smell told him that they were pouring alcohol over the thick bandages to facilitate the removal of the thick plaster. The dressings were thick and took quite a while to remove. But the look on their faces told Mulder that everything still wasn't all right. He had a sudden flashback to the time his thigh gunshot wound developed complications. This time he forced himself to look down and saw that his scrotum was bigger than a baseball. Plus there were actual staples on his skin that made him look like Frankenstein. In fact, everything was so swollen that his penis looked like it was VERY small. "What's that, what's wrong?" he moaned, unable to look at how everything was swollen and bluish like he was rotting at the most sensitive part of him. "I thought I was okay?" "You have a hematoma, Mr. Mulder," Dr. Cooper said. "We'll have to take you back to the operating room to stop the bleeding of the biopsy site." The urologist signalled the nurse and she injected Mulder with the pain reliever. Everything was black again. ............... Skinner sat by Mulder's bedside. He still hadn't finished kicking himself for not being in the room when Mulder woke up that first time. The second surgery, the one performed to evacuate the scrotal hematoma, took only twenty minutes. Now, Mulder was back in the room in less than two hours since his bandages were removed. And Skinner didn't dare leave the agent's bedside in case Mulder woke up again. By this time, Skinner wasn't surprised that his lover had complications of the surgery. It seemed to go hand in hand. Trust Mulder to find a disease and go through its most complicated course. He should have known better than to be complacent once the frozen section result was revealed. Scully was elated and he shared her elation as well. Against his better judgment, he went for a bite to eat and in the less than twenty minutes he was gone, everything happened so fast. When he returned to the room, he saw Scully and her husband and the nurse with Dr. Cooper all crowding around the bed and discussing the second surgery. Mulder wasn't even over the first one and here he was on his way for the second surgery. A deep indrawn breath from the bed told the DD that Mulder was awake. "Hmrph." Skinner stood up and saw that his lover was looking around the room. "You're okay now," Skinner murmured. He was ready with the ice chips. Mulder licked his lips and swirled the crushed ice around his mouth before answering. "No. I'll know I'll be okay when I'm walking out of here, not before then," Mulder said tiredly. "Why do I always get a raw deal when I'm even within a hairsbreadth of a hospital?" "Beats me." "Worse case of blue balls I ever had," Mulder still shuddered at the remembered pain. "And it was even worse when I had to see it. I literally had blue balls." They just held hands for a while in a comfortable silence. "But I really am okay, aren't I?" Skinner looked up at the catch in Mulder's voice. "No cancer, right?" "Right." "So I guess I'll stick around you for a long time, huh?" "You'd better." Although their words were light, Mulder's grip on his hand was fierce. ........................ Mulder's breath frosted in the early winter chill. He was with Taylor again on their way to the park. The bare branches on the trees were bleak, further emphasized by the gray afternoon light of late November. The agent only started running again this week after a lull of one whole month. He found that the enforced rest had cut his stamina. He could only go two miles instead of the usual four without getting really winded. But this wasn't the first time that he was forced to slow down. He knew that by next week, he could probably get back to four miles every other day. He only stayed in the hospital for three days. At first, he was quite dubious that the black and blue marks were going to subside despite the reassurances of Dr. Cooper. But within a week, the marks were reduced to green yellow discolorations and the swelling was resolved by the second week. Mulder later found out that biopsies in that areas were prone to those complications. He just shrugged it off. He felt he was too lucky just to have something benign. Taylor was eagerly bounding alongside him. As usual, the tall blonde with the pink ribbon in her hair was sashaying around him, behind him and beside him as they rounded the quiescent fountain. As far as Mulder could tell, Pink Ribbon had been trailing him all week. Mulder shrugged at that, too. He was just too happy to be alive. END OF BACCARAT PIECE: ORCHID Orchid - anatomical synonym for testis -------------------------------------------------- "A beacon in the night." Mulder in reference to Skinner Nisei ---------------------------------------------------